If I Was A Cardinals Fan, I’d Be Pissed
I feel like I should address up front that I am, by no means, a Cardinals fan. I’m sorry. I just don’t own any jorts. But if I was a Cardinals fan, I’d be pissed. Cardinals fans should forget the red birds. You should have red asses right now. Whenever you look at that finely dressed John Mozeliak, you should feel like Jesse Pinkman.
Aside from Kyle Gibson (the greatest pitcher in baseball history) and Sonny Gray, this team has not improved this offseason. Not only has Mo has missed on nearly every trade he’s made over the last decade (shout out, Randy Arozorena!), he’s also missed on every signing this offseason, but I can all but assure you he’s yet to miss an online sale at BrooksBrothers.com.
And this latest signing might as well be a slap to every Cardinals fan’s face.
Matt Carpenter –who last season’s best team in baseball Atlanta Braves said wasn’t good enough to be on their roster for more than a few days– is back with the birds on the bat. The hell?! Why?! Guess that .322 OBP was just too hard to pass up for Mo. I know from experience that the summers under the arch can get hot. I assume Carp fanning at pitches we’ll help cool things down. Then the Cardinals can save on in-stadium A/C, and if there’s one thing we know the Cardinals like to be, it’s save their stacks and stacks of cash. Just because birds say cheap, doesn’t mean you have to claim it too.
Personally, I thought the Cardinals were only supposed to parade old Cardinal greats on Opening Day, but now they’re doing it for 81 home games every year. Two years ago with Yadi and Pujols. Last year with Waino. And now this year with Carp and *checks notes* Lance Lynn?! Excuse me while I dry heave real quick. What’s on deck for next year, Mo? Gonna wait for Kolten Wong’s batting average to dip another .100 points before bringing him home? Maybe try kicking the tires on Lance Berkman again. Can’t wait to see The Rally Squirrel playing left and batting sixth next year.
The Cardinals front office is full of rednecks. That’s not a derogatory knock on social class, either. They have red necks because they’re perpetually creased from constantly looking back at the past. Remember 2011? David Freese! Remember? Do you remember? That old lady from Titanic remembers passionate in-car lovemaking from 84 years ago more vividly than we can remember when this franchise was a force in Major League Baseball. And if you’re a Cardinals fan getting offended by these words, you’re part of the problem. You’re getting mad at the wrong person. Don’t hate the blogger, hate the bowtie. He’s the one who rolls out the same product every year and expects 2011 results. And Mr. DeWitt lets him. Why? Because you keep buying tickets. And merch. And jorts.
The Cardinals may not have made the playoffs, but at least they made bank. How do I know? Cardinals president Bill Dewitt III isn’t really coy about where their priorities lie.
The fact that he is bragging about ticket sales in the offseason following their worst season since Todd Zeile was on the roster should tell you all you need to know. If this organization truly was all about winning, the way they used to be, they’d show it in every facet that they do business and they would not be pleased, with anything, until another Commissioners Trophy (or ‘piece of metal’ as the actual commissioner calls it) is hoisted in the 314. It’s just wild to me that on a week when the Cowboys brought back Mike McCarthy after a third straight disappointing year, the Cardinals one-upped them by bringing back Mo for another disappointing offseason. But hey, at least Mike McCarthy’s teams still make the playoffs.
