Fake Interviews With Real Athletes: LeBron James
Here at Korked Bats we like to think of ourselves as sports journalists. And by sports journalists, I mean just a couple of guys with the domain rights to KorkedBats.com. We can’t land big interviews for your reading pleasure. We just don’t have the resources. But resources shmee-sources is what I always said during my 5+ years of school at one of the finest journalism schools in the country. When you don’t have the right interview for your piece, make it up! And that I have the right resources for… My imagination. So join with me now as I make-believed sat down with one of the NBA’s biggest superstars, LeBron James.
LBJ will represent Mr. James and KB will represent Korked Bats
Korked Bats: LeBron, I wanted to thank you for joining us today. This is a real pleasure.
LeBron James: I lost a bet.
KB: I’m sorry, what?
LBJ: I said, don’t mention it.
KB: Oh. Ok! Cool! Well, let’s get started.
LBJ: Aight den.
KB: What’s it like playing basketball?
LBJ: Really? That’s your first question?
KB: Yeah… Should it not be?
LBJ: I’m LeBron James.
KB: Oh, ok I’m sorry. I didn’t know that. You see I had written down… No wait, I did know that. Just answer the friggin’ question.
LBJ: Whoa, check yo self, lil’ man. Uhhh, playin’ basketball is cool, I guess?
KB: That’s more like it. And DON’T call me lil’ man. I’m not voiced by Chris Rock and your not Penny Hardaway.
KB: Sorry, that’s probably before your time. So can you rent a car yet?
LBJ: Yeah, I turn 26 in December. And plus, I’m LeBron James!
KB: What the heck is that supposed to mean? I don’t care if you were Brad Anderson! You don’t get to live life by different rules because you had some hour-long TV show on ESPN over the summer that kept the whole world hostage waiting on where you were going to play basketball next summer. You’re a human being! You put your pants on the same way I put my pants on, I think. You have longer legs, so I’m not entirely sure about that.
LBJ: Who the heck is Brad Anderson?
KB: He’s the creator of Marmaduke.
LBJ: (silence… awkward stare)
KB: Alright. Let’s move on. I’m about to move in on some real tough questions now, so please, don’t give up on me.
LBJ: Why would I give up on you?
KB: Oh yeah, that’s right. This isn’t the NBA Playoffs.
KB: Ok, well, first thing is first. Do you really think that race played a role in America hating you?
LBJ: (sighs) For the last time, yes. I said what I said. I’m not going back on it. I want to move on.
KB: It’s ok to think that and to express how you feel. But you can’t just say that you do think it played a factor and not expand on how or why?
LBJ: I don’t think you heard me.
KB: You’re right, I didn’t. But I’m sorry. Maybe you should do an hour long show on ESPN to say what you just said? But don’t get mad at the world when afterward they feel like they just had an hour of their lives taken away by an ego-driven, never had won anything, 25-year-old, impregnated a women outside of wedlock, VitaminWater endorsing, hometown’s state screwing, number changing, all about me, talking in third person, prima donna who won’t admit when he’s wrong or when he’s copping out to play with two other superstars because he couldn’t do it on his own like… Dare I say… Kobe?
LBJ: You leave him out of this!
KB: I’m not done. You think that everyone has turned on you because of your skin color? I understand that racial problems are still an issue in this county, but what you did and how you acted this summer was about as American as the Toronto Raptors. Everyone realized how self obsessed you are and quite frankly, it turned everyone off. And another question, did you think joining Twitter would change that? Who do you think you are? Conan O’Brien? Sorry number six, but you honestly know nothing about modesty.
LBJ: How’s this for modesty? (LBJ proceeds to do a vulgar gesture and begins to walk out of the room.)
KB: (shouts) Wait, wait, wait… One more question! Did Delonte West sleep with your mom?!
LBJ: (door slams)
KB: He seemed like a nice guy.
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