Each Wednesday, for quite some time, I have been offering my two cents on a wide array of random sports (and non-sports) topics from around the globe, or North America at least. I bet you’re tired of it. I am too. So this week I decided to spice things up a bit and try something new. I’ve decided to list my top 5 favorite sports mustaches. Now, you’re list may be different than mine, but this is my column, so I’m going to make the calls here. I’ve also decided to leave the actual player/coach a mystery and instead focus on greatness of their respective ‘staches (which I’ve named). Most of these are easy to recognize. Guess all five – your a genius. Guess four and you’re purty smart. Guess three and you’re just plain dumb. Guess two or less and you’re just plain “eg-no-ra-moose”.
5. The Withered Terrier
You’re safest bet is to stay away. It may look thin on the surface, but trust me, it’s bullet proof.
4. The Sandy Beach
A peaceful yet elegant look, the Sandy Beach can make any man look slightly more vile and unapproachable than without.
3. The Furry Caterpillar
This ultra-dense, ultra-horizontal design is sure to keep any upper lip warm no matter the weather.
2. The Camel
Look closely and you can spot an eastbound two-humped camel. Truly fascinating.
1. The Over-Used Paintbrush
Epic. I’m speechless.
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If you’re favorite mustache didn’t make the list, let us know about it. But chances are Austin covered it in this short video embedded below, a Korked Bats exclusive film. The first reader who can correctly name all five humans featured in this countdown receives a special, zero-budget prize: recognition in next week’s “Let Me Be Frank With You…” article! I know, I know, please try and tame your excitement. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity for our fans and I expect the amount of entries to be astronomical in number. So act fast!