PEOPLE I ALWAYS END UP PLAYING AGAINST IN PICKUP BASKETBALL EDITION

Following last week’s theme of “People I Always End Up Sitting By At Sporting Events”, this week we are going to take a look at the top 5 people I always end up playing in pickup basketball. Whether it be a random game on an outside court, a game at the local YMCA, an intermural game, or anywhere really, these same types of humans seem to always be members of the opposing team.

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5. The guy who is FAR too freaking good

You can usually spot these guys right when they walk through the door. They are dressed in all the latest Nike/Adidas gear, and let’s face it, they just look like an undersized NBA star. They don’t miss in warm ups, and its no fluke. They usually single-handedly ruin a good game of pickup basketball by scoring at will and playing defense Ron Artest would commend, all the while appearing to be completely uninterested in the game. They may even yawn during a posterizing leap to the rim. These guys need to stay away from all public courts and go ahead and sign their contract with some team overseas.

4. The guy who wont stop running

You see that kid in the red there? Notice the guy guarding him is a couple steps behind. Why? Because the kid in the red has been in a constant wind sprint since the score was 0-0. This is the kind of guy who always ends up being the last guy I guard for the day because by the time the game is over I am in full blown depression and not wanting to play any type of sport ever again. Fast break, after fast break, after constant movement on offense, I am more worried about my lungs exploding than winning the game. Boy, does this guy plays pesky defense, too. After several possessions of blanket coverage, I figure out my time on offense is best served resting so that I can guard my man on the other end of the floor.

3. The nerd who can’t miss from long distance

This kid shows up in his freshly ironed “No Fear” shirt and seems to be lacking the ability to sweat. He doesn’t say a word all game and is usually the last pick. He also possesses the uncanny ability to make 29 out of 30 three pointers no matter how contested his shot may be. This was Steve Kerr growing up. I’ll never quite understand how these types of kids get so good at shooting. Maybe they calculate the trajectory of the shot before they take it. Who knows?

2. The guy who wont stop saying “and 1”

Of all the types of players on this list, these guys are by far the least likely candidates to be my friend off the court. These miserable humans try and immitate every crossover, spin move, juke, and pump fake they have ever seen their favorite NBA star do. They try so many moves before shooting/passing the ball, you are often left hypnotized and no longer interested in the game. They also foul like crazy, but when they drive, no matter if the ball is going in or has no shot to fall through the bucket, they yell “and 1”. Goodness, I hate these people, especially when they miss. I just want to say, “Actually, that’s and two. But we’re playing pickup basketball, so we probably aren’t incorporating free throws. So, I guess you just want us to give you the ball at the top of the key even though nobody touched you.”

1. The bulky, sweaty, knee-pad wearing old guy

There he is, Old Man Henry. You can see he isn’t sweating much. That’s because he just stepped foot out of his 1989 Dodge Shadow. You can trust me when I say he will look like he just ran an ultra-marathon in the depths of hell after just a few possessions. His combination of brute old-man-strength, and super human sweat glands make him extremely unpleasant to defend. He is as fundamentally sound as they come, so don’t leave this man open. Whoever he guards on defense tends to have a soft heart for the old man and plays a passive role for his team on the offensive side of things. That, or they may just be trying to avoid being “that guy who went 100% against a senior citizen and shattered his feeble knees”. Nobody wants to be that guy.