“How are [agents] better than a pimp?” Asks Man That Makes $4 Million More A Year Than The People He Manages

July 26, 2010 Jared

Sometimes, people just can’t help themselves. And when I say “sometimes people just can’t help themselves,” I really mean “Most of the time, blowhards have to make sure everyone knows how they feel about issues because YOU CARE WHAT I HAVE TO SAY, OK?!”

You’ve probably heard or read what Nick Saban (starring in this post, in a role he’s quite familiar with, as the blowhard) had to say about football agents at SEC media day last Wednesday. See, Nick fancies himself a bit of a savant for saying stupid things.

You will, for example, remember the time when, as head coach of the Miami Dolphins, Saban said, “When I was in college it was always about coming to the pros. This is the challenge I wanted. I had a good college job. Why would I have left that if I was going to be interested in other college jobs?” and later added “I’m not going to be the Alabama coach” before he, you know, left Miami to be the Alabama coach.

Well, Saban was in such classic, quotable form on Wednesday that I’ve decided to give the press conference it’s own Landis treatment. Before I delve in, here’s a quick vamp on what was up Nicky’s britches: an NFL agent is alleged to have hosted a party in Miami for several football players that he hopes to sign, or something like that. This is against the rules because agents aren’t allowed to contact college players because, you know, they’re pure student athletes that don’t need to be exposed to the big scary real world too early. Four different SEC schools have had their athletes linked to the party, including a few of Saban’s pwecious nationawl champiouns. These transgressions so incensed our hero that he just couldn’t help but weigh in on those immoral, rule-breaking, stupid agent faces. Let the hypocritical, idiosyncratic quotefest begin!

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“I have no respect for people who do that to young people. None. How would you feel if they did it to your child?”

Yeah, I’m looking at you dear reader. How would you like it if an agent gave your son a lot of free stuff and flew them down to a party that was probably just as wild as what they experienced over at the Delta Delta Delta house last Saturday night? HOW WOULD YOU LIKE THAT, HUH?! Hey, Nick, I have a question for you. How would you like it if your 16-year old son was being heavily recruited (re: hounded) by a grumpy, terrifying 58-year old man that has an affinity for ugly vests and straw hats? HOW WOULD YOU FEEL IF THEY DID IT TO YOUR CHILD?!?

“I don’t think the system as it is right now is very good.”

Wait, so you’re saying the NCAA actually has a system? Wow, Nick. That’s the nicest thing anyone has said about them in some time.

“That’s the only way we’re going to stop this happening, because it’s ridiculous and it’s entrapment for young people at a very difficult time in their life.”

entrapment (verb): In criminal law, entrapment is when a law enforcement agent induces a person to commit an offense which the person would otherwise have been unlikely to commit.
You know what, Nick, you’re right. Those football players are being entrapped and stuff. If those villainous agents hadn’t lured those innocent young men to that party, they probably wouldn’t have accepted any free stuff or partied that weekend. Hoodwinked, I tell you! After all, we know that college athletes are never given any free stuff by colleges. And I’m sure that, if that hypothetical, impossible situation were to arise, you would be completely unaware anyway.

“I don’t think it’s anything but greed that’s creating it right now on behalf of the agents.”

Yeah, and I don’t know if that agents thinking that entrapping are legal, legal not it is though!

“The agents that do this — and I hate to say this, but how are they any better than a pimp?”

Look, I hate to say this, but you are a friggin’ jerkface! What, I said “I hate to say this” first! You can’t be mad at me for what I say after that, duh! Rules are rules. Anyway back to your original question, Nick. How are they better than a pimp? Well, first, what they do is legal. So there’s that. Also, and this is key, pimps SELL WOMEN INTO PAID-FOR SEX. Call me old-fashioned, but I think there’s a pretty big difference between leveraging clients to make more money and SELLING WOMEN INTO HUMAN TRAFFICKING. Sure they’re breaking the NCAA’s rules to gain that leverage, but are you really one to question someone else’s integrity with regards to stupid NCAA rules? I think having wins vacated from the 2007 season because of a textbook scandal kinda rules you out. Actually, here’s a better question: what’s the difference between you and a pimp? You (officially) make $4 million more dollars than any of the 50+ players that brought you a national effing championship this year. And they (as in pimps) share your love for weird headgear. Also, you as a head football coach have far more control over your players than any agent ever will. HOW WOULD YOU FEEL IF THEY DID IT TO YOUR CHILD?!?