Korked Bats Pick ‘Em Challenge – Week 1

PICKS: VIENNA, TEXAS, KENTUCKY, TENNESSEE, VIRGINIA

“Not picks…facts. Texas: I was actually surprised and disappointed to learn that Quin Snyder was no longer the head coach at Missouri. This discovery lead me to realize that Missouri basketball hasn’t been relevant outside the Midwest in 6 years. Kentucky: The lynch pin to Vanderbilt”s success is, essentially, an exact replica of Luc Longley, but on a much crappier team. Ogilvy is fundementally sound but soft around the rim and is going to get bullied under the basket by Cousins. Tennessee: Skyler McBee is a 3-point shooting maven.The rag-tag assortment of Bruce Pearl’s thugs and criminals are still better than USC. Devin Downey would be better off playing Tennessee by himself. Virginia: No team in the country has a greater propensity for screwing the pooch against mediocre teams than the Clemson Tigers. Uhh…I don’t watch the Bachelor. So…Vienna? Cause that sounds like a stripper name..”

“Yeah, I said it. I picked every school that we go to. So what?! You wanna make something of it? Here is my reasoning: Mizzou has won 32 of 33 at home and hasn’t lost to Texas since the 2006-2007 season. Texas fight? Apparently not when they play Mizzou in basketball. Kentucky will have a tough time against Vandy, but let’s face it, they’re Kentucky. Finally, Frank has something to boast about in college athletics. The only way South Carolina beats Tennessee is if they score more points than them. And there is less of a chance of that happening than Tennessee scoring more points than South Carolina. (Great insight and analogies, I know. But what do you expect from a game lamer than Steven Hawking’s voice-box?) And picking who is going to win between Virginia and Clemson is like picking who is skankier between Nicole Ritchie and Paris Hilton. So I picked Paris Hilton. When it comes to the bachelor, I’m saying Gia gets the boot. Why? Because her mom is crazy. She pulled Jake aside last week to do Terot Card readings on him. You may be thinking, “I don’t think Terot Card readings are as weird as you watching The Bachelor, Austin.” And what I have to say to that is, make fun of me now, but I’ll be the one laughing when I reach that 50 point mark before anyone else.”

“I first just want to let all you jabronies know how badly I am about to dominate this challenge. Of course, I am kind of at an advantage this week because all of the games we’re picking are college basketball matchups. Slack, being a Clemson fan, probably isn’t too much of a college hoops guy considering the Tigers haven’t had a decent player since Horace Grant in 1987. Austin goes to Mizzouri. I don’t know anyone out of the city of Columbia that has paid attention to that basketball team since Quinn Snyder left. And Chip, Vol fans didn’t even know men played basketball until Bruce “My Team Plays on a Court Named After A Woman” Pearl took over the head coaching gig. If I just ruffled some feathers, good. Y’all can get me back come football season. Music City bowl losses don’t serve as very good ammunition in trash talk battles. Anyway, yea Texas will beat Mizzou. Let’s be honest, Richmond did. Kentucky won’t lose again this season unless DeMarcus Cousins gets injured. South Carolina beat UK at home, so I think they take care of business against Swiperboy & Company. And honestly I don’t know a thing about Clemson or Virginia and don’t feel like learning anything about them so I’ll just take the home team. As for The Bachelor, I’ve never watched it in my life, but Tenley is a horrible first name. So I pick her.”

“Vienna – While I was crusing the local grocery store I happened to notice the cover of US Weekly. Turns out that Vienna has some bad ex-boyfriend secrets that are supposed to be revealed on the next episode, so I pick her. No Homo. Mizzou – They are great at home (except for when the play A&M apparently) and Texas is falling apart faster than a game of drunken Jenga. Kentucky – Remember that time they played a couple weeks ago? Vandy looked like a team made up of foreigners or something. (Get it?) Tennessee – If I remember correctly, Steven Pearl outplayed Devyn Downey last week… that’s embarrassing. Virginia – I looked at their rosters and they both start white people (weird), so I am going to have to go with the Cavs b/c their white guy is better.”