Saturday, December 9, 2023

Korked Bats

That Funny Sports Blog

Let’s Relive 8 Of The Greatest, Worst, & Often Forgotten Memories of Antonio Brown

With so much uncertainty in the world these days, it’s hard to find news that would be deemed “normal.” Before coronavirus dominated the conversation, one thing that was almost guaranteed to be in the news was something related to disgruntled wide receiver Antonio Brown. Antonio kept his name in the news more than the Presiden- OKAY that’s a lie, but he damn well tried his hardest to at least keep up with the Kardashians.

Earlier this year (read: six years ago, before coronavirus started) Antonio teased the idea of making his grand return to the NFL after his VERY short stint with the Oakland Raiders and New England Patriots. But fast forward to now, and it appears he’s teasing the idea of retiring from the game of football altogether.


If AB is actually retiring (this time), football is going to be losing an absolute content factory. The man, whether he realized it or not, was pumping out headlines more than anyone else in the NFL. Being from Pittsburgh, I may be a bit biased regarding my thoughts on Antonio Brown, but I feel that it is my duty to report on the things that people may not remember. It’s like Nic Cage’s career. Sure there’s been a lot of trash lately, but people forget he won an Oscar for Leaving Las Vegas in 1996. People also forget the gems Antonio Brown gave us early on too. The man is an amazing talent and freakish athlete on the field… it’s just off the field, well, not as much. So let’s breakdown some of the highlights (or lowlights depending on how you look at them):

  • “The Lego” haircut
    • No AB is not playing expert-level tetris, that’s his actual hair. Everyone knows wide receivers can’t block, but they can certainly block their hair. This is just AB’s version of blocking out the haters.


  • Hot Air Balloon Ride To Camp
    • AB has been waiting to use the “Float like a butterfly, sting like AB” line his entire career. It’s a shame that hot air balloon ride lasted longer than AB’s career as an Oakland Raider. Was AB high when he had this idea?


  • Frostbitten Feet
    • To add insult to literal injury, after showing up to camp on a hot air balloon, AB’s feet were shedding skin like a snake. A cryotherapy session gone VERY – and I cannot state this enough – wrong resulted in the most repulsive thing ever shown on HBO’s Hard Knocks. Even worse than Girls. AB’s feet were certainly NOT BOOMIN’ when he showed up to camp.


  • 100 MPH Speeding Ticket
    • The posted speed limit on the residential highway was 45 MPH. To make matters worse, the incident happened just hours before a Thursday Night Football kickoff. Perhaps he was running late to a Mike Tomlin meeting? Maybe he just really had to take a shit?


  • Dancing With The Stars Interview
    • As if just being on Dancing With The Stars wasn’t bad enough, AB’s post-dance interview with Erin Andrews left everyone -especially Erin – feeling VERY uncomfortable. When asked about the new moves he learned from his dancing partner, he described it as being difficult due to “blood flow.” I’ll let you draw your own conclusions. (Hint: he’s talking about boners.)


  • Facebook Live In The Locker Room
    • AB committed the cardinal sin of a football locker room. You NEVER show anyone what happens in that locker room. Especially when the next team you face is Tom Brady and the Patriots in the AFC Championship game. Someone is overheard in the Facebook Live saying “Keep cool on social media. This is about us, nobody else.” *FACE PALM TO FOREHEAD*


  • Kicking Browns Punter In The Face
    • During a Week 1 matchup with the Browns, AB returned a seemingly normal punt that ended anything but. AB attempted to “hurdle” the Browns’ punter (Spencer Lanning) and made a huge miscalculation. He ended up giving Lanning a mouth full of cleat in the process. And with that kick, effectively ended Lanning’s career in the NFL.


  • His Music Debut
    • Let’s be honest, AB’s release of “Whole Lotta Money” during a time that he was unemployed in the NFL is equally as ironic as it is awful music. Hopefully his musical career takes off because the “Whole Lotta Money” he was getting from the NFL has all but disappeared.


So there you have it, 8 highlights for number 84. Something tells me that this won’t be the last we see of him. But if it is (it won’t be), thank you for the memories Antonio!


A.D. is a Steelers season ticket holder and remembers when Wiz Khalifa was good. He hails from Pitt(sburgh), and has swam in the Pacific and Atlantic Oceans.


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