Fantasy Football

September 1, 2011 Erin

Okay, Ladies.

I have been hearing about Fantasy Football for a few years now, and since I am writing for a sports blog, I thought it might be a good idea for me to learn about this phenomenon and pass along the information that I gather. Fantasy Football has, in fact, nothing to do with dragons or elves. It has nothing to do with inviting your friends over to play Dream Phone or even M.A.S.H. So if someone in your life keeps throwing parties for football games that aren’t really happening, you don’t have to be worried. There could be a good explanation. Or they’re just coming down with dementia.

Here we go.

Fantasy Football:

You need a quarterback. A good (looking) one.

You need two running backs. These should be fast and furious.

And you get to pick a defense.

This is not very important if you are playing against any team that Kerry Collins is the quartback for. He is old. And he was retired. Then he came back. What’s next Kerry? Basketball after a brief stint in the minors?

People that are in fantasy football leagues throw parties. If you are lacking in the party department and are in need to get out there and mingle, this is a great opportunity for you. They will probably have snacks, much like Super Bowl parties. Probably some chips and salsa or those little smokies. Maybe some of those vegetable trays. I love those mini carrots!

If you are in the process of picking your team and don’t know who to pick first, here are a few options:

1. Adrian Peterson. I have heard he is really good. Adrian is kind of a girly name [see: Rocky], so you might have not gone straight to it, but the risk is worth it.

2. Michael Vick. He will do all of the work for you. But not work dealing with dogfights. No, I will not let it go.

3. Or you could pick Drew Brees because he is a good guy and has a sweet little family. And a not-so-sweet or little birthmark.

4. I would stay away from the name Vince Young. He is kind of crazy and not in a cute kind of way.

5. When in doubt, it is okay to pick a team with players that are good looking. They are usually the better athlete anyway. Don’t you guys ever watch Glee?!

You need points to win the fantasy Super Bowl later on in the season. You get points from how good your players do. And you get points taken away when your player drops a ball or misses a field goal. WHAT?! If your team makes it to the fantasy Super Bowl, you win a lot of money and then you get to ask the Black Eyed Peas to come to the half time show dressed as robots.

The Bottom Line is:

You get to be the boss of a team. You are the owner. You are the coach (kinda). You get to make the decisions. You get to call the plays and memorize the moving speeches that the team will get to hear during the half time huddle when your team is down by 15 (but none of your players will hear it). You get to have that moment when you have finally won everything and Gatorade gets dumped on your head. And if we really think about it, isn’t that why any of us do anything?