Fake Interviews With Real Athletes: Ryan Braun

Here at Korked Bats, we like to think of ourselves to be sports journalists. And by sports journalists, I mean just a couple of guys with the domain rights to KorkedBats.com who can’t land big interviews for your reading pleasure.

So instead, we make up big interviews for your reading pleasure.

Recently, we had a chance to sit down (kinda) with Milwaukee Brewers left fielder Ryan Braun (not really) to talk about the recent suspension handed down to him in regards to his use of PED’s. It was an exclusive one on one with the superstar. Here is that interview.

(RB will represent Ryan Braun and KB will represent Korked Bats)

Korked Bats: Hey, Ryan. We appreciate you taking the time to sit down with us.

Ryan Braun: No problem.

KB: Before we get started, would you care for some PEZ? [pulls out PEZ dispenser, reaches over to give him one]

RB: No thanks, man. I’m good.

KB: Oh that’s right. You consume P-E-D’s, not P-E-Z’s. That’s my bad.

RB: Wow, funny. You really had to reach for that one. [not smiling] Can we get started?

KB: Ok, yeah, sure. In fact, I’m glad you brought up the topic of getting started, because the opposite of getting started is getting stopped. And… elephant in the room… you just got suspended for the rest of the season for your use of PED’s.

RB: Alright, so we’re just going to jump right into it? That’s fine. What’s your question?

KB: Is it true you put the Jew in juicer?

RB: If you’re asking me if I’m Jewish, the answer is yes. If you’re asking if I took steroids, I’d rather not comment on that. Legally, I can’t.

KB: [giggling] So… So you’re a Milwaukee HeBrewer?

RB: [unamused] Ah, nice. That’s funny. Listen, are you going to ask me legit questions?

KB: I don’t know. Are you going to hit legit home runs?

RB: [frustrated] Seriously? What is this?

KB: I’m sorry, but your answer should’ve been, “Not this year.”

RB: You’re really making me pissed.

KB: Not to get nit picky, but I believe I’m making you “dirty pissed” or even “unclean pissed.”

RB: Listen, I made mistakes. I’m coming clean about them now. Either you start asking me actual questions about baseball that have nothing to do with steroids, or I’m walking out that door right now.

KB: Ok, ok, ok. I’m sorry. I really am.

RB: [sits back in chair, calming down] Alright. Let’s continue.

KB: Ok…. Ummm… [frantically checking notes] Uhhh… What was it like playing with Nyjer Morgan? That guy was nutso, wasn’t he?

RB: You don’t have any non-steroids questions prepared, do you?

KB: Not one.

RB: Great. [stands up to leave]

KB: Wait… Wait… [continues checking notes]

RB: I can’t believe I drove all the way out here for this…

KB: Did you drive here in a muscle car?

RB: You are so annoying.

KB: Is your car insured?

RB: What does that have anything to do with anything?

KB: If not, you should look into All-State.

RB: What? Why?

KB: Because urine good hands, with All-State. And judging by your past you seem like the guy who needs his urine to be in…

RB: [slams door on way out]

KB: Man, and I had like six more pages of PED jokes left. [checks off “muscle car joke” and “urine good hands joke” in notes]

• • •

This post was created by Austin. You can follow him and his jokes on Twitter: @TheAHuff

Also, for up-to-the-minute sports jokes, follow Korked Bats on Twitter: @KorkedBats


Austin hosts a country music morning radio show in Chicago after nearly a decade in sports talk radio (The Jim Rome Show, Steve Gorman SPORTS!) Colin Cowherd and Smash Mouth follow him on Twitter (which he apparently thought was important enough to share here). He also wears pants everyday.


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