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Thursday, March 28, 2024

Korked Bats

That Funny Sports Blog

Korked Bats’ 2015 MLB Preview: National League

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It’s that time of year. Time to shoot off the gun, signifying the start of America’s longest marathon, baseball season. Yes, baseball season is long. In fact, it’s the only thing longer than the intro to House of Cards. However, it provides great excitement throughout. Unless you’re a Twins fan. But why wait until October to figure out how your team will do? We have all of your 2015 MLB Predictions right here.

MLB Preview - NL East

You know how when your wife or girlfriend asks if her butt looks big in those pants? And it really does, but you don’t want to say anything because then she would be mad at you for the rest of the night, and she’d be forced to change, and you guys are already running 10 minutes late. So you just say, “No, you look great!” That’s how I feel about the National League East. This division hasn’t won a Postseason series since 2010, and this division hasn’t won a Postseason series by a team other than the Phillies since 2006. So, let’s stop beating around the bush when it comes to the NL East. Yes, National League East. Your butt does look big. There. I said it.

NL East Division Final Standings Prediction

1) Washington Nationals (159-3, according to the media) – Division Winner

2) Miami Marlins (86-76)

3) New York Mets (79-85)

4) Atlanta Braves (71-91)

5) Philadelphia Phillies (they might win like 3 games)

• • •

Nationals

If they handed out World Series titles at the beginning of seasons, the Nationals would be the Yankees. But they don’t. So every Nationals season is like M. Night Shyamalan’s career. It starts out strong. They seem Unbreakable. They have a Sixth Sense for winning games. All Signs point to the Nationals winning it all.

But then, in the Postseason, the Village begins to fall. They start playing like a Lady in the Water, and from there, it all starts Happening. The Last Airbender probably won’t still be around After Earth.

Ok, that last paragraph didn’t really make sense, but you get the point. The Nationals always disappoint in the postseason. However, the boys from our nation’s capital did add Cy Young Award winner Max Scherzer, giving them enough aces to make John Madden aroused.

• • •

Marlins

If you notice the Marlins wearing a lot of hand-me-downs and dress shirts from Kohl’s, while re-gifting presents to others, and alligator arming it when the bill arrives at lunch, it’s because they spent all of their money on Giancarlo Stanton’s contract in the offseason. However, they still managed to make some key offseason additions, like Dee Gordon, Dan Haren, Mat Latos, and Michael Morse. As long as the rest of the guys on the team don’t keep asking Morse to show them his World Series ring, they should be able to remain focused throughout the season. Dee Gordon is what happens when you put Orlando Hudson in the dryer. He should be a solid batt at the top of the lineup. If the Marlins can get as many wins as Jarrod Saltalamachhiamalalatoriabandwicklepwa has letters in his name, they could make a run for the Wild Card and potentially put pressure on the Nationals.

Since they won’t make any money back off ticket sales (aside from the one they sell to Marlins Man for literally every game), don’t be surprised to see the Marlins get caught up in a quick-cash pyramid scheme, just to try and pay off Stanton’s contract. Which, speaking of pyramid schemes, that brings us to our next team…

• • •

Mets

The Mets have a lot of young talent, especially in their pitching staff. Matt Harvey is really good looking and Jacob deGrom doesn’t capitalize the first letter of his last name, so you know he’s exotic. Plus, the Mets hold a gem in the minors by the name of Noah Snydergaard. For those counting at home, that’s two A’s in his name. His name sounds like the villain in an Indiana Jones movie, so you know he’s bad ass. Unfortunately, the Mets are still the Mets which factors into 65 losses automatically. Even when things look good for the Mets, they still look bad. I mean, their Opening Day starter, Bartolo Colon, sweats gravy.

The only hope the Mets have of winning a World Series this year is if every team starts Bill Buckner at first.

• • •

Braves

We haven’t seen a lineup this bad since NBC’s Thursday night lineup after they canceled Community. With very little power, this lineup seems weaker than Atlanta’s ability to sustain an NHL team. It’s almost as if new MLB Commissioner Rob Manfred turned “trade rejections” off for this season, because the Braves got squat for giving up Jayson Heyward and Justin Upton. The team also lost Evan Gattis, Emilio Bonacio, Ervin Santana, Craig Kimbrel, Melvin “Don’t Call Me B.J.” Upton Jr., and Aaron Harang. (The last in that list is actually a good thing.)

The 2015 Braves lineup is like a Who’s Who of MLB players. Not because it’s filled with superstar talent, but because when you read their lineup, you’ll literally be asking, “Wait… who’s who?”

Sure, they got young pitcher Shelby Miller from the Cardinals in the Heyward trade, but he never really lived up to his full potential in St. Louis, and if you can’t succeed in the city where pitchers go to revive their careers, then he probably won’t amount to much in Atlanta. Plus, do you really want to build your pitching staff around a guy named Shelby?

Freddie Freeman on this year’s Braves team is the baseball equivalent of Spike playing on the Little Giants. He’s not going to have a lot of help around him. Things look so grim, the Braves should go ahead and ask the Falcons to borrow their CD of fake crowd noise.

• • •

Phillies

We haven’t seen a lineup this bad since we looked at the Atlanta Braves 2015 lineup.

Lol. The Phillies are gonna suck this year.

• • •

MLB Preview - NL Central

The National League Central is essentially a 2-team race between the Cardinals and Pirates. The Cubs will be better. But it’s hard NOT to be better when you spend an entire season in the NL Central cellar. As for the Brewers and Reds, well… ummm… How ’bout them Packers and Bengals, eh?!

NL Central Division Final Standings Prediction

1) St. Louis Cardinals (98-64) – Division Winner

2) Pittsburgh Pirates (88-74) – Wild Card

3) Chicago Cubs (Wait, you’re allowed to win more than 75 games?)

4) Milwaukee Brewers (61-20 in the 1st half, 10-71 in the 2nd half)

5) Cincinnati Reds (69-lol… 69)

• • •

Cardinals

Did you guys know the Cardinals are good? You didn’t? Oh. Well, you clearly haven’t talked to a Cardinals fan recently.

However, the fact is, the Cardinals are really good. They have one of the most solid lineups in baseball from top to bottom. No one that will jump out at you, but just guys who get the job done. Plus, the Red Birds added Jason Heyward in the offseason, and he will provide a solid bat and good speed at the top of the order, so the Cardinals can stop trying to make “Jon Jay at the top of the order” happen.

The Cardinals also have one of the best pitching staffs in baseball. But this is like telling you Starbucks serves coffee. You already knew that. It’s what they do.

Whether you want to admit it or not (trust me, you don’t), the Cardinals are a team where everything happens in their favor. Seriously. Everything. I wouldn’t be surprised if Matt Holiday suffers a season-ending injury in May, and on a whim, the team sticks relief pitcher Randy Choate in left field, and he goes on to bat .305 with 28 home runs, and 97 RBIs, wins a Gold Glove and National League MVP.

Stuff like that happens to the Cardinals.

They’re like Jason Voorhees. They live in the middle of nowhere. They won’t die. And we keep getting sequels, even though we really don’t want any sequels.

• • •

Pirates

The Pirates are the baseball equivalent of that guy who discovered Wilco a few years after everyone else. “Have you guys heard this band Wilco? They’re amazing! OMG, they’re my new favorite band.” Only Wilco in this analogy is winning. The Pirates have made it to the postseason two years in a row now (if, of course, you count losing the Wild Card as making it to the postseason), after not even posting a winning record in 21 years. It’s like, “Yeah, Pirates. We know about winning. We’ve been doing it for years. You’re extremely late to the party… We also know about Wilco.”

The Buccos have the best outfield in baseball with Starling Marte, Gregor Polanco, and a perennial MVP candidate in Andrew McCutchen. They also have one of the best fan home field advantages in the playoffs. Watching the Pirates in the postseason is a lot of fun. However, Pittsburgh just needs to not pull a Disney and make this third Pirates installment the worst one.

• • •

Cubs

The Cubs may not have outfield bleachers for the first third of their season, but at least they have rookie phenom Kris Bryant! *checks the roster* Wait… *checks the AAA-affiliate Iowa Cubs roster* What the ef, Cubs?! Why? Just why? Sorry, Astros, but the Cubs apparently have their own version of the Killer B’s… First it was Billy Goats, then it was Bartman, and now it’s Bleachers and Bad Roster Moves.

The Kris Bryant decision aside, the Cubs do have a solid lineup full of fresh talent. Our dark horse/work horse to look out for is Jorge Soler. He might be the best player nobody is talking about. He’s like if Yasiel Puig took that experimental Captain America serum. He has all the talent, without the bat flip. Cubs fans should be more excited for him than they should be for Wrigley Field to get more bathrooms installed.

The movie Back to the Future II got a lot of things right about the year 2015. Like this, this, this, and this. However, we have yet to see two of their biggest predictions. Flying cars and a Cubs World Series. But many believe this might be the year. This might be the year we finally get flying cars!

What did you think I was going to say a Cubs World Series? Not a chance. Not this year.

• • •

Brewers

At the old Milwaukee County Stadium, the Brewers mascot, Bernie Brewer, used to slide into a giant vat of beer following every home run and win. While the slide remains at Miller Park, the vat of beer is no more. But after last season, Bernie Brewer is begging to bring the vat of beer back.

The Brew Crew was atop the NL Central for 149 days last season. On September 1, they dropped into 2nd place. No more than seven days later, they were in 3rd place. It was like dating the prettiest girl in school all year, but then she breaks up with you right before prom. Sure, the Brewers saved money on a tux and corsage, but what a let down.

It doesn’t appear that 2015 will be much different that the final 31 days of last season. The Brewers are an extremely young and inexperienced team. I think it might be a year or two until their back contending for the Central against probably the Cardinals, because it’s always the Cardinals.

In fact, the Brewers’ entire fan base might want to see if they can share that vat of beer with Bernie.

• • •

Reds

Don’t read too much into this last place prediction. The NL team with the most communist name could rise to power very easily. Their only problem is that they have a lineup that is full of Tara Reid’s. Players who were, at one time, really hot. Unfortunately, that seems like forever ago.

Joey Votto, Jay Bruce, Todd Frazier, Brandon Phillips, and Marlon Byrd are all names of guys you probably picked up in the first or second rounds of your fantasy baseball draft in like 2011, but lately, they’ve kind of faded into an oblivion.

Don’t get me wrong, I think the Reds can return to that prominence very easily. I just had to pick someone in the NL Central to be last, and well, it couldn’t be the Cubs, because “this is their year.”

They’ve got the most dominant closer in baseball, but you have to have a lead in the ninth to get to the closer. The rest of the bullpen could lead Reds fans to run for the exits faster than Billy Hamilton runs the bases.

• • •

MLB Preview - NL West

Since 1998, every National League West team has won the National League pennant at least once. Well, every team except the Dodgers. And they might be this division’s best team, at least according to every media outlet ever.  So the division, as a whole, is usually pretty solid or at least top heavy with a couple of the best teams in baseball. This year seems to be one of those more top heavy seasons.

NL West Division Final Standings Prediction

1) Los Angeles Dodgers (247-34) – Division Winner

2) San Diego Padres (88-74) – Wild Card

3) San Francisco Giants (83-79)

4) Colorado Rockies (Meh…)

5) Arizona Diamondbacks (63-99)

• • •

Dodgers

The Dodgers are the Kim Kardashian of Major League Baseball. They’re both rich. They both come from Los Angeles. And they’re both famous for not really doing anything. The Dodgers haven’t won a World Series, or even played in one, since 1988. Heck, the Dodgers don’t even have a sex tape.

One other similarity between the Dodgers and Mrs. Kanye West is that they’re both really bad at math.

The Dodgers are going with the addition by subtraction method this season.

You don’t need to be Stephen Hawking to know that it’s physically impossible to add by subtracting. The same applies in baseball. The Dodgers dumped a lot of superstar talent in order to become better in the future and unload some of the largest payroll in baseball, but they’re still forced to eat a lot of their former players’ contracts. Well. They won’t eat the contracts. Juan Uribe will.

The Dodgers lost Matt Kemp, Hanley Ramirez, Dee Gordon, and Drew Butera. Yes, I know. You’re thinking, “How on earth are the Dodgers going to win a World Series, let alone a NL West title, without superstar Drew Butera and his career .183 batting average?” Well, they’ll find a way. Wait. They haven’t won anything in nearly 3 decades. So nevermind. They’re screwed.

• • •

Padres

The Padres brought in more new faces this offseason than any other franchise. Matt Kemp, Wil Myers, Justin Upton, James Shields, Will Middlebrooks, Derrick Norris, Melvin “I’m No Longer B.J. So Please Stop Calling Me That” Upton Jr., Benny “The Jet” Rodriguez, Steve Nebraska, Beyoncé, Ed (the baseball playing monkey from the movie Ed), Henry Rowengartner, G-Baby, Lou Collins, Leonardo DiCaprio, the corpse of Keith Hernandez even though he’s not even dead yet, Eric Van Leemer, and a partridge in a pear tree.

In fact, you might want to double check. The Padres might have signed you this offseason. It’s very possible.

With the additions, the Padres now have solid pitching, a fantastic catcher, and the second best outfield in baseball (behind the Pirates) with Juston Upton, Wil Myers, Matt Kemp, and Beyoncé coming off the bench. Although, for as good as their outfield is, their infield is that mediocre. It’s like the forgot that a baseball team fields 9 players instead of 5.

Regardless, the Padres are still very scary. Yes, they’re figuratively scary, because of their revamped roster, but they’re also actually scary because they have TWO (yes, TWO!) guys on their roster named Wil… WITH ONE L! It’s weird enough that one guy does it, but TWO?! Even Joe Maddon thinks that spelling is too hipster for baseball.

Only serial killers named spell their names with one L like that.

• • •

Giants

It’s an odd year, so don’t get your hopes up, San Francisco. Unless Madison Bumgarner can pitch every single inning this year, which after watching last year’s World Series, is not out of the question. The Giants’ 2015 season looks bleak.

San Francisco lost a lot of crucial pieces in the offseason (Pablo Sandoval, Michael Morse, Jim Harbaugh) and their pitching staff is getting older and older everyday. Tim Hudson drinks Ensure in the dugout. Matt Cain is getting liver spots all over his hands. Jake Peavy still calls remote controls “the clicker.” That leaves Mad Bum, who is probably the 3rd or 4th best regular season pitcher currently and the 1st best postseason pitcher currently, and Tim Lincecum, who is still young, but just not that good anymore. Everyone gets hits off of Lincecum’s stuff. (That last sentence could be a reference to baseball and/or marijuana.)

I predict that come August, San Francisco will be counting down the days to see Jim Tomsula lead the 49ers to a 5-11 record next season.

• • •

Rockies

The Rockies have one thing going for them, they will almost certainly surpass the 2014 Broncos win total of 12, and that’s something to be proud of. The bad thing is that it will probably take the Rockies until mid May to do so.

• • •

Diamondbacks

• • •

National League Postseason

WILD CARD: Pirates over Padres

NLDS: Cardinals over Pirates, Nationals over Dodgers

NLCS: Nationals over Cardinals

American League Postseason

WILD CARD: Red Sox over Mariners

ALDS: Red Sox over Tigers, Angels over Orioles

ALCS: Angels over Red Sox

World Series

Nationals over Angels

• • •

MLB Preview - American

Click here to read our American League Preview

• • •

This post was created by Austin. You can follow him and his jokes on Twitter: @TheAHuff

Also, for up-to-the-minute sports jokes, follow Korked Bats on Twitter: @KorkedBats

Austin

Austin hosts a country music morning radio show in Chicago after nearly a decade in sports talk radio (The Jim Rome Show, Steve Gorman SPORTS!) Colin Cowherd and Smash Mouth follow him on Twitter and he wears pants every day.

Austin

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