Let’s Breakdown The Outfit of The Guy Who Tried To Burn Down Nashville’s Historic Courthouse
So this dude was the second guy to be arrested for trying to burn down the Historic Courthouse in Nashville this past weekend. Unfortunately, I’m not sure if this guy was taken in by the Nashville police or the fashion police, but as you can see, both clearly have jurisdiction.
This is like a Picasso of poor fashion. There’s so much to look at and none of it really makes sense. Honestly, I’m just glad to see the cops have taken 2006 into custody. Twenty bucks says if he lifted his chin, you’d see a puka shell necklace. That’s the only thing missing from this MTV’s Room Raiders starter kit.
If you’ve ever been to Lower Broad in Nashville (read: a bachelorette party), then you know the fashion downtown can be pretty bad. It’s part-tourists, part-locals who “don’t make it to the big city very often,” but all fashion that was popular like a decade-and-a-half ago. Plaid cargo shorts? Yup! Faded-wash kick flare jeans? Definitely. Fitted MLB hats worn backwards like Fred Durst and/or one of his Nookie girls? Without question. But this outfit right here? This might be the Kevin Federline of outfits. It may look gross, but it takes home the top prize (Britney Spears).
So like we do when we pass a wreck on the highway, let’s slow down and take a closer look at this mess.
First off, this is tough look for Hollister, which is weird to say, because normally Hollister is tough look for people. You never want anyone getting arrested in your clothes. I’ll never forget how bad of a day it was for Fruit of the Loom v-neck undershirts when Aaron Hernandez got arrested. How badly does the CEO of Holliser (probably named Tanner or Chad) wish that seagull logo was blurred a little more to where he could play it off like it’s an American Eagle logo? Unfortunately like the smell of your cologne whenever anyone enters your store, you’re just going to have to live with this one for a few months until it wears off.
Now, the tweet says he was charged with aggravated arson, felony vandalism, and disorderly conduct. But I’m pretty sure he’ll be hit with another charge, because it’s illegal to wear a Hollister polo and not pop the collar. And the sentence for that crime is the same as Hollister’s target demo: 12 to 18 years.
Hold up, is this Ben Roethlisberger?!
Do you see it? Not just in the face and/or double chin, but also in the…
I know Gap has Gap Kids, but had no idea Hollister also made clothing for six year olds. You might call this a Smedium. I call it a Smextra Small. “Tight, bro!” isn’t just an outdated phrase we said back in 2006, it’s also how this dude likes his polos. Now sure, let he who hasn’t put on a little weight during quarantine cast the first scone, but at least I’m not flaunting my muffin top by wearing children’s clothes around town. This guy should be sentenced to a Peloton.
Then there’s the belt.
If a black belt is the highest belt in karate, this is the highest belt in douchey. It’s funny, because I didn’t know Florida Georgia Line even made belts. Then again, they certainly don’t make good music. Was that a FGL drive-by? Yes. Completely unnecessary? Again, yes. Much like this belt. Twenty bucks says he got it from Marshall’s for less than twenty bucks. And no he didn’t try it on ahead of time, that’s why it’s on its last loop. The only thing working harder than police and protestors this week is that belt.
Hold strong, bud.
And finally, the jeans. Even Shia LaBeouf’s agent would say no to these holes. Look at them. There’s so many. I’d ask you to count, but I know we all probably have somewhere to be within the next four hours. I mean Casey Anthony’s defense didn’t have that many holes in it. Was that a dated reference? Sure, but not nearly as dated as these jeans. TRL called and totally requested that you put on pants that were made in the last decade.
Did these jeans come with a 22-inch lift on your truck, a subscription to Maxim, and an uncanny ability to pick a fight at a Sonic?
Those pants look like they just went 18-holes with Tom Brady. And the worst part is, he bought them like this. He looks like he just bought this outfit yesterday while back-to-school shopping with his mom. All his friends are probably like, “Hey Big Ben, is that a new shirt?” And he’ll be like, “Yeah.” And they’ll be like, “That’s trill. Let’s go watch The Fast And The Furious again.”
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The saddest part about this is this dude probably got dressed up to be taken in. He went and put on his Sunday best and came out looking like Tuesday’s worst. Then again, they do say dress for the crime you want to commit, not the one you already have.
