If Rob McElhenney & Ryan Reynolds Buying Wrexham Soccer Team Was An Episode Of ‘Always Sunny’…
As I sit here to write this, it is in fact NOT sunny in Philadelphia — but that hasn’t rained on Mac’s parade, as he and an unsuspecting business partner have just gone in on the investment of a lifetime.
*Cue intro music*
This took me by surprise as well. Soccer is not too big in America, and definitely not in Philadelphia. We bleed green for our Birds and that’s really all that matters at the end of the day. So, you might ask, “why would Mac buy a European soccer club?” Mac hasn’t even been to Wales, and probably couldn’t even point it out to us on a map — we all know Charlie definitely can’t.
Also, not just why, but how?
Maybe the idea stemmed from the business partner I briefly mentioned before. I suppose you’re wondering who that might be…
For those of you who are unfamiliar with him, Van Wilder, is a trust fund baby who took eight years to graduate from Coolidge College, where all he did was drink, sleep with women, befriend the guy from Harold and Kumar, and send Tara Reid into a Britney Spears-like mental breakdown. I did as much digging as I could at the library (not sure why there would be any information on Van Wilder and his interests at the library), but couldn’t find any connection to soccer or Wales.
My mind was racing as I walked back to my house. Thinking about all of the possibilities as to why they bought this random team had me in a daze and I wasn’t paying attention to my surroundings or where I was going. It wasn’t until I noticed that I was lost that I also began to feel like I was being followed. I picked up my pace, but the quicker I moved the louder the footsteps behind me got. Stricken with fear, adrenaline kicked in, so I stopped, turned, and braced for impact.
I should have known it was him. Turns out Dennis was losing his mind over the reasoning behind this purchase, just as I was. After insisting on us returning to his apartment to talk so we can “be behind a locked door,” Dennis shared his findings with me.
While he wasn’t able to discover why they chose the Welsh soccer club, he did uncover the truth about the Van Wilder partnership. I don’t know why I thought I was going to be shocked, but it was pretty straight forward as anyone would expect–Mac wanted to find a younger guy that reminded him of Dennis, in order to make Dennis jealous (so he can ultimately achieve his goal of banging him).
After an hour of listening to Dennis scream about how much better looking he is than Van Wilder, I was able to convince him to unlock the door and let me go by agreeing with him that he had a better body, and that his jaw had to have been chiseled by the Gods themselves. While I’m happy for Mac that he achieved his goal of making Dennis jealous, that still doesn’t get me the answer to the question that started this whole thing–why soccer, and more importantly why Wrexham?
Just then it clicked.
Wrexham. The answer was right in front of us the whole time — in the name! This investment is clearly the doing of the person who should’ve been the prime suspect from the beginning.
Surprisingly enough, it wasn’t hard to find Frank. I ran into him at Wendy’s during my lunch break. He and Artemis were coming out of the bathroom in a hurry, covered in sweat, when I stopped him to ask about The Gang’s recent acquisition. He immediately spilled the beans, going into great detail about how he went back into the ocean to find the rum ham that floated away while he and Mac were on the life raft in the middle of the Atlantic.
He went on to say that he passed out from exhaustion while swimming and washed up on shore in Wales. He was a bit disoriented when he came-to and wandered into the town of Wrexham. Frank didn’t know this at the time, instead he thought he was following signs towards the rum ham. Eventually his path lead him to the soccer stadium, where the team welcomed him with open arms, giving him a place to stay and rest up.
When he awoke the next day, he realized he was not in the house of rum ham, but greatly appreciated Wrexham’s hospitality. So, in return for their kindness, Frank made the owner of the club an offer he couldn’t refuse (10% stake in Wolf Cola and Fight Milk), and purchased the team. It also turns out that Mac really had nothing to do with the team, Frank just bought it in his name to cover his own ass if anything goes wrong. The Van Wilder beef cake was just there to distract him.
While Wales would not rename the team and town to “Rum Ham,” they did compromise and turn rum ham into their national dish.
P.S. The video Mac and Van made to announce their purchase is pretty great.
