This might be news to you, but we’re living in unprecedented times. Everything is out of whack. Things are weird. And frankly, it’s uncomfortable.
But that does not give ESPN the right to make things weirder.
For years people (read: my wife) have wondered what would happen to ESPN if sports ceased to exist. Unfortunately, we’re currently getting our answer, and unfortunately again, it’s worse than we thought.
Somewhere Salvador Dali is rolling in his grave.
I have so many damn questions.
This obviously led the Internet to blow up. And while the mushroom cloud was forming, ESPN squeaked this little ditty by without thinking anyone would notice.
But we noticed, ESPN. We noticed.
Do you know how many channels something like this has to go through before it got posted on the social media accounts of a company as big as ESP? And each one of those channels took a look at this and said, “Yup, that’s a thing that we should post!” ESPN: Everyone’s Smokin’ Peyote Network. After Brady’s announcement, there was a plethora of amazing content shared on Twitter. Not just on @korkedbats, but obviously all over the Internet as well, which we shared earlier today.
Why are his eyes glowing? I realize Tom Brady has demonic abilities, but why are you going to give him glowing eyes like he’s Storm from X-Men. Is this guy looking for a new NFL team or Sigourney Weaver’s baby in Ghostbusters II?
Why is he wearing his Patriots jersey? The dude literally just announced he’s NOT returning to the Patriots. Doesn’t he have some sort of Under Armor shirt to throw on? Then again, what am I talking about? This isn’t even a real picture of him. The artist could’ve drawn him wearing ANYTHING. Even girlfriends who break up with their boyfriends don’t immediately put on his sweatshirt after. Hell, put him in one of those generic numbered jerseys you see athletes wear in deodorant commercials.
Also, did we really have to see this dude’s feet. This might be the only time I’ve ever wanted to see UGGs on a man’s feet before.
Another question.. did who ever design this have coronavirus? Because I can’t think of any other reason why this would be the first thing to post. This was posted only 3 hours after Tom Brady’s original tweet. Meaning they either drew this up and got it approved really fast (which is bad) or they’ve been sitting on this graphic for a while (which is worse).
Plus, on top of everything that’s wrong with the graphic, the caption might even be worse. One of the laziest and lamest takes in all of sports talk radio is: “Time will tell.” It’s a cop out answer. No, sports talk radio talking head, it’s YOUR job to tell. Not time. Have an opinion. And this caption paired with this graphic is coming from the Worldwide Leader?! You couldn’t even put together one of those fun GIFs with rotating jerseys for us to click on to see what team he lands on? Instead you give us this illegitimate child of Archer and the Twilight Zone. Then again, Brady knows a thing or two about illegitimate children. Just do me a favor, ESPN. Next time a potential free agent makes a major announcement, maybe wait a bit to throw that person into the Sunken Place.