Kyle’s Korked Bats eMailbag

I’m coming into this with a great deal of optimism. Not in myself or any of my abilities, but in you all, the readers. Over the years this sports blog has built up quite a following, some more committed than even I, as a writer, to following along. And as a Kansas City fan, if there is one thing I’ve learned, it’s that optimism is often met with disappointment. But nay! We put out the call for a mailbag, an emailbag actually, and the call was heard.

Mark from Knoxville, TN:

First question into my first reader response album, and we are revisiting what is perhaps the very first thing I ever had sent my way on the internet, paroozing AOL chatrooms while simultaneously monitoring how many free hours my AOL DVD had remaining. Hours run out? Looks like it’s another trip to Wal-Mart to snag a hundred more. Without divulging too much about any of these, suffice to say that I know what a/s/l? means, which should give you a good fifteen year gap to drop me into.

Keith from did not specify, but probably Miami:
When will the Miami Dolphins be relevant again? I’m a huge Fins fan and my whole football fan life has been miserable. Also, do you think Ray Lewis actually killed those dudes?

Really all the Dolphins are lacking in their quest to relevancy is Tom Brady’s retirement / fall from grace. The Jets and Bills don’t look like they’re getting much better anytime soon. And with Brady’s recent addition to his house, it looks like it’s prime time for some aquatic mammals to surround him. Maybe the next time they get a first round running back from the Saints, he’ll bring them back to glory.

Brent in Waco:
I need a new TV show to watch. Preferably one that is currently on Netflix. Any suggestions?

Walter White, the king of television today.

Breaking Bad. This is not an opinion question. Thanks to binge viewing (watching multiple episodes, or even seasons of television in one sitting), television is turning into cinema, but with a deeper connection. There is a host of great television on right now, and an even larger number of people who’ll tell you what to watch. People are defensive about their favorite shows, and I’m no exception. I scoff at people who say Homeland is better than Breaking Bad or Mad Men, but I refuse to give Homeland a viewing. Nearly everything going on HBO right now is worth a watch, even if it is completely self-loathing and a totally unbelievable vehicle for a writer to spew his political opinions under the thin veil of a “registered Republican” main character (ok I took a breath. But I have some thoughts on Newsroom). Where were we? Oh yeah. Breaking Bad wraps up this summer, and Mad Men has two seasons left.

Jen, St. Charles, MO:
You know how guys use baseball terminology when it comes to scoring with girls? Well, what would the same steps be using football terms?

Celebrating nothing. Hash tag typical Kansas City sports.

Like I said earlier, I’m a Kansas City fan, so I’ll use the actual call from a Chiefs game (their Monday Night showdown in Pittsburgh) to illustrate how my dating life is going:

(Shotgun) B.Leftwich sacked at PIT 17 for -9 yards. FUMBLES, RECOVERED by KC-J.Houston at PIT 21. J.Houston for 21 yards, TOUCHDOWN. PENALTY on KC, Unsportsmanlike Conduct, 15 yards, enforced between downs. The Replay Assistant challenged the fumble ruling, and the play was REVERSED. (Shotgun) B.Leftwich pass incomplete short middle to E.Sanders. PENALTY on KC, Unsportsmanlike Conduct, 15 yards, enforced at PIT 26.

Here’s a .gif of the dance. Let’s celebrate something that doesn’t count.

So there you have it. Shoot me your questions for the next mailbag at kyle@korkedbats.com or on twitter @kyleayers. Oh, and for the record, I’ve got the Ravens in the Super Bowl, and then Ray Lewis beating your attempt to watch television for the next year without seeing him cry.

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This post was written by Kyle. You can follow his jokes on Twitter: @kyleayers

Also, be sure to follow Korked Bats and our sports related jokes on Twitter: @korkedbats


Kyle is a comedian writer, actor, and producer. You may have seen his standup on CONAN, or somewhere else if you’re really into standup. He has appeared on Fuse, Comedy Central, VH1, and more, and he has written for CBS, Comedy Central, TBS, contributed to Roasts, as well as Huffington Post, CNN, The New York Times, Wired, and a really cool site called Korked Bats.


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