PEOPLE I ALWAYS END UP SITTING BY AT SPORTING EVENTS EDITION

Since basketball and football are still in the off season, and I’m tired of writing about soccer, baseball, and other less interesting sports, today’s edition of “Let Me Be Frank With You…” will be a little different. You see, EVERY SINGLE sporting event I ever attend, I end up sitting by someone I either hate or find utterly repulsive, or both. It never fails. Here is my list of the top 5 people I always end up sitting by at sporting events.

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5. The guy with a nasty mole on his neck

I’m pretty sure I’ve sat behind that lady in the picture. No, I’m positive. I looks as though she has finally decided to trim that long black hair that has been growing out of that chunk of Taco Bell meat since “Mambo #5” was the number 1 song in America. This person is always sitting either right smack dab in front of me or within an arm’s reach and makes it virtually impossible to keep my attention on the game. They are usually wearing something very unfashionable and one of those hats that just doesn’t fit right. I usually spend about 5 minutes trying to sneak a picture of it on my phone to send to my friends. I also end up missing a nearly every big play of the game due to the fact I cannot stop gazing and being swept away at how unbelievably disturbing the mole/hair is. If you have one of these, do us all a favor and:

1. Cut the hair. I know the hair that grows out of moles is much thicker, darker, and heavy duty than every other hair on your body, but just please do it.

2. Cover it up. Don’t be selfish. If it comes down to wearing a scarf during summer, then you’re just going to have to sweat.

4. The guy who remembers everything

He’s the guy on the right. He’s talking about how the incredibly exciting play that just occurred reminded him a lot of the flea flicker the Steelers converted in week 7 of the 1984 season against the Houston Oilers on their own 33 yard line in the second quarter. These people really intrigue me. I feel like if I had a memory at least 1/100th the power of theirs I would have graduated from Harvard Law School with a 4.0 GPA. I’m lucky to remember a quarter of the big plays in a game a week later. It’s always bad when that guy turns to me and says, “Ahh man, remember when…”. And I reply, “Oh gah, yea I think I do! I forgot all about that!” I lie.

3. The guy who complains the entire game and boos their own team

Ohh man. I HATE this guy. They whine about every single call the ref/ump makes that doesn’t favor their team. They second guess every play a team calls that is unsuccessful. They make it known to everyone around them what they would have done in that situation. They say, “Welp, there goes the game.” in the second quarter. They boo their team as if that is supposed to pump them up to play better. These people are miserable to be around and I’ll never understand why they even watch sports.

2. The guy who doesn’t believe in opinion

This guy talks the ENTIRE game with an unfathomable amount of confidence. They are 100% certain that they are smarter than every coach and player on the field. They start arguments with people and have never in their life said, “Yea, I guess you’re right.” They speak in fact and only in fact. They pull out stats so obscure you don’t even know how to respond. They make the game very unenjoyable. They need to stay away from sucking the fun out of all future sporting events and stick to the courtroom as they are probably decent attorneys.

1. The girl who wants to be “one of the guys” and tries to act knowledgeable

This isn’t a knock on all girls. Some are enjoyable to watch a game with. They react to the ups and downs of the game like the rest of us, but don’t try and overbear us with the whole “I’m a girl and I love sports and know a lot about sports” act. These girls make sure they repeat every single word they heard on Sportscenter the night before in an attempt to to appear “in the know”. Look, it’s not cool for guys to go around talking about The Bachelor “although I know way too many dudes who watch that show for reasons I’ll never understand) or have debates on sunless tanning. Guys understand that girls do not follow sports to the level guys do, so there is no need to try and convince us otherwise.