Kevin v. Kyle Pick the NFL Week 3: Dark Side of the Moon

The competition between my oldest friend Kevin and I continues, and let me tell you, things aren’t looking good for Kyle here. I had a premature celebration last week, and all of my hope went down the drain like the Chiefs’ entire season. I got this email from Kevin earlier in the week:

Ok, so he’s right. He is destroying me. BUT THE SEASON IS YOUNG. Just young enough for Mark Sanchez to date. So, let’s do this.

And be sure to check out last week’s post to see the stakes: MLB team pride.

Kevin’s Week Three Picks, with my response/agreement:

Kevin: Buffalo Bills 31 • Cincinnati Bengals 20

Why is it that all that crosses my mind when the Bills are being talked about is the Music City Miracle? Oh yeah, because that was awesome. Buffalo should cruise by the Bengals, and then after the game there’s a high probability that a Bengal’s player will get arrested.

Kyle: Bills 24 • Bengals 10

• • •

Kevin: Carolina Panthers 17 • Chicago Bears 27

The Bears O-line gives up 12 sacks but Jay Cutler leads the Bears to victory after a Bears fan punches Mike Martz in the face (have I mentioned before that I don’t like Mike Martz?).

Kyle: Panthers 14 • Bears 17

• • •

Kevin: Tennessee Titans 24 • Cleveland Browns 13

Are you there Chris Johnson? It’s me, Margaret. Wait a minute. I wouldn’t understand Chris Johnson’s answer even if he were there. العب اون لاين مجانا

Kyle: Titans 10 • Browns 17

• • •

Kevin: Detroit Lions 27 • Dallas Cowboys 24

Without Miles Austin and with a hurt Dez Bryant and Felix Jones, the semi-injured Tony Romo leads his team… look at how many people are injured on the Cowboys! There’s no way they win!

Kyle: Lions 30 • Cowboys 34

I think the Cowboys find a way. Dez will go.

• • •

Kevin: Minnesota Vikings 24 • Kansas City Chiefs 20

I don’t know. I really don’t know… how much the Vikings will need to be up by after the first half to not blow the game.

Kyle: Vikings 13 • Chiefs 20

The Vikings are 12 minutes of football away from being 3-0, but the Chiefs have to win at some point.

• • •

Kevin: Washington Redskins 18 • St. Louis Rams 23

Rex Grossman. Rex Grossman. Rex Grossman. Rex Grossman. Rex Grossman; These are the 5 reasons the Redskins are going to lose.

Kyle: Redskins 18 • Rams 23

Kevin made really good points, actually.

• • •

Kevin: New Orleans Saints ∞ • Jacksonville Jaguars 6

That’s right! The Saints won’t stop scoring!

Kyle: Saints 42 • Jaguars 10

I don’t even know how to make the infinity symbol on a keyboard. Ú”’ÆÚ˘Ú˘ nope, can’t find it.

• • •

Kevin: San Francisco 49ers 14 • Philadelphia Eagles 34

I need LeSean McCoy to keep the scoring up because I want to continue to win in my fantasy football league, so he’s going to score all 34 points. He should kick the field goals too. سباق الخيل مباشر Also, I don’t care about anything that’s going on with Mike Vick at this point.

Kyle: 49ers 13 • Eagles 28

• • •

Kevin: Pittsburgh Steelers 31 • Houston Texans 27

I don’t think Houston is for real anymore. I still think it’s them or the Titans that are winning the division, but it’s almost by default because of how bad the Colts and Jags are.

Kyle: Steelers 23 • Texans 14

“By the way, did anyone see Troy Polamalu in the SI season preview? He looked fat.” – Kevin

• • •

Kevin: Atlanta Falcons 24 • Seattle Seahawks 20

I’m tempted to pick Seattle here because of the home field advantage and because of how awful the Falcons seem to play away from their own dome. Alas, I’m picking the Falcons. And yes, I just used the word “Alas.”

Kyle: Falcons 17 • Seahawks 20

Matt Ryan is ruining my fantasy season right now.

• • •

Kevin: New York Giants 23 • Arizona Cardinals 16

Attention: Eli Manning, Hakeem Nicks is on your team! Throw the ball to him! Not Vicor Cruz!

Kyle: Giants 10 • Cardinals 20

Really no justification except I need to catch up in this contest.

• • •

Kevin: Denver Broncos 10 • Green Bay Packers 45

The Packers could probably beat the Broncos if all three of the Denver quarterbacks were playing at the same time (I’m talking 14 on 11, not just having all three QB’s playing different positions). On second thought, that was a stupid comment. مراهنات التنس The point is the Packers are much better than the Broncos.

Kyle: Broncos 13 • Packers 35

This won’t be pretty.

• • •

Kevin: New England Patriots: An Ungodly Amount of Points • Oakland Raiders 24

Tom Brady coming off of a loss to the Bills is not something I would want to see if I were the opposing team.

Kyle: Patriots 45 • Raiders 30

• • •

Kevin: Miami Dolphins 23 • San Diego Chargers 30

San Diego is going to have a decent start to the season this year because the teams they’re playing against are too terrible to take advantage of the Chargers trying to give away the games.

Kyle: Dolphins 17 • Chargers 30

Kevin is spot on here, too, I hate to say it.

• • •

Kevin: New York Jets 13 • Baltimore Ravens 17

Both of these teams will try to do horribly on offense just to make their defensive stats look better.

Kyle: Jets 10 • Ravens 27

• • •

Kevin: Indianapolis Colts 17 • Tampa Bay Buccaneers 24

I think the only time I’ll pick the Colts to win without Peyton Manning behind center this season is coming up next week.

Kyle: Colts 13 • Buccaneers 21

Stupid Kevin taking a shot at the Chiefs a week early.

• • •

So there are the picks for this week! Let’s take a look at where the competition is now:

Last week: Kevin 10-6, Kyle 6-10

Overall: Kevin 22-10, Kyle 16-16

• • •

Be sure to follow Kyle and all of his jokes on Twitter: @kyleayers

Also, be sure to follow our guest picker Kevin on Twitter: @krlt84

And finally, follow Korked Bats and all our sports jokes on Twitter: @korkedbats


Kyle is a comedian writer, actor, and producer. You may have seen his standup on CONAN, or somewhere else if you’re really into standup. He has appeared on Fuse, Comedy Central, VH1, and more, and he has written for CBS, Comedy Central, TBS, contributed to Roasts, as well as Huffington Post, CNN, The New York Times, Wired, and a really cool site called Korked Bats.


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