Make Money, Muchachos! Here Are Gator’s Best NFL Picks On The Internet – Week 1
Here at Korked Bats, we love our readers. So much so that we want to help you make a little money. Especially if you partake in the vice of football gambling. Everyone knows the NFL is one of the hardest sports to predict, but each week we’ll help you gain an advantage. After the season, when you’re rich from following this article, you’ll thank me. And I’ll invoice you for a percentage of the winnings.
But enough talk, let’s get to some football!
TEXANS @ CHIEFS (KC -9.0)

Opening day is upon us, and after the year we’ve had, the whole country deserves it. Last year the opening game was a 10-3 stinker with the Packers and Bears. Expect more points. On paper, the Chiefs should cruise to victory, but guess what, they don’t play the games on paper! The Chiefs, who are still hung over from their Super Bowl win, will be caught flat-footed by an angry Texans team. By the time Andy Reid stops eating cheeseburgers he got thanks to his Super Bowl ring to start coaching, it’ll be too late.
PICK: Texans 38, Chiefs 34
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EAGLES @ FOOTBALL TEAM (PHI -6.0)
Sunday starts with the inaugural game for the Washington Football Team. A huge day for not just the NFL, but for the world. Emotions will be high, and the Football Team will come out fast, but an awesome name change doesn’t change the fact that they’re a crappy team. (Not literally, ODB.) Maybe they score first, but just like when they were the Redskins, they will lose, and lose big.
PICK: Eagles 31, Football Team 13
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SEAHAWKS @ FALCONS (SEA -1.5)
The battle of the birds will be a high-flying affair. Since, their epic choke job in Super Bowl LI, the Falcons have been less of a contender, and more of a joke job. This changes Week 1 with a statement win against Ciara’s husband. Look for Matty Ice to scramble for the game winning touchdown and incorporate the 1, 2 Step into his celebration just to rub it in.
PICK: Seahawks 17, Falcons 21
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JETS @ BILLS (BUF -6.5)
With Tom Brady leaving the AFC East for the first time in 125 years, hope springs eternal for the rest of the division. Everyone in Buffalo is drinking the Kool-Aid (read: hard liquor) believing they’re now the team to beat (I’ll believe it when I see it), and expect to roll over a pretty bad Jets team. They won’t. In what is almost guaranteed to be the least enjoyable game of the week, they win a boring as hell game. Josh Allen has more rushing yards than passing yards and the Bills are still undefeated! Huge for a city that might as well be part of Canada and already plays home to the Blue Jays! Blue Jays Mafia Bills Mafia get the folding tables ready.
PICK: Jets 10, Bills 17
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BEARS @ LIONS (DET -3.0)

One of the biggest (and funniest) stories of the offseason was the quarterback competition in Chicago between Trubisky and Foles, with Trubisky inching out Foles for the starting job. Foles won’t lose sleep though because he has a few inches on Trubisky where it really matters (…ladies?!). One team, that doesn’t have a quarterback controversy is the Lions. Matt Stafford would be a great quarterback, except he plays for the Lions, a franchise best known for being so bad that it forces HOFers to retire early (hey, Barry and Calvin!). This game will come down to who wants to lose it more… And I think that’ll be the Bears
PICK: Bears 21, Lions 27
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PACKERS @ VIKINGS (MIN -2.5)
The Packers were 13-3 last year, yet no one is talking about them. Look, maybe it was a bit of a fluke, but the lack of respect seems to be pissing off Aaron Rodgers, and I’m not betting against an angry Rodgers. On the other side, Kirk Cousins is more concerned about making freezing cold takes about not being concerned about COVID. If Cousins dies, he dies. I don’t know if that death will come Week 1, but he’ll be beaten pretty close to it by Green Bay.
PICK: Packers 35, Vikings 16
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DOLPHINS @ PATRIOTS (NE -6.5)

The Patriots are being written off by the rest of the NFL because of the loss of Tom Brady. They’re wrong. Tom Brady was holding the Patriots back for the last few years, and now that Belichick has a younger, more versatile quarterback in Cam Newton, they’re going to be deadly. Fitzmagic keeps it close, but can’t do enough as Belichick shows he doesn’t need that pretty boy with a frustratingly strong jawline down south to get wins.
PICK: Dolphins 14, Patriots 21
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RAIDERS @ [BLACK] PANTHERS (LV -3.0)

VIVA LAS RAIDERS!!! Jon Gruden and the Raiders have moved to Las Vegas, and Sin City is ready to have their own football team. Unfortunately, they’ll have to wait another week for their first win, as Christian McCaffery single-handedly holds off the Raiders siege, and dedicates the win to the late great Chadwick Boswick announcing that the team will be known as the Black Panthers for the rest of the season to honor the actor’s memory. RIP in peace, king. Wakanda forever.
PICK: Raiders 24, Black Panthers 27
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COLTS @ JAGUARS (IND -8.0)

It’s gonna be weird to see Philip Rivers yelling “GOSH DANGIT” in a Colts jersey. Strange world we’re living in. I don’t have much to say about this one. The Jaguars are horrible, and the only thing they have going for them is Minshew’s Uncle Rico stache. Colts win big. Like Phil Rivers’ family.
PICK: Colts 42, Jaguars 3
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BROWNS @ RAVENS (BAL -8.0)

The Browns were everyone’s trendy pick to win it all last year. That didn’t go well. However, things are going to turn around for Cleveland this year! Now that it’s out that Odell Beckham Jr.’s sexual preferences are a little stinky, he’ll be playing with a clear mind ready to have a huge season. I think he’ll be happy at the end of the year when the Browns sit atop the division, even though he’d probably prefer to be #2. The run starts this week with a huge upset against the Ravens.
PICK: Browns 31, Ravens 28
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CHARGERS @ BENGALS (LAC -2.5)

#1 overall pick Joe Burrow takes his boyish looks and love of cigars to Cincinnati looking to be the city’s savior. Maybe I’m wrong, but if I was a Bengals fan, I’d rather have former first pick, Carson Palmer. I wish the kid well, but he’ll be doing more running for his life than throwing touchdowns. The Chargers are a pretty fierce team, and they show they mean business with a solid win in Week 1. I know this because I watched Hard Knocks.
PICK: Chargers 27, Bengals 10
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BUCCANEERS @ SAINTS (NO -3.5)

Tampa Tom suits up in Orange and Brown (right? Red and grey? Pewter and Orange?) for the first time Sunday afternoon. The football world expects big things from the Bucs now that they have Brady behind the helms. I don’t. Brady is closing in on 60-years-old, and didn’t look so great at the end for the Patriots (his last pass was a pick-six against the Titans). The Buccaneers are this year’s Browns, and will disappoint week in and week out until finishing the season 7-9. Look for Drew Brees to assert his dominance as the best old-man QB.
PICK: Buccaneers 20, Saints 34
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CARDINALS @ 49ERS (SF -7.0)

The 49ers should be confident going into this year after being a quarter away from winning the Super Bowl seven months ago. They have a strong defense, and great running game, and should be a winning team. However, with Kyle Shannahan (architect of all-time famous collapses like the Falcons 28-3 meltdown and aforementioned 49ers 20-10 choke job) behind the helms, I just see this team underperforming. They win this one, but just barely.
PICK: Cardnials 20, 49ers 21
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COWBOYS @ RAMS (DAL -3.0)

How ’bout them Cowboys?! Wow! They can’t possibly be crap again with so much talent on the offensive side, right? WRONG. The Cowboys will finish dead last in the NFC East, and will struggle to win 3 games. If you’re an upset Dallas fan, too bad. Your family hates you, and if they root for the Cowboys too, then your neighbors have considered burning your house down on multiple occasions.
PICK: Cowboys 20, Rams 37
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STEELERS @ GIANTS (PIT -5.5)

The early game on Monday night should be an interesting one. Big Ben is back, and I’m banking on the city of Pittsburgh and A.D. to be skipping work (from home) on Monday, and instead drinking all day in preparation to have a good buzz for kickoff. The Giants have Saquon Barkley and cool jerseys, but nothing else. Big Ben returns in style with a nice win against a bad team.
PICK: Steelers 24, Giants 13
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TITANS @ BRONCOS (TEN -1.5)

In the final game of the week, we have two dark horses in the AFC going at it. I love me some Drew Lock, but I’m not gonna pick against Derrick Henry primarily because he’s a great player, but also because I’m scared of him. It should be close, but Vrabel and the Fightin’ Titans pull one out at the last second.
PICK: Titans 22, Broncos 20
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Make money, muchachos! Football is back, and it is glorious. Come back every Thursday for Gator’s pick, and cash out with your bookie/sports betting app on Tuesday. Repeat this for Week 17 and you’ll be able to afford that yacht you’ve been dreaming of!