It’s Been 5 Days And I Can’t Stop Thinking About How Long Michael Jordan’s Cigar Is

I find myself laying awake at night. Tossing. Turning. Unable to think clearly. My wife has even taken notice of this current funk I’ve been in. She tries to get through to me but has been unsuccessful. I can’t focus. Hell, I can barely see straight. Why? Because something has been weighing heavily on my mind. I can’t get this one distinct image out of my head. It haunts me. It controls me. It consumes every fiber of my being.

What image you ask?


Michael Jordan, the greatest basketball player of all time, and his stogie, the longest cigar of all time.

Now look, I’m no stranger to cigars. I know they come in all shapes and sizes. But none come in a size that long. That thing was cut down from Redwood Forest.

They say smoking one cigar is the equivalent of smoking 70 cigarettes. This thing has to be the equivalent of smoking 70 Slim Jims. Both in size and health. Look, I’m not one to judge. Everyone has their vices, and apparently, Jordan’s is smoking javelins. All I’m saying is it doesn’t look natural. It’s like he bought spools of fabric from Jo-Ann’s with the sole purpose to smoke the spools they came rolled up on. Even Jordan’s Space Jam co-star Bugs Bunny would see this cigar and think it’s too comically large.

All I’m saying is that Michael Jordan’s cigar shouldn’t enter a room three minutes before he does. That’s not normal. Also, think about this. Michael Jordan is a massive human. He’s 6 feet, 6 inches. And that cigar still looks long. So imagine how big it would be for any normal-sized human. It’d be like trying to smoke the Alaskan pipeline.

I mean, that cigar is a real-life restraining order. Just look at this cameraman.

He wants a closeup of Jordan, but he can’t get within 15 feet of him because of that stogie. Fellas, maybe think about getting one of these for that crazy ex-girlfriend of yours.

My question is: did Jordan use that thing to help the United Center staff raise any of his six banners into the rafters? Because he sure as hell could’ve.

Most guys like to smoke Cubans. Jordan prefers telephone poles.

I know the Internet moves fast, and we’re already starting to get The Last Dance fatigue. So am I. But I just can’t stop thinking about this. It was one of the final shots of Episode 10, but it will live with me forever. Anytime I drive by a factory or plant with a 30-story smokestack, I’ll think of Air Jordan.

Also, if you think about it. That photo is of him in mid-smoke. How long was this thing to start? Did someone like LaBradford Smith once tell Jordan he couldn’t smoke cigars so then he went out and found (and/or made) the world’s biggest cigar just to prove them wrong? I don’t know. All I know is the Chicago Bulls probably won’t win another championship until he’s done with that thing.


Austin hosts a country music morning radio show in Chicago after nearly a decade in sports talk radio (The Jim Rome Show, Steve Gorman SPORTS!) Colin Cowherd and Smash Mouth follow him on Twitter and he wears pants every day.


2 thoughts on “It’s Been 5 Days And I Can’t Stop Thinking About How Long Michael Jordan’s Cigar Is

  • Avatar
    May 19, 2023 at 5:53 am

    “They say smoking one cigar is equivalent to smoking 70 cigarettes.” Care to share who “they” is and where you got that from? You’re article fails to ever take off because it’s built on a foundation of total ignorance. It’s hard to enjoy the humor you are trying to put out when it’s immediately evident you have no clue what you’re talking about. Maybe spend 15 minutes to do some research about cigars before writing a mastabatory article about them.

  • Avatar
    August 1, 2023 at 10:06 pm

    It’s me. I’m the “they” that says one cigar is equal to 70 cigarettes. I like to make up stats and pretend to be somebody on the Internet. And I’m sorry you don’t find the article funny. The rest of us do. And by “us” I mean me.


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