Today is my birthday and guess what? I’m going to party like it’s my birthday.
For my birthday I would like a few things to happen in the sports and regular world.
One. I would like Alex Rodriguez to stop dating Madonna and Cameron Diaz and start dating me.
Two. I would like the NFL Lockout to hurry up already and end. I mean, what kind of lockout takes this long to actually end? I am tired of waiting. Let the locking out cease.
Three. I would like President Obama to play a game of basketball against LeBron James. I think that would help both of their campaigns. If LeBron can’t take the heat, then he should get out of the kitchen. (pun unintentionally intended) (what?)
Four. I would like people to care about my ability to rap Nikki Minaj’s songs. I am better than both Taylor Swift and Selena Gomez combined. Ask me to prove it.
Five. I would like the WNBA to hand out free iPads at each one of their games. Not only would the games be more interesting, but I think more people would attend. I know I would. If they offered this promotion, they’d at least nearly sell out the lower bowl of all stadiums.
Six. I would like Justin Timberlake to stop dating Jessica Biel and Cameron Diaz and start dating me. And I would also like Justin T. to be on SNL more often. Especially in a one piece bathing suit and dancing to any Beyonce song.
Seven. I would like Beyonce to be at my birthday party. Especially in a one piece bathing suit and dancing to any Beyonce song.
Eight. I wish that Erin Andrews would accept my friend request on Facebook. And I also wish that she would accept that a redhead is about to take her place in the sports world in which she has previously dominated. (Erin Andrews, if you are reading this, please know that I think we would make a great team, but you know that I have to stir up some drama. Nobody wants to see two girls get along. Friends for life? Cool.)
Nine. I would like the Oregon Ducks to win the Super Bowl this year.
Ten. I wish that the movie, Independence Day was real. I wish that aliens were invading the planet and that Will Smith and Jeff Goldblum were the heroes and that for some reason they also asked for my help. I wish that more than anything in the whole world. (This is a mild exaggeration, but only a mild one.)
Thanks for getting me each and every one of these things.
You won’t be sorry.