Thursday, April 25, 2024

Korked Bats

That Funny Sports Blog

More Teams Should Be Nicknamed The ‘Vampires’

This original take came in a throwaway line on The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz by Chris Wittyngham before he became Quittyngham. And I felt like I needed to expound upon this take (that I doubt he even considered to be a take, more than just an outward thought). If we at Korked Bats ever start a company softball team, you better believe we’re naming ourselves the Vampires. For two reasons: 1. more teams need to be named the Vampires (*Stugotz voice* “THE VAMPS!”). And 2. Bats is in our name, so I feel like it’s only fitting. But anyway, here’s my argument for the mythical parasitical creature becoming a lovable team mascot…

Hello, Lads. More teams need to be nicknamed the Vampires

Let me start my argument with a simple question: Where would you rather go to college? At a university referred to as a Cardinal, where their mascot is a dumb – and creepy AF – tree, or where the mascot is a bloodsucking Don Juan with a widow’s peak? At a school of higher learning, would you rather rah rah for a human with a buckeye for a head, or root root for a fair-skinned, fanged, Animorphable bat? Would you rather cheer for an ominous red blob from the hills of western Kentucky or pull for a monster so terrifying it was the main star of four Y.A. novels written by author Stephanie Meyer, and later adapted into five full-length feature films starring Robert Pattinson?! OH HELL YEAH, amirite?! Actually, don’t answer that because Big Red is a dope ass mascot. Whatever the hell it is. But still. Vampires are doper than 99. Plus, like Aubrey Plaza, Vampires are having a moment. You check the trailer for that new Nic Cage movie?

And if we want to talk about their place in current popular culture, well, sorry Bruce Wayne, but vampires were the original Batman. And technically Batman was originally a vampire.

Like how are we gifting professional franchises the team nickname of KRAKEN before VAMPIRES? And it’s not just hockey. What about the JAZZ or the BROWNS? THE FREAKIN BROWNS?! Hell, that franchise already sucks the life out of 70,000 fans every Sunday. The rebrand there would be perfect. Hell, if we should expect any league to make this jump, we should be pleading with the NBA. They change mascots all the time and have dumb ones like Wizards. So surely one of their franchise will drive a stake through their own heart and roll with the Vamps instead. Here, I went ahead and mocked up a logo for you.

Did I just recycle the 76ers dribbling Benny Frank logo? Ok, maybe. But this is just a concept. If you want a truly original logo, here’s another completely unique logo I just whipped up on a whim.

Look, all I’m saying is: Vampires. Professional, collegiate, or our own company softball mascot. Collision course. The funniest thing to do would be to make a Vampire the mascot of a team with a different team nickname. If the Titans mascot can be a damn raccoon or the Chiefs mascot can be a wolf who robs banks, I’m pretty sure the Steelers could trade in Steely McBeam for Vampy McScream. Braves? Your mascot is a… well, we don’t even know what the hell Bloopy is. So why not exchange him out for a Hell, Dolphins, you should make your costumed mascot a blood-thirsty beautillion. Why? Why the hell not? And speaking of hell. Art Briles.

Cheers, Witty.


Austin hosts a country music morning radio show in Chicago after nearly a decade in sports talk radio (The Jim Rome Show, Steve Gorman SPORTS!) Colin Cowherd and Smash Mouth follow him on Twitter and he wears pants every day.