Fake Interviews With Real Athletes: Johnny Manziel
Here at Korked Bats, we like to think of ourselves as sports journalists. And by sports journalists, I mean just a couple of folks with the domain rights to KorkedBats.com who can’t land big interviews for your reading pleasure.
So instead, we make up big interviews for your reading pleasure.
Recently, we had a chance to sit down (kinda) with Cleveland Browns quarterback Johnny Manziel. It was an exclusive one on one with the superstar. Here is that interview.
(JM will represent Johnny Manziel, and KB will represent Korked Bats)
Korked Bats: Thank you for taking the time to sit down with us today. I’m sure you’re very busy, so it means…
Johnny Manziel: [interrupts] You got any beer?
KB: What? No… I’m sorry, we don’t.
JM: Lame.
KB: I’m sorry. Would you like me to have someone get you some?
JM: Nah, it’s cool. I brought my own. [opens can of Natty Light, takes a big sip]
KB: Wait.. You have your own? Why did you ask m..
JM: [burps loudly] Bro, we gonna do this or what?
KB: Umm… Yeah, sure… Uhh, I guess my first question is…
JM: [interrupts] Bro, do you have any coke?
KB: Actually, yes. We do! Would you like Classic, Diet, or Coke Zero?
JM: Bruh… Are you an idiot? I’m talking about cocaine.
KB: Oh. Right. I was just kidding. I was making a joke. [Trying to play cool] Umm, no man, I actually just used all our cocaine up the other day. I used it all right up. I cocained it all… Yup, I did that.
JM: It’s ok, I brought my own.
KB: [suddenly worried] WHAT?! You can’t bring that in here! [Remembers to play it cool] I mean, do you think that’s such a good idea? I mean, do you think it’s a good idea for an NFL quarterback to do that?
JM: Just about every NFL player in the 80’s did, especially Lawrence Taylor… and he turned out alright.
KB: He was suspended from the league twice for cocaine use and arrested multiple times.
JM: Yeah, well, what about the mid-90’s Cowboys teams? They LOVED cocaine and won multiple Super Bowls.
KB: Touché.
JM: Gah, who is this dude, T?
KB: T? Who is T?
T: I’m T. It’s short for Tyrone.
KB: [startled] Where the heck did you come from?!
JM: He’s with me. That’s Tyrone. He’s my boy.
KB: Has he been here the whole time?
T: Don’t worry about it.
JM: Yeah, what are you? A cop?
T: YEAH! ARE YOU A COP?!
KB: What?! No. No, I’m not a cop.
JM: You sure you’re not a cop?
KB: NO! I’m just here to ask you some questions about football!
JM: Alright, good. My parents said I’ve already met my monthly quota. They won’t pay off anymore cops this month. So I can’t get busted for like three more weeks.
KB: Right… Well, then. Let’s talk football.
JM: N-GAY, bruh.
KB: N-GAY? What is N-GAY?!
T: N-GAY… Not gettin’ any younger.
JM: Not gettin’ any younger, bruh.
KB: Do people say that?
T: Just ask your questions.
KB: Ok. Great. Ummm… First question, when do you think you will…
JM: [interrupts] Do you have any chicks?
KB: Ugh… Do you have A.D.D.? You keep interrupting me. And what do you mean do I have any chicks?
JM: Do you have any chicks? Any broads? Any women here?
T: Ladies, babes, females, chicas, girls, honeys, Tina’s?
KB: Tina’s?
JM: Yeah, that’s just slang for girls named Tina.
T: You gotta any Tina’s, bruh?
KB: I’m sorry. No. We don’t have like a back room stocked full of girls here, if that’s what you’re asking.
JM: It’s cool. I brought my own.
KB: What??
[Door swings open, in walks a line of 13 girls wearing bikinis and Kanye sunglasses]
T: Hey ladies! And hey, Tina!
Ladies: HI TYRONE!
Tina: HI TYRONE!
JM: Alright, bro are you gonna ask me some questions or what?
KB: I’m sorry, I’m just having a hard time figuring out what’s going on.
JM: Bruh… I came here to answer some questions. And you ain’t asked one yet.
T: Ask him a question already!
KB: [sigh] Alright, fine. Will you be starting by…
JM: [interrupts] Bro, you got a hot tub in this joint?
KB: [frustrated] WHAT? WHO ARE YOU? MATT LEINART? NO, I DON’T HAVE A HOT TUB IN THIS JOINT!
JM: It’s cool. I brought my own.
KB: WHAT? HOW?!
[Suddenly, there’s a beeping noise, as a forklift with a hot tub on it comes driving through the doorway]
KB: WHAT THE?! HOW DID YOU GET A FORKLIFT AND A HOT TUB IN HERE?!
JM: YOLO-SBATE!
KB: WHAT? WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?!
T: You only live once, so bring a tub everywhere.
KB: PEOPLE SAY THAT? WHO SAYS THAT?!
[Johnny hops into the hot tub with the twelve girls and Tina]
Ladies & Tina: YOLO-SBATE!
T: Everyone, bruh.
KB: [disappointed in humanity]
JM: Bro, just stand here next to the hot tub and ask me your questions. And hurry up please, I have a pool party to get to after this.
KB: Seriously? You just brought a hot tub here and you’re going to another pool party?
JM: There are NEPP, brah.
KB: NEPP?
T: Never enough pool parties, dude. Even too many pool parties are NEPP… not enough pool parties.
KB: I am flabbergasted at this generation’s lingo.
JM: And I am still waiting for your first question, bro. N-GAY, bruh!
KB: Fine, will you start over Brian…
JM: [interrupts] Bruh, do you have any midget mud wrestlers?
KB: [about to lose it] NO! NO, I DON’T HAVE ANY MIDGET MUD WRESTLERS! BUT LET ME GUESS… YOU BROUGHT YOUR OWN!
JM: [looks at Tyrone] Haha, what?! Who would brings midget mud wrestlers to an interview?
T: Yeah, bro. People don’t just bring midget mud wrestlers everywhere they go.
KB: [throws papers in the air] I’m leaving.
[After opening the door to leave, a group of midget mud wrestlers stand in the way, about to knock on the door to come in]
• • •
Check out our other Fake Interviews With Real Athletes:
• • •
This post was created by Austin. You can follow him and his jokes on Twitter: @TheAHuff
Also, for up-to-the-minute sports jokes, follow Korked Bats on Twitter: @KorkedBats
Pingback: Another Johnny Manziel Nickname
Pingback: The Best Of August 2014