I find myself laying awake at night. Tossing. Turning. Unable to think clearly. My wife has even taken notice of this current funk I’ve been in. She tries to get through to me but has been unsuccessful. I can’t focus. Hell, I can barely see straight. Why? Because something has been weighing heavily on my mind. I can’t get this one distinct image out of my head. It haunts me. It controls me. It consumes every fiber of my being.
What image you ask?
Michael Jordan, the greatest basketball player of all time, and his stogie, the longest cigar of all time.
Now look, I’m no stranger to cigars. I know they come in all shapes and sizes. But none come in a size that long. That thing was cut down from Redwood Forest.
They say smoking one cigar is the equivalent of smoking 70 cigarettes. This thing has to be the equivalent of smoking 70 Slim Jims. Both in size and health. Look, I’m not one to judge. Everyone has their vices, and apparently, Jordan’s is smoking javelins. All I’m saying is it doesn’t look natural. It’s like he bought spools of fabric from Jo-Ann’s with the sole purpose to smoke the spools they came rolled up on. Even Jordan’s Space Jam co-star Bugs Bunny would see this cigar and think it’s too comically large.
All I’m saying is that Michael Jordan’s cigar shouldn’t enter a room three minutes before he does. That’s not normal. Also, think about this. Michael Jordan is a massive human. He’s 6 feet, 6 inches. And that cigar still looks long. So imagine how big it would be for any normal-sized human. It’d be like trying to smoke the Alaskan pipeline.
I mean, that cigar is a real-life restraining order. Just look at this cameraman.
He wants a closeup of Jordan, but he can’t get within 15 feet of him because of that stogie. Fellas, maybe think about getting one of these for that crazy ex-girlfriend of yours.
My question is: did Jordan use that thing to help the United Center staff raise any of his six banners into the rafters? Because he sure as hell could’ve.
Most guys like to smoke Cubans. Jordan prefers telephone poles.
I know the Internet moves fast, and we’re already starting to get The Last Dance fatigue. So am I. But I just can’t stop thinking about this. It was one of the final shots of Episode 10, but it will live with me forever. Anytime I drive by a factory or plant with a 30-story smokestack, I’ll think of Air Jordan.
Also, if you think about it. That photo is of him in mid-smoke. How long was this thing to start? Did someone like LaBradford Smith once tell Jordan he couldn’t smoke cigars so then he went out and found (and/or made) the world’s biggest cigar just to prove them wrong? I don’t know. All I know is the Chicago Bulls probably won’t win another championship until he’s done with that thing.