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Hi, This Is Ken Griffey Jr., Let’s Retire From Major League Baseball

An era of baseball ended a couple of days ago when Ken Griffey Jr., the player voted “Best Player in the 1990s,” retired from Major League Baseball at the age of 40, after a 22-year career. The announcement was heard by millions live on ESPN, including Ted Anders, a 25 year old from Topeka, KS, who saw the announcement at a local Buffalo Wild Wings.

“I almost started to cry,” Anders said, “but then things just got worse.”

After a smattering of sniffles, mumblings, and a few people even audibly stating, “Thank you, Junior,” the youngest present wing-eater, Jimmy (age 8), spoke up:

“Who’s Ken Griffey Jr.?” Jimmy turned to his father.

“Honestly, I wanted to punch the kid right in the face. Right then, square in the face,” Anders continued, “but I didn’t. He’s a kid, after all.”

“I wouldn’t have blamed him [if he hit Jimmy],” said Craig Turner, Jimmy’s dad,”I was (expletive) embarrassed.”

When asked who his favorite baseball player was, Jimmy replied, “I don’t really watch baseball. I like video games and LOST.”

Griffey, who was fifteen minutes late to his retirement press conference due to a nap in the green room, was the face of baseball for over a decade. As Griffey announced his retirement, the tilt of the Earth was knocked .04 degrees further down, a phenomenon scientists attribute to 4.6 millionbaseball caps being turned around forwards simultaneously.

Kyle

Kyle is a comedian writer, actor, and producer. You may have seen his standup on CONAN, or somewhere else if you’re really into standup. He has appeared on Fuse, Comedy Central, VH1, and more, and he has written for CBS, Comedy Central, TBS, contributed to Roasts, as well as Huffington Post, CNN, The New York Times, Wired, and a really cool site called Korked Bats.

Kyle

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