Nolan Ryan, The Lone Star

Nolan Ryan is lonely. I mean, just look at him. It’s a rough life being the part-owner of the Texas Rangers who are currently beating the reigning world champion New York Yankees 2-1 in the American League Championship Series. And I’m sure life isn’t any better with 7 career no hitters to your name and a World Series ring.

Something is obviously bothering The Ryan Express.

Is he down because he never threw a perfect game? Is it because he never won a Cy Young Award? Is he upset that his sons’ alma mater, Texas Christian University, has a slim chance of their football team playing for a National Championship? Is it because he had to settle for the Asics shoe deal instead of Nike or Reebok?

Are you upset because the new Karate Kid movie with Will Smith’s son just wasn’t as good as the original? Is it because he closely resembles comedian Jay Mohr in this photo? Are you upset that you had to pitch the climax of your career in one of those hideous Houston Astros jerseys?

Is it because he can’t find anything to wear? Is he tired of always wearing his Old Navy Baseball 3/4 sleeve baseball tee? Is it because he was forced to wear his Hooters short shorts to work today?

What is wrong, Nolan? We are here for you. We don’t want you to be depressed. Or feel lonely. We understand you grew up in and pitched a majority of your career in The Lone Star State, but that doesn’t mean you have to be a Lone Star. We’re here for you.

Cheer up, Nolan!


Austin hosts a country music morning radio show in Chicago after nearly a decade in sports talk radio (The Jim Rome Show, Steve Gorman SPORTS!) Colin Cowherd and Smash Mouth follow him on Twitter and he wears pants every day.


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