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Thursday, March 28, 2024

Korked Bats

That Funny Sports Blog

It’s Holiday Season, But More Importantly, It’s GIFT GUIDE SEASON! Here’s What To Get A Guy

Every website and blog has a gift guide. In fact, it’s a federal law that if you own a blog, you are mandated to produce at least one (1) gift guide in the months of November and/or December.

So really, this is essentially me doing my blogger taxes right now. My due diligence. Because without bloggers’ gift guides, no one would know what to get their friends and family. And with Black Friday coming up, I figured I’d get this done early this year.

But since this is a sports and pop-culture blog, and since I am a man, I figured I’d give advice on what to get a guy for this upcoming holiday season. Hope this helps.

Lawn Mower™ 3.0 by MANSCAPED™

Take a hike, John Deere. Kick rocks, Troy-Bilt. The only lawn mower I’m recommending to my readers is a lawn mower for your pubes. And this 3-generation razor from MANSCAPED, is literally the best razor I’ve ever owned. And I actually do own one.

Let’s be real. Unless you’re an I.G. model, you’re probably pretty hairy in your nether region. I’ll admit, hand raised there. But now that I have a Lawn Mower 3.0, this thing cut through my loin hairs the way Hexxus cut through the rain forest in FernGully.

The thing I love about this razor is how smooth it is. We all know that the skin on your balls is more sensitive than Tennessee Vols fans online, Ryan Fitzpatrick after losing his starting job to Tua, and/or Michael Jordan whenever anyone said they could beat him in anything. And the folks at MANSCAPED™ took that into consideration and developed SkinSafe™ technology which reduces painful nicks and tugs. It also helps make the entire operation a lot faster. What used to take an entire afternoon, now takes like 6 minutes. I timed it.

Now this may seem like it’s some sort of sponsored blog post. Like we have some sort of stake in whether or not MANSCAPED sells some of these Lawn Mower 3.0’s… Lol. And I can see where you might think that, but I assure you, it’s not. Because if it was, we’d say something like how it’s got the quietest and smoothest shave of any razor I’ve ever owned and it has an LED light attached to see in the cavernous region of your loins, it’s water proof so it works in the shower, and you could get 20% OFF **and** FREE SHIPPING if you enter promo code: KORKED or purchase any products through this link. But it’s not, so we won’t mention that.

A Peloton by Peloton

Remember this time last year when the worst thing in the world was a TV commercial that alluded to a wife being gifted a stationary bike and the pressure she probably felt to have to lose weight because her husband was the one who surprised her with it? Man. We were so naive. I would KILL for a dumb TV commercial to be the most controversial thing in our lives right now.

Anyway, I think 2020 has only helped Peloton. Everyone wants one now. We’ve been stuck at home. And with as bad as this year has been, no one holds those TV commercials against them anymore. The only problem is, these things are hella expensive. I’m talking HELLA expensive. So why not just shave your money (pun intended) and use it to buy something else that will help your physical appearance?

Something like the Performance Package by MANSCAPED™. Unlike your man’s actual (and probably really hairy) package, this package will not disappoint. Inside, you’ll find:

  • The Lawn Mower™ 3.0 waterproof trimmer featuring Advanced SkinSafe™ Technology
  • Weed Whacker™ nose and ear hair trimmer 
  • Crop Preserver™ ball deodorant
  • Crop Reviver™ ball toner
  • Magic Mat™ disposable shaving mats

Plus, it all comes in a sick leather tote bag that can double as a toiletry kit.

And again, I know that seems like it’s a sponsored message. But trust me, it’s not. Because if it was I would remind you to use this link or enter promo code KORKED at checkout for 20% OFF and FREE SHIPPING.

The Weed Whacker™ by MANSCAPED™

Oh. Weird. Another MANSCAPED™ product. I promise you, that’s simply by chance. I guess they just make really great products. Their Weed Whacker™ ear and nose trimmer works wonders. The premium MANSCAPED™ Weed Whacker™ uses a 9,000 RPM motor-powered 360-degree rotary dual-blade system to help with this dilemma. But blah, blah, blah, amirite? Who cares about all those numbers and technical terms? The simple point here is it trims nose hair better than any trimmer I’ve ever used before. Don’t believe me? Just check my man Grit.

Look at how hairy that man is on the outside. So you can only assume how hairy he is on the inside. Or at least WAS. Because that Weed Whacker™ cleared his nostrils better than a Kleenex. You heard it yourself. That video sounded like the jaws of life cutting through a steel beam. Do I need any other sales pitch than that Weed Whacker™ somehow cutting through the bristles in Grit’s honker?

Playstation 5 by SONY

Lol, good luck finding one of these before the holiday season. They’re harder to get your hands on than a TurboMan doll.

Chris Parnell (Saturday Night Live, Archer) as “Toy Store Sales Clerk” in  Jingle All the Way : No_Small_Parts

One thing you’ll always be able to find, however, is The Shears™ 2.0. What is this? Well, MANSCAPED doesn’t just make tools for your family jewels, they also make tools for your cuticles and nails. Sorry, that second part didn’t rhyme.

This luxury 4-piece nail kit features tempered stainless steel tools, a magnetic closure with a laser engraved logo (fresh), slant tipped tweezers, rounded point scissors, fingernail clippers, a medium grit (shoutout again, Grit) nail file, and premium PU leather case. Plus you can get it all for much, much cheaper than a PS5 anyway. Especially with 20% OFF and FREE SHIPPING with the promo code KORKED or by using this link to shop.

A Sweater Vest

Lol, jk.

No dude wants a sweater vest. Get him something he’ll actually use. Like a some Crop Mop™ ball wipes from MANSCAPED™.

I know it’s not ideal to talk about ball wipes, but sometimes life calls for honesty, and if we’re being honest, guy’s balls get really smelly. That’s where these guys come in. MANSCAPED™ has developed portable Ball + Butt + Body wet wipes to help your man conquer this issue. These refreshing moist (lol, sorry) ball wipes were specially designed for male hygiene and extra care for your intimate parts. They keep “the boys” clean and refreshed, while soothing Aloe Vera leaves skin smooth and balanced. These individually packaged wipes can be carried in your pocket or wallet. Great for daily use at work, at the gym, camping, while traveling, or anytime a shower is not available. Infused with cooling Aloe Vera, is Vegan and free of dyes so you know your man’s manhood is safe.

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Ok, before I end this blog, I have to come clean about something.

This gift guide actually was brought to you by MANSCAPED™. And look, to continue my honesty, when they sent me some of their products, I was blown away by how well they worked. I’ve known about MANSCAPED™ for a few years now, and this year, I feel like I see them everywhere. I never really thought twice about people claiming how good their products are until I tried them. And then it was like, “Oh, ok. So THIS is what all those ads were talking about.” They really do specialize in this stuff, and it was so much easier trimming the ol’ pube forest with their Lawn Mower™ 3.0. Like SO MUCH EASIER. I wouldn’t be hocking products to our faithful KB audience if I didn’t 100% believe in the product.

Plus, if you just want to support what we at Korked Bats do this holiday season, the best way would be to support the companies who support us. So get 20% OFF and FREE SHIPPING on anything on their site with the promo code KORKED or by using this link to shop. Your balls will thank you.

Thanks to all of you. Have a happy holiday season.

P.S. – Here’s an unboxing video of the Performance Package that MANSCAPED™ sent us.

Austin

Austin hosts a country music morning radio show in Chicago after nearly a decade in sports talk radio (The Jim Rome Show, Steve Gorman SPORTS!) Colin Cowherd and Smash Mouth follow him on Twitter and he wears pants every day.

Austin

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