NFL Hires Ray Lewis As Murder Consultant

NEW YORK CITY- NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell announced today that the league has hired former Baltimore Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis to head up a new task force and to be the league’s first murder consultant.

Lewis, who may or may not be a murderer himself, will be put in charge of the league’s newly formed “Good Citizen” task force, which was designed to help keep grown men from doing stupid things, like murder people.

“I’m excited about the opportunity to help the game I love keep it’s players on the right path,” stated Lewis. “If the right path cannot be found though, I can help keep those players on a path that can’t be found by authorities.”

The “Good Citizen” task force was created after the media frenzy over the arrest of former New England Patriot Aaron Hernandez, who is suspected of murdering friend Odin Lloyd and possibly everyone else who has been murdered since 2007.

“We felt that our game was getting a black eye from the Hernandez stuff,” added Goodell. “Why we didn’t think of doing something after the OJ murders or after Rae Carruth hid in a trunk after his baby momma was bumped off, I have no clue. I wasn’t commissioner then. Call Paul Tagliabue and find out why he liked the league full of murder and crime.”

Lewis has assembled a team of past and current NFL players to help keep the message of “Chill Don’t Kill” loud and clear throughout the league. Players such as Michael Vick, Donte Stallworth, and Art Schlichter are on board to keep the league murder free.

“Hopefully this works,” said Goodell. “Because ESPN is hard enough to watch with all the Tim Tebow, Johnny Manziel, and Alex Rodriguez crap, it doesn’t need any more of our guys being morons and straight up murdering people. Murdering ain’t cool y’all.” Goodell added with a thumbs up.

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