Monday, April 22, 2024

Korked Bats

That Funny Sports Blog

March Madness

Today it begins. The Madness. The beginning of an American tradition as old as the fourth of July (not fact checked). Today is the day when work production all around the country ceases just to watch a 1 seed completely obliterate a 16 seed. And I’d be willing to bet that more people lose their jobs in/around March than in any other month (not fact checked). Just ask Rick Nuehiesel.

I realize that the Men’s College Basketball Tournament usually takes a back seat to the National Invitational Tournament, or commonly referred to as the NIT, but I would like to fight for the NCAA Div. 1 tournament this season.

The Tournament is great. Each year anything can happen. Just ask 2005’s No. 3 seeded Kansas Jayhawks bunch. Still don’t believe me? Just ask 2006’s No. 4 seeded Kansas Jayhawks team.

Everyone is hoping to see a Cinderella story. The guys would like to see another George Mason saga play out. And all the women would actually like to see A Cinderella Story, starring Hillary Duff. Friggin’ chicks… Am I right, guys?

Each year, millions of brackets are filled out. And each year, millions of brackets are proven wrong. In this week between Selection Sunday and the tip off to the first game on Thursday afternoon, there is so much arguing, yelling, taunting, teasing, bragging, etc. Tempers flare so bad during this week that even that pink ooze from Ghostbusters 2 wouldn’t be able to handle it.

So allow me to help you with responses to certain remarks you may hear from Mr. March-Madness-Know-It-All-Who-Actually-When-All-Is-Said-And-Done-Knows-Nothing-About-Picking-A-Winning-Bracket, or also referred to as Jerk.

Did you blindly select this bracket?

You: No, I picked it with my eyes open. Just like everyone else. My picks aren’t written in braille.

Are you an idiot? there is no chance that Siena will beat Purdue!

You: No, I am not an idiot. And yes there is a chance that Siena will beat Purdue. You see, if Siena scores more points than Purdue, then they will indeed beat them. But good logic on your part.

Your Final Four is AWFUL! Those teams will never make it that far!

You: Thanks Doc! Hey listen, next time you go to the future, can you take me and Jennifer? I want to see our house in Hilldale and find out what happens to our kids. While we’re there I may or may not buy a Gray’s Sports Almanac. In which case we will be able to not only find out if you are right or not, but then old Biff can steal it from us and make the plot of our story drag out for a couple more hours. But don’t worry, we’ll finally get it back in 1955 and young Biff will drive his car into another manure truck. And then he will remind us that he hates manure. Silly Biff. But yeah, thanks for letting me know. Gotta love that flux capacitor!

My bracket is so much better than yours!

You: Oh man! Well, in that case, let me see your bracket. I’m going to change my bracket to replicate yours. That way my bracket will then be as good as yours! Thanks for the heads up! You’re a great friend!

If you recieve any ther trouble from Donnie D-Bag, just ignore it and allow for the tournament to play out. If for some reason he does better than you, just point out to him the fact that he can’t even spell NCAA. I would wish everyone good luck, since that’s all March Madness is, but I know that no matter what, no one will have a perfect bracket.

(Under breath: Now let’s go ahead and get this tournament over so baseball season can start…)


Austin hosts a country music morning radio show in Chicago after nearly a decade in sports talk radio (The Jim Rome Show, Steve Gorman SPORTS!) Colin Cowherd and Smash Mouth follow him on Twitter and he wears pants every day.


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