Let Me Be Frank With You…

Just so you know, my birthday is coming up.

A friend and loyal reader of this site sent me a link this morning to an eBay listing for the “Lane Kiffin VOODOOley Doll” pictured above. Here’s the description:

• • •

“Lane Kiffin stuck it to us, so let’s stick it to him”

This is the FIRST in a series of custom-made Voo Doo dolls in the likeness of ex-Tennessee Vol coach Lane Kiffin.  This is as close to a Creole-style VooDoo Doll that are now made in Haiti and New Orleans.  Each doll in the series will differ slightly, however will have the following attributes:

1. A “Mr. Bill” wide-open mouth reflective of Kiffin’s big mouth.

2. A right-ear only headset with mic to his lips so he can ask Daddy for help.

3. Some future models will feature a Pinocchio-looking nose..mmm Vol Fans?

4. All Lane Kiffin models will feature a USC Belly Shirt, with the exposed painted “yellow belly” and a yellow streak down his back.

• • •

The bid is currently at $29.99. FYI, my birthday is February 26th. So that gives you plenty of time to order, ship, and gift wrap. Thanks guys, you’re the best!


The only thing dumber than “Who Dat” is “Who Dey”.

If you’re like me, you’ve about had it up to here (trust me, I’m holding my hand up really high right now to show you exactly how high I’ve had it up to) with all this “Who Dat” nonsense. It’s about the lamest “battle cry” or whatever you want to call it I’ve ever heard aside from it’s orange-with-black-streaks-headed step-child, “Who Dey“. I could actually have it mixed up. I’m not sure who the step child is because I don’t know, nor care which one came first. I also don’t know what it means aside from an ebonical* misspelling of “who are they” in the equally as juvenile phrase, “Who dat is say dey gonna beat dem Saints?”. I tried looking it up for about 14 seconds, but quickly realized I would rather just continue living my life.

Don’t you love how devoted I am to writing deep, well-researched articles for this site? Take notes Austin, Chip, Jared, Kyle, & Slack. The fact that anyone (I’m coughing while discretely saying you’re name, but clearly enough so that those around me can decipher my disguised words, NFL front office) is actually trying to claim trademarks to such “sayings” is beyond anything remotely resembling respectable**. Who dat? Who dey? Who cares? I tell you what, I know we’re going through difficult times right now, but people will do just about anything these days to make a buck or two. Hey NFL, haven’t you made enough money here recently with all the revenue from fine, after fine, after fine? (By the way, when I was looking for that Rex Ryan picture I found one that would have worked up above, but he’s not quite holding his hand as high as I was)

*E-bon-i-cal (adj.): Having been altered for the purpose of translation to ebonics. See Ebonics.

**Check out that alliteration. I’m a poet and don’t know it.


Note to Rey Maualuga: You probably could reel in some older girls.

Crap, I don’t think Rey likes me trying to give him advice. Oh well, I’m not going to let that look of intimidation stop me. Anyone who is dumb enough to get drunk and slam their car into two parked ones (come on Rey, they were PARKED) and a parking meter, needs all the advice they can get. If you haven’t heard, yes, this happened, and yes, he is in trouble with a DUI among other things. Accompanying Rey in his own rendition of a demolition derby, were two girls. One was eighteen. The other was younger. Now, I don’t claim to be a rocket scientist or relationship expert, but I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night and would be willing to bet the farm (and by farm I mean my friend Kyle’s ant farm) that he could definitely pick up some girls that have at least, you know, graduated high school. Maybe in the past before he signed an NFL contract he had trouble because, let’s be honest, that boy Rey is one ugly motha’

(Shut yo mouth.)

I’m just talkin’ bout Rey.

Sorry for a pathetic attempt at humor, but I thought I’d try to cater to our Isaac Hayes fans since I bet we’ve never done that before. I’ll wage Kyle’s ant farm again. But anyway, step your game up Rey. The last thing you need is a visit from this guy.

Thank you CBS.

The above ad for ManCrunch.com (I didn’t forget to make that a link. I just don’t want anyone to ever visit that site.) was rejected from running during the Super Bowl by CBS. When I first watched it I thought for sure it was a joke, but apparently it isn’t. Had CBS allowed it, they would have officially beat out NBC as the worst decision making network.

White people really need to stop performing/talking about “Pants on the Ground”.

Have you ever heard people quoting or impersonating something that’s supposedly funny but they are so unfunny/poor impostures that it just wasn’t? And then you saw the actual thing and there was no chance to ever find it as humorous as it otherwise should be because it had already been ruined by the aforementioned person? Well, hopefully you have, so I didn’t describe that for nothing. Most recently, “Pants on the Ground” has been that “thing” for me. I’m not really big on watching anything that doesn’t keep score. So understandably I have not been keeping up with the American Idol tryouts apparently going on right now. Unfortunately, my first impression of “Pants on the Ground” was performed to me by my 12 year old nephew who botched it up worse than Tiger did his public image (and face for that matter). And as sure as the day is long, I wasn’t able to enjoy General Larry Platt’s original version when I finally saw it to the level the rest of the world seems to be enjoying it.

Anyway, the reason I told you that seemingly pointless personal background story is because I believe I have found the only people who could have botched it up worse than my nephew. I’m certain that if I saw the above clip of two of Louisville’s WAVE 3 meteorologists performing their unfathomably white version of the song first, I would have made sure I never heard any other version, including the original, for eternity. That’s all I’m going to say about that. I’ll let the video speak for itself. It’s truly amazing whoever thought this was a good idea ever came to that far from true conclusion.

White people really need to stop performing/talking about “Pants on the Ground.


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