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Fake Interviews With Real Athletes: Cam Newton

Here at Korked Bats we like to think of ourselves as sports journalists. And by sports journalists, I mean just a couple of guys with the domain rights to KorkedBats.com. We can’t land big interviews for your reading pleasure. We just don’t have the resources. But resources shmee-sources is what I always said during my 5+ years of school at one of the finest journalism schools in the country. When you don’t have the right interview for your piece, make it up! And that I have the right resources for… My imagination. So join with me now as I make-believed sat down with everyone’s Heisman front runner and Auburn starting quarterback, Cam Newton.

CN will represent Cam Newton and KB will represent Korked Bats

Korked Bats: We want to thank you for joining us today, even though we know we didn’t offer you near as much money as the other media outlets.

Cam Newton: (sarcastically) That’s funny.

KB: No, but seriously thank you. And we have your teammate Mario Fannin sitting in with us. In case you have any trouble with any of our questions, you can just cheat by letting him answer them for you.

CN: Seriously? Is this all this interview is going to be?

KB: No, no. I’m done. I’m sorry. I’m just going to ask you a few questions, get your answers, and then later I’ll type them into my laptop. That is, of course, if it’s not stolen. (::gives Cam a concerned look::)

CN: You’ve got to be kidding me. That was like two years ago.

KB: Well, that computer had a lot of memory.

CN: I’m going to leave.

KB: No, no, wait. Please. I’m sorry. I just had to get those out of my system. Will you stay please?

CN: Fine, but you better mature fast.

KB: Consider it done.

CN: Alright.

KB: Now, Cam, I want to start this interview off by asking you the question that is on everyone’s mind…

CN: Really, man? I don’t want to talk about that.

KB: …Is your dad’s name really Cecil?

CN: (surprised) Ummm… yes. It is.

KB: Wow. That is shocking news. All this time while he was denying the allegations surrounding you and him, I thought he was lying.

CN: Lying about denying the allegations?

KB: No, lying that his name is Cecil.

CN: …Umm… Well… It is.

KB: (laughing) That is crazy!

CN: I guess?

KB: Alright, Cam, well we want to thank you for stopping by. It’s been a pleasure getting to sit down and talk to you.

CN: We’re done already? You only asked me one question.

KB: Cam, with all due respect, I’m a journalist. And you’re a slightly overweight quarterback who steals laptops, cheats on tests, and takes money to go to school. Let me do my job, and I’ll write about you doing yours.

CN: You don’t want to talk about our undefeated season or my chances for the Heisman?

KB: No. I’ve heard all I want to hear.

CN: This is ridiculous. I’m taking time out of my day to sit down with you and be asked one question?!

KB: Ok, fine. What kind of laptop was it?

CN: (sigh) Uhh, I don’t remember. A Dell I think..

KB: (laughs hysterically) Oh my gosh. It wasn’t even a Mac? You could go to any junkyard and find a Dell.

CN: Shut up man.

KB: Wait, wait, wait… One last thing…

CN: What?

KB: Dude, you’re getting a Dell!

CN: (::gets up and leaves::)

Austin

Austin hosts a country music morning radio show in Chicago after nearly a decade in sports talk radio (The Jim Rome Show, Steve Gorman SPORTS!) Colin Cowherd and Smash Mouth follow him on Twitter (which he apparently thought was important enough to share here). He also wears pants everyday.

Austin

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