Hi, This Is Ken Griffey Jr., Let’s Retire From Major League Baseball
An era of baseball ended a couple of days ago when Ken Griffey Jr., the player voted “Best Player in the 1990s,” retired from Major League Baseball at the age of 40, after a 22-year career. The announcement was heard by millions live on ESPN, including Ted Anders, a 25 year old from Topeka, KS, who saw the announcement at a local Buffalo Wild Wings.
“I almost started to cry,” Anders said, “but then things just got worse.”
After a smattering of sniffles, mumblings, and a few people even audibly stating, “Thank you, Junior,” the youngest present wing-eater, Jimmy (age 8), spoke up:
“Who’s Ken Griffey Jr.?” Jimmy turned to his father.
“Honestly, I wanted to punch the kid right in the face. Right then, square in the face,” Anders continued, “but I didn’t. He’s a kid, after all.”
“I wouldn’t have blamed him [if he hit Jimmy],” said Craig Turner, Jimmy’s dad,”I was (expletive) embarrassed.”
When asked who his favorite baseball player was, Jimmy replied, “I don’t really watch baseball. I like video games and LOST.”
Griffey, who was fifteen minutes late to his retirement press conference due to a nap in the green room, was the face of baseball for over a decade. As Griffey announced his retirement, the tilt of the Earth was knocked .04 degrees further down, a phenomenon scientists attribute to 4.6 millionbaseball caps being turned around forwards simultaneously.