Saturday, July 20, 2024

Korked Bats

That Funny Sports Blog

Kyle’s Fantasy Football Preview

It is important to keep in mind that fantasy football is just that. Fantasy. What works in the real world of football, doesn’t necessarily fly in the fantasy world.

The good thing about fantasy football is you never have to actually watch a football game. You have a stake in every game, whether good or bad, so you can just sit and stare at FantasyTracker on your computer screen and scream nonsense like, “Holy crap I need Thomas Jones to get 7 more yards rushing or 10 receiving! This MUST happen!” Thanks for the update.

Two years ago, I instigated a thrilling fantasy football stampeded to the playoffs after trading away Peyton Manning and Andre Johnson for Larry Johnson, picked up players of the caliber of Kolby Smith and Tyler Thigpen, and proceeded to finish the fantasy football season with a team built up entirely of Kansas City Chiefs. The Chiefs finished their season 1-7, but my fantasy football team finished out the year 6-2 and I upset the #2 overall seed in round one of the playoffs. How? The 2008 Chiefs lost 7 of their last 8 games, but these losses came in around 35-33 each week. 33 points for a team spreads quite well around a single fantasy team. This is a loophole in fantasy football. Bad defense holds no weight to potent offense.

Note: I realized there are leagues with individual defensive players. This is ridiculous. If you are in a league with these rules, go ahead and ALT+TAB back over to your World of Warcraft game and quit reading this post. You need to get a life.

So let us proceed into my fantasy football preview. Fantasy to take prevalence. Football to take a backseat to strategy. We’ll go position by position. I’ll list my top two options with reasons, then round out the top five in list form.

Let’s get started.

• • •


(1) Aaron Rodgers – Green Bay Packers – Now I know a lot of people are going to argue that Drew Brees should be the top QB picked, or Peyton. And, yes, those are both viable options. I’m nearly 100% sure all three will start a majority of games for their respective teams. Rodgers, though, is the only of the QBs who is on the upswing of their career. Increased experience means he is only getting better year by year. That, mixed with the fact that I have already drafted Rodgers in one of my fantasy football leagues, creates the perfect storm.

(2) Brodie Croyle – Kansas City Chiefs – Though I’m not 100% sure of the logistics of every individual fantasy football rule, owning Croyle on your team wouldn’t hurt your chances of meeting his wife:

Rounding It Out:

(3) Drew Brees

(4) Peyton Manning

(5) Gandalf the White

• • •

Running Back

RB: (1) Adrian Peterson – Minnesota Vikings – I may end up being wrong here, but I really feel like Chris Johnson will overrun himself in his “quest for 2,500 yards,” leading to some sort of injury. Players tend to underwhelm in seasons following their most remarkable. The Vikes will be forced to lean a little bit harder on Peterson this year, whom I believe will overcome his fumbling woes and return to perfect form.

(2) 8-bit Bo – Oakland Raiders – Unstoppable, and a 99 yard per carry average. Bo Knows.

Rounding It Out:

(3) Chris Johnson

(4) Ray Rice

(5) Jamaal Charles

• • •

Wide Receiver

WR: (1) Andre Johnson – Houston Texans – I am up on the Texans all around this year, and actually think they could make a run towards the playoffs (sounds like preseason Texans talk from every year, though). The biggest reason being the ever-growing consistency of Matt Schaub, and the ability that Johnson brings to the table. Double or triple coverage can’t slow down Johnson, who is also a huge threat in the red zone with his height.

(2) Matt Barnes – Los Angeles Lakers – Not only can Barnes pass the ball, but he has the ability to catch his own passes, mere inches from where they left. Since his trade to the Lakers, he should flourish.

Rounding It Out:

(3) Randy Moss

(4) Lynn Swan

(5) Whoever Drew Brees likes that week.

• • •

Tight End

TE: (1) Zach Miller – Oakland Raiders – When I pick Tight Ends, I tend to pick whoever has a new/bad QB, since the TE is often times the backup plan for fledgling flingers. Jason Campbell often flees the pockets, and Miller will be his go-to

(2) Tony Gonzalez – Kansas City Chiefs – Wait, what? He’s still traded to the Falcons? Dang it!

Rounding It Out:

(3) Inception had a tight ending (pun!)

(4) I hate anyone for the Chargers

(5) Dustin Keller

• • •

Kickers and Defense

Ok, here is where people would normally cover kickers and defenses, but, seriously, kickers aren’t humans, and defenses are a position play for 90% of teams, picking a defense playing a weak QB or offense.

• • •

What I’m saying is: fantasy football is trash. It forces you to follow every game, a marketing (genius) ploy to peak your interest. That being said, I’m in two leagues, so let’s play!



Kyle is a comedian writer, actor, and producer. You may have seen his standup on CONAN, or somewhere else if you’re really into standup. He has appeared on Fuse, Comedy Central, VH1, and more, and he has written for CBS, Comedy Central, TBS, contributed to Roasts, as well as Huffington Post, CNN, The New York Times, Wired, and a really cool site called Korked Bats.


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