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Thursday, March 28, 2024

Korked Bats

That Funny Sports Blog

Happy National Coaches’ Day! The Good, The Back and The Ugly Edition

Happy National Coaches Day! Now go run some laps!

Today is the day we come together to honor coaches all around the country, from tee-ball coaches all the way up to the professional ranks. Let’s take a look at some of the more notable coaches, both past and present.

The Good

Bill Belichick

Bill housing a chicken bacon ranch on a 12″ Italian herbs and spices roll.

There’s not much to say about The Sleeveless Assassin that you don’t already know. I mean, this guy wakes up and pisses excellence. Bill became the New England Patriots’ head coach at the turn of the century, and since then he has produced 6 championships, 9 Super Bowl appearances (hahahaha you lost to that IDIOT Eli twice… oh and Go Birds, 41-33!), 3-time AP NFL Coach of the Year, and over 300 wins. He is the best coach in the sport that it is hardest to beat – effectively making him the best coach in sports history, IMHO. He’s already a legend, and he hasn’t even retired yet.

Phil Jackson

Phil loved going to Miami for some weird reason.

This man is an 11-time NBA champion as a head coach (6 with the Bulls, 5 with the Lakers). He had the privilege of coaching three of the greatest players ever in MJ, Kobe and Shaq. Now some would say anyone could coach those guys and have success, but as we learned from The Last Dance, managing all of those different personalities on the Bulls was an incredible task, not to mention having to work for someone you hate (Jerry Krause), all while leading them to six titles. The Kobe and Shaq beef was no secret either, and both of their egos were larger than Shaq’s leg room in his Buick. As a coach and a person, he understood how the mind worked and how to blend clashing personalities when no one else could. He is the best coach in NBA history and there is no argument that can say otherwise (sorry Red Auerbach, but I could’ve coached Bill Russell to a million championships back in the day too).

Scotty Bowman

Riding off into the sunset with Lord Stanley.

I’ll be honest, I don’t know much about hockey history, but when I did some research on the top NHL coaches of all time, this guy was the clear #1. Scotty has the most impressive coaching resume I have ever seen. When he was 34-years-old, he took over as a first time head coach for the St. Louis Blues in their first year of existence, and took them to the finals that year and the following two after that. From there he went on to coach 27 more seasons in the NHL for four different teams (Montreal, Buffalo, Pittsburgh and Detroit), winning 9 Stanley Cups in 13 appearances, along with an Olympic Gold Medal for Team Canada in 1976. To cap off his illustrious career in 2002, he announced his retirement during the Cup presentation by putting on a pair of his old skates and doing one last lap with Lord Stanley’s Cup.

The Back

Mike McCarthy

Mike, along with everyone else, in shock that he was given another job.

Mike McCarthy is best known for wasting Aaron Rodgers’ prime. Early on in his tenure with the Packers he won a Super Bowl, but as time wore on, his welcome wore out. One mediocre season after another lead to him being fired in 2018. He didn’t get another job offer immediately and seemingly faded out. I honestly forgot all about him up until this past off-season when the General of the Clownboys, Jerry Jones, hired him to replace Jason Garrett. As expected, Mike is currently coaching the Cowboys to a 1-3 record in the worst division in NFL history. Like most Americans, there is nothing I love more than their misery.

Doc Rivers

Yes, Doc, watching Ben refuse to shoot is what insanity feels like

As Gator Flint so eloquently informed you all last week, the Sixers have finally hired a real head coach–something us Philadelphia fans haven’t seen since the days of AI skipping practice to go spend $10,000+ at TGI Friday’s on City Ave. While Doc does bring a big name, a big resume, and the ability to attract big time players, he also brings baggage. Doc let his daughter date Playoff P, who wound up cheating on her with a stripper who ended up getting pregnant. Is this the reason the Clippers got bounced early? Maybe. Or it could be the brick Paul threw off the side of the backboard?

It’s probably the latter, but the point is this, Doc let drama affect his team and we all know how prone the Sixers are to drama. I wish Doc nothing but the best though, especially as a Philly fan. I am looking forward to making history with him yet again, blowing another 3-1 lead in the playoffs.

The Ugly

Maury Wills

It was always 4:20 on Maury’s watch

Not to be confused with Maury Povich, Maury Wills was just straight up wild. I’m not even going to do his story justice, so I’ll just let Hardball Times summarize it…

“After an initial period when he failed to discipline openly insubordinate players, the skipper attempted to run spring training in a manner more familiar to boot camp, with predictable results.

Of course, part of Wills’ problems in spring training might have been that he decided being a major league manager was too easy. To attempt to make things more difficult for himself, Wills developed a cocaine problem.

The coke habit might have had something to do with a spring training game Wills left in the sixth inning without telling anyone why. Wills also developed a habit of announcing he had roles planned for players who were no longer on the Mariners’ roster.

He also made pronouncements about players, batting order, what position players would occupy and the like, only to go back on them, sometimes within a day of the original announcement. “

via Hardball Times

Bobby Knight

Bobby not understanding the proper way to call a timeout.

It’s really a shame I have to put this guy in The Ugly section. I mean — he is ugly, BUT he actually had a great basketball mind. Coach K credits Knight as being one of his biggest mentors, which speaks volumes coming from one of the greatest coaches in history (not great enough for this list because I hate Dook). Unfortunately, however, for Bob’s Big Boy his people skills were slightly slacking. This might be news to you, but Bobby was known for having a temper and also for being physically abusive to players and school property (see: the innocent chair pictured above). While coaching Indiana and Texas Tech it was reported that he slapped multiple players and threw basketballs at them. Bobby has 3 National Championships, 5 Final Four appearances, and over 900 wins — but the first thing he’s remembered for is throwing chairs and not getting dubs.

Bill O’Butthole

He may be mediocre, but at least he can blow his nose and wipe his a** at the same time

A picture is worth a thousand words. In Bill’s case, his just has an a**hole on his face. There are absolutely worse coaches in sports history than this guy, but I just wanted to put the cherry on top of the amazing week he has had. Much like Jeff Fischer, he is the epitome of average. Along with that, Bill is just another shining example of how you shouldn’t get plastic surgery done on your chin (and also another Bill Belichick assistant that went on to fail as a head coach). BOL (best of luck) in finding another coaching gig–you’re going to need it.

And with that, I wish you all a Happy National Coaches’ Day!

Please celebrate responsibly.

Hubb

Erik, AKA Hubb, is Philly born and bred, loves memes and his dog, is always Hailing to Pitt, and he doesn’t have an appendix.

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