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New Year, New You

Holy cow, ladies.

Let’s stop buying all of the Special K out of every grocery store in America! My female-driven-semi-sports-related topic today is going to be about the end of the world. You know why? Because it’s the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine. Every girl that I know is trying to start a diet. Every girl I know is also hanging up pictures of super models on their bulletin boards and on their refrigerators. Now, granted, I only know four girls, but still. If it’s the end of the world, guess what I’m doing? Forget Man vs. Food. Forget Super Size Me. Forget about, “Oh, haha, no, mister waiter, I’m too full for dessert.” No. I am inventing a new sport, called GET FAT TWENTY TWELVE. (Still working on the name.)

This is an all women’s sport okay, so for the guys out there that are thinking about joining… don’t. We will let you know when we are making the men’s league for this. It probably won’t be for 15 to 20 years. It won’t be well advertised either. Like Arena Football. And while I’m at it, the team names will be super lame.

Here are the rules:

1. Eat Dessert. Before dinner. And before lunch.

2. If whole milk is an option, take it.

3. Put cheese on or in everything. Don’t ask yourself if it makes sense. Cheese on my pancakes? Yeah. Cheese in my purse? EF YEAH!

4. Have you ever thought, I can’t eat one more thing? Stand up. Shake your booty. Sit down. Eat one more round.

5. When you go to the gym, change your mind.

6. Only wear clothes with elastic. The 80’s are back, aren’t they?

7. Start every morning off the right way: with a bag of M&M’s and a Mountain Dew. Nothing gets you going faster.

8. Go to as many of those casinos with the really cheap buffets as you can possibly find.

9. Three o’clock ice cream breaks. Everyday. Not only does it make your day better, but it keeps your metabolism going.

10. When there is an option for alfredo sauce, take it.

11. When there isn’t an option for alfredo sauce, demand it.

12. Instead of dropping anything low, while dancing, do the robot, keeping your heart rate to a robot speed.

13. Watch sports, don’t play them.

14. Eat a cheeseburger everytime Tim Tebow throws an interception.  Or every time he makes this face.

Points double if your family gets to the point of putting you through an intervention. Points triple if your phone rings and it’s Bob. Points quadruple if you get diabetes. Okay, that’s not real. Don’t try and get diabetes.

But points still quadruple for it to help ease the emotional turmoil of getting diabetes.

I can’t wait to see where this goes.  I also can’t wait to ask Kirstie Alley to be the commissioner of the league.

I can’t seem to think of anyone better.

Oh, and for Oprah to be one of our premier coaches. I know I probably just alienated a lot of Oprah fans who are now super mad at me for bringing up her weight struggles. (Sorry. Slash, not sorry.)

Ladies, enjoy every single minute of #getfat2012 and if the world doesn’t end, we’ll just have to start a weight loss show or something creative like that.

If you don’t want to take my word for it, just ask Paris Hilton.

A sentence I wasn’t sure I’d ever say.

• • •

This post is a part of our bi-weekly The Ladies Room posts for Korked Bats.

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