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Friday, March 29, 2024

Korked Bats

That Funny Sports Blog

News From MLB’s Winter Meetings Told As High School Gossip

Winter Meetings High School 2

The 2014 Baseball Winter Meetings were held in San Diego from December 7th to December 11th this year. It’s a time where representatives from all 30 MLB clubs come together to make deals with each other. There are so many free agent signings and trades happening in the span of these four days, it’s hard to keep track of. But don’t worry. We recapped the things you need to know from this year’s Winter Meetings, in a way in which we all understand and at one time experienced… high school drama.

  • The Athletics traded away their really good starting pitcher Jeff Samardjiza for a few White Sox that nobody has ever heard of. Not sure why the A’s would just break up with Samardjiza like that, but who knows?
  • The Mariners signed Nelson Cruz. There are rumors that Nelson Cruz did steroids at his old school. People say he has chest hair growing on the back of his arms.
  • I hear the only reason the Yankees’ get spoiled with so much money is because their parents are getting a divorce.
  • The Athletics traded away first baseman Brandon Moss to the Indians for a second baseman. Man, the A’s seem to be cycling out of control.
  • The Red Sox and Giants were seen flirting with Jon Lester in the cafeteria.
  • Apparently, the gossip-queen Dodgers saw the Giants and Red Sox flirting with Jon Lester, and decided to walk over there. “Hey what are you guys talking about? I want in,” Dodgers said.
  • Usually when the Dodgers get involved in a conversation with a superstar, the other teams back out. Teams usually don’t want someone shallow enough to hook up with the Dodgers just for a lot of money, which is why the Red Sox and Giants walked away from Jon Lester, and finished their lunch at a different table.
  • The Cardinals are just walking around inviting everyone to go to church with them.
  • The Marlins keep asking everyone for money for the vending machines. He claims he spent all the lunch money his mom gave him for the week on the Giancarlo Stanton contract.
  • The Athletics traded away the rest of their roster for a lava lamp and Volkswagen van. My mom no longer allows me to hang out with the Athletics.
  • There are rumors going around that the Giants’ ace Madison Bumgarner once dated a girl named Madison Bumgarner. Embarrassing! But I hear she goes to another school.
  • Rumor has it that the Nationals went out driving with Jayson Werth last weekend, and BOTH of them got their licenses suspended. Guess that’s why the Nats have been riding the bus to school everyday. Ha! Losers!
  • The Rangers seem super clingy with Russell Wilson. They’re putting him on their AAA roster. I don’t get it. I thought that dude was a football player. LOL. They’re cray.
  • The Dodgers were seen talking to the Padres about trading Matt Kemp. But the Padres can only offer their NFL franchise and expired Petco coupons. The Dodgers don’t seem interested anymore.
  • Guess Jon Lester saw the Dodgers flirting with the Padres, because now he’s upset. He promises his friends that he’s going to hook up with the next team he sees walking around.
  • Just then, the Cubs come walking out of the bathroom. Jon Lester sighs and says, “Well, a deal’s a deal, I guess?” He then calls over the Cubs and the two agree on a deal.
  • There’s a creepy guy here wearing a bright orange Marlins jersey and visor. He just stands around in the background. He’s totes shady.
  • The Athletics traded away their stadium for a couple packs of cigarettes. I hear they also moved in with their step dad at the trailer park in the next county over.
  • The Phillies are trying to get people to take Ryan Howard off their hands. But we all know Ryan Howard is like herpes, because they’re NEVER going to get rid of him. All the makeup in the world couldn’t cover that mistake up, Phillies!
  • The Royals got really popular last year, which is weird, because they’re super poor. I think everyone is starting to realize that, because everyone is leaving them, like Billy Butler and James Shields and stuff. They’re not as popular as they were.
  • Dan Uggla keeps walking bragging that like 5 or 6 teams are interested in him, but we all know that’s a total lie.
  • I heard the Mets got held back a grade for being really dumb last year.
  • No one has agreed to go to church with the Cardinals, so now they’re just walking around judging others for not doing things the Cardinal way.
  • The Phillies traded Jimmy Rollins to the Dodgers. OMG. I can’t even right now. The Dodgers are trying to get with EVERYONE!
  • Surprised the Dodgers haven’t tried getting with the Twins this weekend. Perv!
  • The Rays are the typical new kid. They were really cool when they first moved here, but now, no one even goes to their house anymore.
  • The Braves keep trying to trade B.J. Upton. Stop trying to make B.J. Upton happen, Braves. It’s NOT going to happen!
  • The Red Sox traded Yoenis Cespedes to the Tigers. Apparently the Tigers needed a lot of help with their Spanish II homework.
  • The Athletics were arrested for doing drugs behind the school. My mom doesn’t even talk to Athletics mom anymore and they used to be, like, best friends.
  • The White Sox used to be something back in 2005, but now, all they do is sit in the back of class, wear all black and carve Korn lyrics into their desk with a pocket knife.
  • The Diamondbacks traded Miguel Montero to the Cubs. Wow, the Cubs sure are rising in the popularity ranks this year. Feels like this is the plot of She’s All That.
  • Dodgers second baseman Dee Gordon was traded to the Marlins. My mom always warned me of Dee Gordon. She said he runs around in the fast crowd.
  • The Blue Jays are just happy to have received Josh Donaldson from the Athletics a few weeks ago. Typical for a foreign exchange student.
  • The Astros announced that the Taylor Swift concert at their home stadium next October is subject to change if it conflicts with a home postseason game. ROFL! The Astros always were the class clown.
  • Looks like the Dodgers finally came around and decided to make the Matt Kemp trade with the Padres. They chose to take the expired Petco coupons.
  • There is a table in the back of the lunchroom where all the really quiet teams like the Reds, Brewers, Rays, and Nationals sit.
  • The Athletics were checked into rehab.

• • •

This post was created by Austin. You can follow him and his jokes on Twitter: @TheAHuff

And also, for up-to-the-minute sports jokes, follow Korked Bats on Twitter: @KorkedBats

Austin

Austin hosts a country music morning radio show in Chicago after nearly a decade in sports talk radio (The Jim Rome Show, Steve Gorman SPORTS!) Colin Cowherd and Smash Mouth follow him on Twitter and he wears pants every day.

Austin

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