How Old Is Nick Mullens Really? A Very Loose Conspiracy Theory

With the San Francisco 49ers losing quarterback Jimmy Garoppolo for a few weeks to a high ankle sprain, the team was forced to go with the undrafted fourth-year QB Nick Mullens (and subsequently C.J. Beathard when Mullens couldn’t do the job against the freaking Eagles).

That’s the nature of the NFL in most years, especially in 2020, with injuries plaguing every team in the league. For the Niners, Beathard is more experienced and probably an inkling better than Mullens, but I’ll go as far as saying that the latter should raise questions about even being rostered. Why? Because Nick Mullens is only a teenager.

“Evidence”

Like most conspiracy theories, the hard evidence is surely lacking, but have you seen Mullens? Have you really examined him physically? He seems to be missing any sort of gene that allows him to grow facial hair, and when he got benched on Sunday, he pouted like a pubescent boy who got caught playing ding dong ditch. Also worth mentioning is his inability to throw the ball downfield, as well as his haircut that looks like it was done by his mom.

Mullens’ Wikipedia page says he is 27-years-old, but we all know from high school composition and research classes that Wikipedia is bullshit and that it’s a never-ending web of lies and deceit. Without his birth certificate, how can we be sure he’s as old as Wikipedia says he is?

Now, we know Mullens played his college ball at Southern Miss, and his well-documented time there would presumably lend purchase to debunking this theory. But in looking at the laws that govern college athletics, there is no rule that states an age limit. There isn’t even a rule that prevents non-athletes from attending college early, as evidenced by films such as Little Man Tate. For all we know, he could have been 11 when he was breaking Brett Favre’s records.

Your Move, Mullens

I am a person who craves the facts, so I encourage Mullens to come forward with the truth. It doesn’t even have to be him. Somebody, anybody, offer some real evidence and prove to America that he is as old as Wikipedia says he is. Mullens may be talented enough as a teenager to forge a successful career as an NFL backup, which would be highly impressive at his suspected age. However, if no evidence is provided with regard to his age, we may just have to see if he’s still slinging the ball around in 2040.