Monday, April 22, 2024

Korked Bats

That Funny Sports Blog

Jay Cutler vs. The Mystery Chicken Killer Is The Greatest NFL Rivalry of All-Time

The most epic battle of quarantine has arrived. Jay Cutler versus the chicken killer.

After retiring, Cutler has often found himself in the spotlight. His patented cavalier persona was a major hit on E! Network’s Very Cavallari, a television series he appeared in alongside his recently divorced wife, Kristin Cavallari. In 2017, K-Cav decided to start an Instagram account for her then husband called @ifjayhadinstagram. But it wasn’t until late May 2020 when Cutler himself burst on the social media scene.

While Cutty has been posting mostly pictures of nature, he was yet to put up an IG story. That would change on one of the darkest Wednesday mornings humanity has ever seen. 

It was on his story where Cutler spoke with a frustrated and somber tone early Wednesday. A tone Bears fans had grown accustomed to hearing in press gatherings after Cutler grew frustrated playing under the direction of Mike Martz and Marc Trestman, along with numerous other nincompoops not named.

The former NFL signal caller is quite the outdoorsman. He resides on a multi-million dollar farm property on the outskirts of Nashville, where he raises a variety of farm animals. 

Everything had been business as usual on the Cutler farm this summer. That was until the bone-chilling events that occurred in the wee hours of Wednesday, June 26th. It was sometime around 6 AM when the former Vanderbilt standout made his daily journey to check on his chickens.

This routine morning stroll would be unlike any other.

Upon arriving at the henhouse, he made a startling discovery. A couple of hens had gone missing. Using his Vanderbilt intelligence, he quickly came to the conclusion that a murder had been committed on Cutler soil. 

A war had commenced.

The initial suspects were woodland creatures that also live on his property, perhaps a fox or bobcat. However, Cutler surmised that he had overlooked a candidate that had been under his nose all along. His cat, Thelma.

In a post to his Instagram story, Cutler described his cat as “a savage with loose morals” and immediately conducted an internal investigation. It took a few hours before it was revealed that Thelma had been cleared of any wrongdoing, but in such serious circumstances, one cannot rule out any foul play, no matter how close the cat of interest might be to him.

Smokin’ Jay made plans to camp out Wednesday night in his children’s’ tree house to watch over the remainder of his precious flock. However, this plan would later be foiled by Mother Nature as rain poured down to further delay the investigation.

When the sun rose early Thursday morning, the chicken coops where untouched as the rain likely drove away the bloodthirsty killer for the night. It was that morning when Cutler decided to call an audible. He needed to bring in some help. These were uncharted waters for Cutler as his pleas for help with the Bears during the 2009-2016 seasons almost always went unanswered.

He was determined, however, and decided to dial up his trusty chicken man, Blake. Blake not only replenished his hen population, but also brought in two roosters. Ole Blue was deemed the rooster in charge. Ole Blue is a mean bird, but a bird with heart. Comparable to Mike Shanahan dating back to Cutler’s Denver days.

Batman had Robin, Ricky Bobby had Cal Naughton, and Cutler had Greg Olsen (until Ryan Pace traded him). The point is that Ole Blue has a sidekick rooster that goes by the name Merle. They are the Night’s Watch of the Cutler henhouse. قوانين لعبة القمار Any predator craving chicken blood must first go through them.

These roosters are real leaders. They aren’t the type to retire and then immediately take hair growth pills in massive excess, or go whine to the media about not receiving a Happy Retirement call from their quarterback. العب واكسب Looking at you Brian Urlacher.

The field was set. After all of these years Cutler finally had a defense to play in front of. 

The sun had set on Thursday and it was time to go to work. Cutler grabbed two sets of night vision goggles, a couple of cigars and some handguns before calling his neighbor Mike to go on watch alongside him.

Lucky for the chicken killer, it was a peaceful night. The world found out early Friday morning that the henhouse was in order. But the hunt never ends. The chicken killer is still lurking somewhere in the woods nearby the Cutler farm.

The case took an unforeseen turn on Friday night. Cutler had game planned a foolproof plan. He set a bait trap with a pack of store-bought raw chicken in an effort to lure the predator in front of his cameras. His goal was to lay eyes on this killer. سباق الخيل

When Cutler awoke on Saturday morning the pack of chicken was gone. He checked the cameras and there was no video footage of any animal sauntering off with the food.

Could it be Bigfoot? It is impossible to know.

That brings us to tonight. Is tonight the night Cutler gets his revenge? Will Ole Blue and Merle be ready when the sun goes down, or will they wilt in the face of adversity like Brandon Marshall. 

There’s only one way to know for sure. Follow Jay Cutler on Instagram.

This post was written by Jack. Follow him: @JackAGentry

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