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Monday, April 22, 2024

Korked Bats

That Funny Sports Blog

In The Biggest ‘Weird Flex, But Ok?’ of All-Time, Jason Whitlock Brags About Going Through $8 of Toilet Paper Per Day

Hey Jason, mind if I pull you aside real quick? Bragging about steamrolling through $8 of toilet paper a day isn’t exactly the flex that I believe you think it is. Even in the height of the pandemic’s ‘toilet paper is our new cryptocurrency’ era, bragging about your TP usage just isn’t all you apparently imagine. However, I’m willing to bet it’s his sentence before the TP brag that gives us all the intel we need as to why this man is rummaging through toilet paper like a cat who snuck into the bathroom. A Big Mac and fries. The only question is how many?

Jason Whitlock was trying to defend paying the cost of Twitter Blue (shocker), because after the Great Blue Checkmark Purge of 2023, J-Dub’s account was still proudly verified and, like LeBron, he was called out for it. However, that social media merit badge very quickly turned into a skidmark. Side note: if you want to pay for Twitter Blue, by all means, go for it. Hell, Korked Bats’ main account has had Twitter Blue since Jack Dorsey was still captaining the ship, solely because it allows us to post longer videos to the platform – which, for what we do, is important. But we’re not going to hype or rip the cost of Twitter Blue (I mean, it was better when it was $2.99 a month, but whatevs), and we’re certainly not going to reveal the number of times we wipe our ass in a day.

Not to get too deep into the NextGen Stats powered by AW-ass, but this means Whitlock is going through SIX (6!) mega-rolls, which equates to 24 regular rolls EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.

Jason, in your defense of the blue checkmark receipt, you don’t exactly need to go touting that you spend that same cost in toilet paper PER DAY. I’m no Jason Whitlock fan, by any means, but I have to admit, I’m starting to get worried about him. There has to be something going on gastrically for the big guy. You need to see someone about that, boss? You feeling ok? Is it a hemmoroid problem? That last question is rhetorical, of course. I don’t really want to know about any inflammation in Jason Whitlock’s anus.

BONUS CONTENT! Here’s a quick power ranking of toilet paper brands:

5. ScottI call this the high school toilet paper, because it’s cheap, it has all the sensitivity of sandpaper, and it’s stocked in what seems like every high school in America. The only reason this brand was ranked 5th is because I can’t think of a sixth toilet paper brand.

4. Quilted Northern*Shaq voice* I’ll admit, I’m not really familiar with your game.

3. Angel Soft – affordable and comfortable enough.

2. Cottonelle Puppies in your commercials certainly help. Plus, you can’t be more coarse than the others.

1. Charminmaybe because it’s the softest TP out there or maybe it’s the bear saranating me about his heiny being clean

Austin

Austin hosts a country music morning radio show in Chicago after nearly a decade in sports talk radio (The Jim Rome Show, Steve Gorman SPORTS!) Colin Cowherd and Smash Mouth follow him on Twitter and he wears pants every day.

Austin