Tuesday, June 25, 2024

Korked Bats

That Funny Sports Blog

Korked Bats Archives – Snooze Button (UNC Wins)

Since our birthday is at the end of this month, we will continue to bring you some of our best posts from our first year in segments we call, Korked Bats Archives.

This archived post comes from Jared and dates back to the day after the NCAA Men’s Basketball National Championship Game, April 7th, 2009.

Many of you watched it and it was a UNC run away right from the start. Jared watched the whole game and since it was so boring, decided to take note of everything he did during the game.

• • •
Tyler Hansbrough had the right idea: catch some sleep during this snoozefest.
Unless you’ve been under a rock (or in Buffalo Bill’s pit), you know that the North Carolina Tar Heels won the NCAA Men’s Tournament Championship game last night. Or as I’ve dubbed it, Zz-Zz-Palooza 2009.

Being as this game was dunzo by the 20:00 minute mark in the first half, I took it upon myself to find alternate activities to watching this snoozefest:

18:54, first half: UNC takes the lead for good at 5-3 on a Danny Green 3-pointer. I pull out my Tour Team packet and begin studying. Did you know Mizzou’s mascot is a tiger?

15:38: Francis Quadrangle is named for what former Missouri Governor? Duh, Stevie!

12:29: Michigan State cuts the lead to 13. I fart.

9:06: The Heels go ahead and up their lead to 36-13. I go ahead and spend a few minutes practicing my impression of Gunner Stahl. “Gud wurk, Kaptin Duck!”

7:44: I seriously contemplated switching over to The Hills season premiere on MTV. But how can you blame me, this is L.C.’s last season on the show! I know, right?!

6:48: 43-20. Weeeeee!

4:28: Let’s see what the game looks like sitting upside down in my chair!

3:28: Jim Nantz mentions that Michigan State is getting ready to get KU off the hook. Apparently in 2003, Syracuse scored what was then a title game record 53 points in the first half. Is that any consolation for getting Carmeloed? Oh well, my interest was immediately lost again. The Lions in the archway by the Missouri Journalism School were donated by what country? Um…Detroit?

1:33: Me- “Why did you do that Rose? You’re so stupid Rose! Why did you do that? (Kiss and hug my rough drawing of Kate Winslet) You’re so stupid Rose!”

1:00: There’s the record. 55 points. Congrats Tar Heels. You’re the only 17 people in the world enjoying yourselves right now. Well, I am, but that’s only because I’m playing the most addictive game on the internet.

90:00: Wait a minute… Ninety minutes left? How long are these halv… wait. I forgot, I’m still sitting upside down. 6 seconds left.

0:00: I text fellow Korked Batsmen Kyle to see if he’s still showing Slumdog Millionaire at his house tonight. No. Looks like I’m stuck watching the second half.

Finally… Halftime: Maybe this will be an entertaining portion of the game? I mean, even the commercials have been bad this year. What is this, Super Bowl XLIII? (Not referring to yours, Mr. and Mrs. Potato Head)

20:00 in the second half: On my way over to my girlfriend’s house, I rap along with every word of “Dipset” by Lil’ Wayne.

16:00ish: I own some amateurs in Super Smash Brothers for Nintendo 64. You don’t mess with my boy genius!

11:58: I give my girlfriend’s roommate some advice on men. The advice: accept failure.

9:30: Who wins in a fight between The King and Patrick Ewing?

7:44: I log on to Facebook. Poke a couple of friends. Then I check out “Some People I May Know”… Nope, still don’t know any of them. But thanks anyway, FB!

5:15: I decide that the King would definitely win.

4:57: Michigan State cuts the lead to 14. The suspense is killing me. Not enough to keep me in my seat though. No, the idea of noisily kicking a soccer ball around my girlfriend’s apartment is far too enticing.

2:23: UNC pushes the lead back up to 19. I’m so happy we didn’t waste Gus Johnson on this game.

1:03: I’ve actually been watching the game for the last couple of minutes to see the ovation that Hansbrough gets when he gets subbed out. Instead of subbing him out by himself, though, Roy Williams unwittingly calls a timeout and takes out all 5 starters (Except the fouled out Danny Green). Ignoring the fact that watching Hansbrough hug-attack the entire team was the best thing to ever happen to me, that was poorly handled. That’s how you give tribute to a 4-time All American, last year’s national player of the year, and ACC’s all-time leading scorer? You call a time out and sub everyone out at once? How did you not sub your starters out one at a time- or at least Hansbrough? Very weird.

1:02: Then I realize I’m questioning a college basketball coach who has won the National Title twice in the past five years.

0:19: The only reason I still have this on is for One Shining Moment.

0:00: Congratulations North Carolina. You just destroyed the only hope of enjoyment that citizens of Detroit will have for the next three years. Sleep well tonight.

-5:17: Finally… One Shining Moment!

-5:28: The first tear streams down my cheek, unnoticed by my girlfriend.

-6:57: My girlfriend hands me a box of tissues.


Darn you David Barrett for writing such a catchy song that is easier to get stuck in your head than Britney Spears’ Toxic!

In all seriousness , congrats to the Tar Heels. Not because I actually like them, but thanks to them, I have now correctly picked the national champion in my bracket 3 straight years and 4 of the last 5.

Now I only have one hope: Tyler Hansborough gets drafted by the Lakers or Cavaliers. The idea of seeing 12th man Tyler Hansborough hug-attack LeBron after hitting a game winner in the Finals, or sneaking one up on Kobe after winning a title excites me more than going to see Fast and Furious this weekend. Actually, I demand that he be placed on one of those rosters for the playoffs this year. He could take the sitting spot of DJ Mbenga for the Lakers or Darnell Jackson for the Cavs. Or, better yet, can he just sit between the two benches with a jersey for each team in hand for the Finals? This can’t be my last opportunity to see hugs like that.

Huckleberry Hound cuts down the net after UNC’s 89-72 win over the Spartans.

P.S. After seeing the tight Nike NCAA Champions t-shirts they got after winning, made me wish Mizzou would have won it all. Gah, if only I woulda’ known that…



Austin hosts a country music morning radio show in Chicago after nearly a decade in sports talk radio (The Jim Rome Show, Steve Gorman SPORTS!) Colin Cowherd and Smash Mouth follow him on Twitter and he wears pants every day.


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