G.O.L.F.: Gentlemen Only Ladies Forbidden? Not in My House
The following is a guest post from Kevin Rose.
Be sure to check out more of Kevin’s work at Keep A Happy Wife.
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Since the days of Old Tom Morris, men have wrestled with whether or not they want their wives to take up golf. This question was rendered moot when Old Tom Morris called his wife “Old Lady Morris”. She proceeded to bash him with a mashie up side his head and then took half his stuff (Old Tom and Tiger have this in common).
In reality, guys, what YOU want is secondary (this is true in virtually all decisions made in your marriage). If you wife wants to play golf, you should encourage it and help her enjoy it. If she likes something at least a little, it will improve the odds of her understanding why you like that “something” a lot. This, too, holds true in most anything:
The Three Stooges? OK.
The Die Hard movies? Yes, except for the one with Samuel L. Jackson. Nobody could understand your liking that.
Porterhouse steak? Uh-huh.
Flirting with the beer cart girl? You may find you have something in common with Tiger and Old Tom.
The Wife has played golf for years. As a mother of two sons, she saw that golf could become a family activity for us if she took it up, too. We’ve played dozens and dozens of rounds as a family on vacations and on Sunday afternoons. Here are some things I’ve learned to help Keep A Happy Wife while on the golf course.
1. The most important thing to The Wife is not her score. It is cuteness. The outfit must be “cute”. The golf ball cannot be a simple Titleist or Nike, it must be, in some way, “cute”. Hat, head covers, towel, shoes, tees? Cute, cute, cute, cute and cute. Remember, then, to mention several times how cute she or her paraphernalia is.
2. She is not looking for you to give her lessons. It didn’t take long for me to learn that when The Wife asks after a bad shot: “What am I doing wrong?” she is not looking for guidance from this 14-handicapper. Now, when she asks: “How did that shot go there?” I just tell her how cute her shoes are.
3. As I mentioned earlier, the score is not important to The Wife. She may decide to record the good scores, but leave the others blank. Or she may decide to write in a frowny face or other emoticon in place of a score. This is perfectly acceptable, but should probably not be called “cute”. If she pencils in a smiley face next to a par, then feel free to put the “cute” label on that.
4. Even when you play with your buddies, they’ll want to lock you in a port-a-john if you are tossing clubs, cussing like a rap star or constantly whining about your slice. Your wife may find you embarrassing, or worse yet pose this question: “Why do you even play this game if you don’t enjoy it more than this?”. She’ll have your clubs on Ebay quicker than you can say “Noonan”. So behave yourself on the course, especially when in the company of your bride.
If your wife is the likes of Paula Creamer or Natalie Gulbis, let me say: “nicely done, sir”. Wait…what I meant to say was: “high five, bro!”. No ,really, this time…even if your wife is an accomplished golfer these points still apply. Especially the “cute” thing, but if you want to Keep a Happy Wife you need to remember that one on and off the course.
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This guest post was created by Kevin Rose from Keep A Happy Wife.
Be sure to follow Keep A Happy Wife on Twitter: @KeepAHappyWife
Also, follow Kevin’s jokes as Roger Goodell on Twitter: @CaptTouchback