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Wednesday, February 12, 2025

Korked Bats

That Funny Sports Blog

“I Guess I Won’t Do This Again,” Woman Calmly Says While Getting Eaten By A Gator

Earlier this week TMZ reported a South Carolina woman was killed by an alligator. May she RIP in peace. While this may not be too surprising within the confines of the great state of Florida, this story was anything but usual for the rest of the continental 48. I know death is a tough topic to broach, but I couldn’t help but think about what happened that day…

It started out as a normal day for Cynthia Kovert, a manicurist from South Carolina. She, like many of us, was struggling to find a sense of normalcy during these trying times. Cynthia set out to provide at-home manicure services for her clients. While performing the manicure, Cynthia noticed an alligator close to her client’s house. Against the client’s best wishes, Cynthia went to examine the gator with zoo-like closeness, but without a zoo-mandated 6-inch plexiglass separating her. I can only imagine, as a manicurist, this is all she saw:

This is nightmare juice for any manicurist. Has this gator ever HEARD of a nail clipper? I’m not even sure if a guillotine would be able to cut those bad boys. It looks like quarantine has lasted longer than 2 months for this gator.

Shortly after Cynthia attempted to “touch” the gator, she was grabbed by the leg and the gator started to drag her into the water.

After spying the alligator she went down to have a closer look, despite the woman and her husband warning her against it.

The couple even told her that an alligator had “grabbed a deer” from that exact same spot just days earlier; but she replied “I don’t look like a deer,” before proceeding to try and touch the gator.

That’s when the predator clamped its jaws around her leg and began dragging her into the water.

As the woman’s client scrambled to save her life, the gator had successfully pulled her into the water. Then Cynthia gives us one of the more unique ways to ever go out.

The victim meanwhile did not scream.

“Covert was about waist deep in the water and she stated in a very calm voice ‘I guess I won’t do this again’ as they tried to pull her from the water,” the Sheriff’s report states.

Calmly saying “I guess I won’t do this again” while she’s getting mauled by a gator?!

A witness captured a photo of Cynthia before her untimely demise.

Every story deserves a happy ending, and, reminiscent of Chubbs from Happy Gilmore, authorities got the gator. The target had been neutralized. Justice had been served.

I like to imagine this is how the authorities handled the alligator in question.

RIP in peace Cynthia, I will cut my nails and trim back my cuticles in your memory tonight.

A.D.

A.D. is a Steelers season ticket holder and remembers when Wiz Khalifa was good. He hails from Pitt(sburgh), and has swam in the Pacific and Atlantic Oceans.

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