Good News: Dr. Fauci Says Santa Claus Is Immune From Spreading COVID-19

November 20, 2020November 20, 2020 Austin

Santa Claus is coming to town. And he’s not bringing COVID-19.
At least, that’s the word from Dr. Anthony Fauci, the nation’s leading infectious disease expert.
“Santa is exempt from this because Santa, of all the good qualities, has a lot of good innate immunity,” Fauci told USA TODAY this week.
It should come as no surprise. As children already know, Santa is superhuman. He flies around the world in one night, delivers millions of toys and eats his weight in cookies.
But with millions of Americans already sick with COVID-19, children have been worried about Santa, especially this Christmas Eve when he visits millions of homes. And there’s no denying that Santa, because he is older and overweight, would at first glance appear to be at higher risk of developing severe disease from COVID-19.
Fauci is telling kids not to worry, though. “Santa is not going to be spreading any infections to anybody,” he said.
via USA Today

Oh hell yeah, Santa! I knew that fat man would overcome this virus. Dude delivers every Christmas Eve without fail, so why wouldn’t you expect him to deliver here.

I’m not a big Christmas before Thanksgiving guy, but this news was too big not to blog about. This is good news for more reasons than one, because with Kris Kringle’s overbearing weight issues, you’d have to think he’d be at risk. I don’t want to assume, but you have to think Ol’ Saint Nick is a diabetic with the amount of milk and cookies he’s consumes in a 24-hour period every single year. And you can’t think that’s the only night he cheats on his diet. Just look at him. You know he’s sneaking some Chips Ahoy when Mrs. Claus isn’t looking.

So the fact that he can’t carry or contract COVID might be the latest in a long line of Christmas miracles. (If you need examples of any others, just turn on Hallmark Channel or Lifetime anytime now through the holidays.)

I mean, yeah, this does suck for Santa himself, because this means he still has to go into work this year – and nobody has a suckier job than Kris Kringle – and I can say that having worked the second suckiest job: refolding the clothes in the clearance section of an Old Navy. So I’m sure it’s kinda bittersweet for him, so maybe don’t celebrate this news too much.

Also, I can’t finish this blog without asking the question that’s on all of our minds… no not that fact that Dr. Fauci’s parents clearly never told him, but more so along the lines of why aren’t scientists using Santa’s blood to test towards a vaccine. If Dolly Parton donated A MILLION DOLLARS, the least Santy can donate is a bit of his time inside a Red Cross trailer. I mean, if he’s immune, we need to know why! Are milk and cookies the antidote? If so, I need my wife to get off my back already about my intake.

You can’t just hit us with this massive news without expecting these follow-ups. Anyway, here’s an artist’s rendering of what Santa would look like with COVID. Merry Christmas.