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In Case of Emergency

Ladies (and men who are ‘too busy’ or ‘too hipster’ to care about sports),

Last night, I was tested on my sports knowledge. Guess what. I failed. I decided that I needed to look up a few stats to help me through the next two days of the work week. I don’t want to see you fail also. Unless of course we’re both trying to woo over the same guy. Then I will do whatever it takes to make you fall flat on your face. Literally. But if we’re not going after the same guy, here are a few starter ideas for some of the water cooler chit chat.  Stick to the script and you should find the following conversation starters useful:

  • Hey, did you see the Lakers lose again? 2 in a row? Mavs (short for Mavericks) up by 2 games, huh?  Crazy right?  Remember when the Mavericks sucked in the early and mid 90’s? What do you think got the Mavs back on track? Consistent defense or the scoring abilities of Dirk Nowitzki? (Make sure to use the nickname, the Mavs, at least once. Be careful not to overuse the nickname or people will see right through you.)
  • The NFL is locked out. But don’t worry, the lockout will probably be over before the week is over. But then worry again because the lockout will probably be back on again before that same week is over.
  • Who would have thought the Bulls would make it back into the playoffs right?  So glad they were able to pull it together to even up the series.  Derrick Rose might be onto something with this whole MVP thing and Joakim Noah has a really unique face.

(This is Joakim Noah.  He is a good basketball player for the Bulls.)

This is Carrot Top.  Actor and or Comedian and or Street Performer.

He probably does drugs and should not be mistaken for Joakim Noah.

  • Did you know that Derek Jeter hurt his hip last night playing the Detroit Tigers (Details will impress people). It was his right hip.  Derek Jeter is also 36 and probably hurt his hip helping children in a foreign country or rebuilding houses in a worn down part of New York.  We should give him and his beautifully smooth tan skin a break already.
  • How ’bout that NFL, huh? Still locked out. I think. Who knows?

Finally, last and most certainly least: the NHL.

  • Oh how was your night? Yeah, mine would have been better if the Detroit Red Wings would have given Michigan something to talk about other than Eminem and how many miles he had to walk to fame and fortune and rap music. And those crazy Tampa Bay Lightening are going to have a nice vacation until the Eastern Conference Finals, after sweeping the Washington Capitals (If you use the phrase sweep just know that that means more than a household chore that just never seems to get done).

Please print out these topics of discussion, because it is important to not go off script in situations that happen around the water cooler.  Enjoy knocking the socks off of people.  You’re welcome.

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