Intro To Collegiate Trash Talking 101

Welcome class. Please, have a seat. Grab your pen and paper and begin to take notes.

“You’re team isn’t better than my team.”

“Well, at least we have higher GPAs.”

“You’re mother is a slore!”

All of these statements above are failed attempts at trash talking. Trash talking, or also known as talking smack, speakin’ that noise, and spittin’ fightin’ words, is one of the oldest forms of communication known to man. Seriously. Let’s take a deeper look into the history of trash talking.

In the Bible, you may recall a story about a man named David and Goliath. Sure everyone knows that David defeated Goliath against all odds. Goliath was a ten-foot-giant who outweighed David by the same amount Louie Anderson outweighs Calista Flockhart. People think there was no way David should have ever won. Well, it turns out, David begged to differ. He was talking so much trash to Goliath that it worried Goliath to the point where he eventually lost by getting knocked out by a couple of stone throws. Weak sauce.

Heck, it even dates back further than that. Let’s hit up Adam and Eve. You know, the planet’s first people. Eve takes a bite of the fruit from the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil. What is the first thing Adam does before taking a bite also? Trash talk.

How about Abraham Lincoln? He goes to see an entertaining little show at the theater. Then out of no where, who walks in? BAM! None other than Johnny Wilkes Booth! What does he do? BAM! Shoots Ole Linc-dawg right in the back of the head. What does John Wilkes Booth do right before he runs away? He stands over Lincoln and gives him the ole D-Generation X Suck It!

Ever hear of a guy named Martin Luther King Jr.? Well, he had a dream. And that dream was that black people and white people could trash talk equally. Unfortunately for Mr. King Jr., he trashed talked a little bit too much and was shot.

Same thing with JFK. Before getting in that convertible for that parade in Dallas, he gave a speech about how much the Cowboys sucked. BAM! Shot.

What about Helen Keller? Well… She didn’t really do a whole lot of trash talking. Heck, she didn’t really do a lot of talking in general. But I can assure you one thing, those around her probably trashed talked her like CRAZY! “What’s that Helen? You can’t hear me? Allow me to speak up. Wait… You can’t see me either? Well, why didn’t you just say so? What? You can’t TALK either?! Boom! Roasted!”

Anyway, I believe I’ve made my point. Trash talking has been around since the beginning of time. Seriously, you think Geico came up with the slogan, “…So easy a caveman can do it?” No! That used to be the go-to-line in the early ages of civilization.

However, I’ve noticed recently that trash talking has taken a decline over recent years. Maybe it’s been the invention of Facebook and Twitter that has destroyed this old past time. I sure as heck know that I can’t get out a good smack down in 140 characters or less. It needs to be done in person. Face to face. Or at very least FaceTime to FaceTime.

Seriously, with this heavy decline of trash talking, it has gotten to the point where it seems as though no one knows how to properly talk noise anymore. I mean come on, people! College football has grown to one of our country’s most popular sports. What fun is it going to be without a little, “Tell you’re team to get off their knees because they really blow!” or even “I’m not sure what sucks worse, Lou Holtz’s ability to say the letter ‘S’ or your team’s ability to score?”

Lately, the only trash talking I’ve seen has been through hashtags in social media.

Example: #EaglesSuck

That’s more messed up than Billy Gilman’s teeth. Come on! Let’s get this going back up again! We here at Korked Bats want to properly teach you how to trash talk. We want rivalries to be rivalries again. We want people to yell and scream at opposing teams! Not tweet and retweet at opposing teams! We want fellow fans to stand behind trash talking. Not just to click the “Like” button on a status.

I’m not sure if you all remember a southern gentleman who went by the name of JT Bowtie or not, but Mr. Bowtie (who yes, wore a bow tie in each of his YouTube videos) really knew how to talk trash. The kid was a complete d-bag, but he really knew how to talk smack. He would say lines like, “We’re going to go into your place this weekend and take your women like we take your pride.” And he would bust out lines like, “…Because we’re better looking than you.” Needless to say, he created quite the stir in the Southeastern Conference last year. Why? Because he knew how to properly trash talk.

So allow us now to provide you with the proper study guide to say in no matter what situation this season in college football. Win or lose, with this guide, you’ll always have something to say. So study up, college football fans, because this WILL be on the final.

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Austin hosts a country music morning radio show in Chicago after nearly a decade in sports talk radio (The Jim Rome Show, Steve Gorman SPORTS!) Colin Cowherd and Smash Mouth follow him on Twitter and he wears pants every day.


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