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Tuesday, February 27, 2024

Korked Bats

That Funny Sports Blog

Happy Birthday (To Me)

What. Up.

Today is my birthday and guess what? I’m going to party like it’s my birthday.

For my birthday I would like a few things to happen in the sports and regular world.

One. I would like Alex Rodriguez to stop dating Madonna and Cameron Diaz and start dating me.

Two. I would like the NFL Lockout to hurry up already and end.  I mean, what kind of lockout takes this long to actually end?  I am tired of waiting.  Let the locking out cease.

Three. I would like President Obama to play a game of basketball against LeBron James.  I think that would help both of their campaigns.  If LeBron can’t take the heat, then he should get out of the kitchen. (pun unintentionally intended) (what?)

Four. I would like people to care about my ability to rap Nikki Minaj’s songs.  I am better than both Taylor Swift and Selena Gomez combined.  Ask me to prove it.

Five. I would like the WNBA to hand out free iPads at each one of their games.  Not only would the games be more interesting, but I think more people would attend. I know I would. If they offered this promotion, they’d at least nearly sell out the lower bowl of all stadiums.

Six. I would like Justin Timberlake to stop dating Jessica Biel and Cameron Diaz and start dating me.  And I would also like Justin T. to be on SNL more often.  Especially in a one piece bathing suit and dancing to any Beyonce song.

Seven. I would like Beyonce to be at my birthday party. Especially in a one piece bathing suit and dancing to any Beyonce song.

Eight. I wish that Erin Andrews would accept my friend request on Facebook.  And I also wish that she would accept that a redhead is about to take her place in the sports world in which she has previously dominated.  (Erin Andrews, if you are reading this, please know that I think we would make a great team, but you know that I have to stir up some drama.  Nobody wants to see two girls get along. Friends for life? Cool.)

Nine. I would like the Oregon Ducks to win the Super Bowl this year.

Ten. I wish that the movie, Independence Day was real.  I wish that aliens were invading the planet and that Will Smith and Jeff Goldblum were the heroes and that for some reason they also asked for my help.  I wish that more than anything in the whole world.  (This is a mild exaggeration, but only a mild one.)

Thanks for getting me each and every one of these things.

You won’t be sorry.

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