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NFL Predictions From The Whole Korked Bats Team

The NFL season kicks off tonight (about time), and like every website on the entire damn internet, we felt like hitting you with some predictions for the upcoming season. Will these predictions be right? Probably not. We’re a bunch of bloggers and podcasters. But will these predictions be 100% completely unbiased? You have our word.

Sure, we all have our favorite teams, but we’re willing to put all of those aside to deliver you grade-A analysis with a capital A. Yes, we’re The #1 Derrick Henry Fan Site On The Internet™ but we will place that aside when making our picks as well. Look, we will sacrifice our fandom for your reading pleasure.

Will be held accountable to these predictions? Like many in the media, no. Sorry, but those are the rules. بلاك جاك 21 Nobody is ever held to their piss poor predictions that they make at the beginning of the season.

Anyway, here’s our picks.

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Austin

SUPER BOWL: Chiefs

  • Sigh. Again. They’re just too good.

AFC CHAMPION: Chiefs

  • Only because every Super Bowl winner from the AFC in history has also won he AFC Championship.

NFC CHAMPION: Rams

  • Don’t sleep on that insane defense. And even though their new QB has cankles, he’s still an upgrade.

MVP: Josh Allen

  • Derrick Henry will be screwed again. bEcAusE hE’s NoT a QuArtErBaCk!

OPOY: Derrick Henry

  • This will be his consolation prize for the THIRD year in a row.

DPOY: Chase Young

  • THe kid has been in the league long enough to where people will take notice of his greatness.

Derrick Henry Rushing Yards: 2,072

  • More yards, because more games. But a fewer yards per game pace.

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A.D.

SUPER BOWL: Steelers (Stairway to 7 + Big Ben’s Last Dance)

AFC CHAMPION: Steelers, by double digits over the Chiefs

NFC CHAMPION: Green Bay

MVP: Derrick Henry

OPOY: Justin Herbert

DPOY: TJ Watt

Derrick Henry Rushing Yards: 2,069 (nice)

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Kenny (The Cineboiz)

SUPER BOWL: Chiefs

AFC CHAMPION: Chiefs

NFC CHAMPION: The LOS ANGELES Rams*

MVP: Patrick Mahomes

OPOY: Patrick Mahomes

DPOY: Aaron Donald

Derrick Henry Rushing Yards: None, retires early a la Andrew Luck

Coach of the Year: Sean McVay*

Comeback Player of the Year: Matthew Stafford*

Owner of the Year: Stan Kroenke*

*-to presumably piss off MOB and Junk Sleep

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MOB (The Cineboiz)

SUPER BOWL: Chiefs

  • I’m a homer, what can I say?

AFC CHAMPION: Chiefs

  • See above.

NFC CHAMPION: Buccaneers

  • I want a rematch. Just like no one else.

MVP: Patrick Lamar Mahomes II

  • He may look dumb in a helmet, but he looks good holding that MVP trophy. I think he goes scorched earth.

OPOY: Derrick Henry

DPOY: TJ Watt

  • Pay the man. Plus, I refuse to ever pick a Rams player for anything.

Derrick Henry Rushing Yards: 2,028

  • I drafted him on my fantasy team, so yes, I’m predicting him to go one yard more than last year. Screw the regression haters.

Jim Nantz Shots At Tony Romo During Broadcasts This Season: 30

  • Just under 2 a week seems right.

Weeks Before Urban Meyer Retires To Focus On His Health: 10

  • 3 weeks after the BYE week seems fitting.

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Kevin Keith Junk Sleep (The Cineboiz)

SUPER BOWL: Chiefs

AFC CHAMPION: Chiefs

NFC CHAMPION: Doesn’t matter

MVP: Patrick Mahomes

OPOY: Patrick Mahomes

DPOY: Chris Jones

Derrick Henry Rushing Yards: Not enough

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Tom (The Cineboiz)

“I echo ‘ol Junk Sleep.” -Tom

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Dillon

SUPER BOWL: Titans

AFC CHAMPION: Titans

NFC CHAMPION: Rams

MVP: Derrick Henry

OPOY: Derrick Henry

DPOY: Kevin Byard

Derrick Henry Rushing Yards: 1,000,001

  • I feel as though I should explain that the last yard in the 1,000,001 yards is him crossing the goal line to win the Super Bowl. Because without an explanation, it’s just a ridiculous number to throw out there.

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Jon (T-Rav Tasters)

SUPER BOWL: Chiefs

AFC CHAMPION: Chiefs

NFC CHAMPION: Anybody but the Rams

MVP: Patrick Mahomes

OPOY: Patrick Mahomes

DPOY: Myles Garrett

Derrick Henry Rushing Yards: *Petey Jones voice* I don’t know, ’bout a thousand

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Jacob (T-Rav Tasters)

SUPER BOWL: Packers

  • Rodgers’ final ride, aka the “F You Gutekunst” Tour

AFC CHAMPION: Chiefs

NFC CHAMPION: Packers

MVP: Aaron Rodgers

OPOY: Aaron Rodgers

DPOY: Aaron Donald

Derrick Henry Rushing Yards: 2,200 (aka his 1 rep max on squat)

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Sales Guy Jeff

SUPER BOWL: Chiefs

AFC CHAMPION: Chiefs

NFC CHAMPION: Buccaneers

MVP: Derrick Henry

OPOY: Justin Herbert

DPOY: Juice

  • I feel like the odds would serve me well. It’s been too long since a Juice won.

Derrick Henry Rushing Yards: AOT (all of them)

Austin

Austin hosts a country music morning radio show in Chicago after nearly a decade in sports talk radio (The Jim Rome Show, Steve Gorman SPORTS!) Colin Cowherd and Smash Mouth follow him on Twitter (which he apparently thought was important enough to share here). He also wears pants everyday.

Austin

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