Saturday, June 22, 2024

Korked Bats

That Funny Sports Blog

In Honor of Russell Wilson Doing High Knees, Here Are The Top 5 Worst Things You Can Do On A Flight

Man, Russell. It’s bad enough you’ve proven yourself to be cringey internet video guy, cringey television commercial guy, and cringey jumbotron hypeman guy. But no need to further down this path and reveal you’re cringey traveler guy. Doing high knees on an airplane for FOUR HOURS?! What the hell, dude? Just please, we’re begging you, do something that we think is cool. Anything! The bar is set so low right now. You could’ve admitted to sleeping on the entire 8-hour flight and it would’ve been better for your public image. Anything but doing P90-X at 36,000 feet. So in honor of Russ’s airborne workout, I figured I’d drop the power rankings of worst 5 things you can do on a flight.

5. Talk to me

The absolute last thing I want to do on a flight is make small talk with someone I’m never going to see ever again. I’d rather be roughed up, bloodied, and dragged off a flight by a United flight attendant than have you ask me what I do for a living. It’s wasted breath. Wasted energy. And when I’m traveling, my energy is always at its lowest. I wish instead of a fasten seatbelt light, there was a fasten lips light. The only thing I think could make this worse than Russell Wilson doing high knees up and down the aisle is if it was Russell Wilson trying to initiate the conversation. Could you even imagine? You’re trying to get a little shut-eye or maybe watch Fast 9 when all of a sudden the guy next to you, who is oddly wearing a full Broncos uniform with pads, taps you on the shoulder and asks, “Hey, you ever do anything dangerous?”

4. Fire me

What’s up, Lane Kiffin?

3. High knees in the aisle

Look, I know. This may seem low in the power rankings of the most annoying things people can do on a flight. Because whether you were trying to catch a nap, maybe eat your pretzels, and/or watch a bad movie that will be infinitely better because you’re on a flight, someone doing calesthetics down the aisle would be distracting and annoying as hell. I get that. But I’d much rather put up with someone getting some cardio in as soon as the fasten seat belt sign turns off, then deal with the next two things on this list.

However, that doesn’t make doing high knees on a flight ok. Hell, even terrorists hijacking planes are courteous enough to not do high knees before storming the cockpit. To me, it’s very look-at-me-Louie. Like we get it dude, you’re trying to heal up before your London game and don’t want to waste any time. But on a flight when everyone’s already tired and stressed from traveling?

Plus, those overseas flights usually offer free movies. And good ones at that. For my one and only trip to London (for the Titans-Chargers game at Wembley – the ending sucked), I knocked out two movies on the flight: Truth or Dare (the ending also sucked) and Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom (the whole thing sucked). Russ, watch a movie. Let it humanize you a little bit. I’m not asking. I’m begging. Please. Not for you, but for the rest of us.

2. Take their shoes off

I’ve never understood this one. It’s a plane, not a Payless. What the hell are you doing taking your shoes off? Even if you’re in flip-flops. You’re not at the beach yet. This isn’t your home. No one wants to see your fungus-filled toes and bunions. And we certainly don’t want to see them propped up on the seat in front of you. And I’m not even coming at this from a germs standpoint – even though I very well could. I just think it’s inconsiderate and gross for you to go all Johnny Appleseed on an airplane. I mean damn. Even Sasquatch would wear shoes on a plane.

1. Standing up as soon as a flight lands

I know this has kind of become the cliché to thing to complain about on flights, but that’s only because this is, without question, the most annoying thing anyone can do on a flight. And so many people still do it. I just flew on Sunday, and almost as soon as wheels hit tarmac, people were standing up grabbing their luggage out of the overhead compartment. Why?! Where the hell do you think you’re going? We’re in a cylinder tube. And we’re not even to the gate yet. And on top of all of that, we’re in a freaking single-file line. You’re not going to be able to Dr. Strange yourself to the gate, so sit your ass back down. Not that I love sitting next to you, because I don’t, but I certainly like it more than being eye level with your crotch. And the worst people are the ones who stand up and aren’t even in an aisle seat. They have to do that awkward head tilt to keep from scraping their scalp on the flight attendant pager button. No way that’s good for your neck, so just sit back down. Honestly – and I’m not sure who needs to hear this – but you don’t even need to stand up until the row two rows ahead of you (or maybe even the row directly ahead of you) stands up to get their bags. The same people who stand as soon as a flight lands are probably the same people who love doing the wave at sporting events. Or so you’d think, but if that were the case, you’d think they’d understand the simple philosophy of not standing until the people in the row ahead of you are standing. In my opinion, standing up on a flight before it reaches the gate might be the worst thing you can do as a human. Next to genocide, of course.

We don’t do honorable mentions, because there is no honor in a mention… BUT if we did: eating a smelly kind of food on a flight would be it. Anywhere from tuna to most any food item that’s heated up, to – I love fast food, but… – most warm fast food items. The smell is just too much to bear for a glorified grownup playground tunnel with seats.


Austin hosts a country music morning radio show in Chicago after nearly a decade in sports talk radio (The Jim Rome Show, Steve Gorman SPORTS!) Colin Cowherd and Smash Mouth follow him on Twitter and he wears pants every day.