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Fake Interviews With Real Athletes: Bryce Harper

Here at Korked Bats we like to think of ourselves as sports journalists. And by sports journalists, I mean just a couple of guys with the domain rights to KorkedBats.com who can’t land big interviews for your reading pleasure.

So instead, we make up big interviews for your reading pleasure.

Recently, we had a chance to sit down (kinda) with Washington Nationals center fielder Bryce Harper (not really) to talk about the success shown this season by the Nationals as well as Bryce. It was an exclusive one on one with the rising star. Here is that interview.

(BH will represent Bryce Harper and KB will represent Korked Bats)

Korked Bats: Thanks for taking the time to do this Bryce, I really appreciate it.

Bryce Harper: Don’t mention it, brah.

KB: I don’t want to waste too much of your time, so let’s get started.

BH: That’s trill.

KB: Yeah. I know, I was wanting to be really really trill for this interview, ya know?

BH: Just start asking questions.

KB: Right. Ok, well… wait a minute… who is that guy? [points to a third guy in the room]

BH: Oh him? That’s Javon. He’s my token black guy.

Javon: What’s up, Broseph Gordon-Levitt?!

KB: Uh.. Hi.

BH: Yeah, I met him at Abercrombie. Now I bring him around everywhere I go. To laugh at stuff I say, to intimidate others, and to pronounce the word ask like ax.

Javon: You about to ax him some questions, home boy.

BH: Oh, and he also fills me in with new black guy expressions. Like SMH, fool.

KB: But… SMH isn’t that new.

BH: Yeah, right brah. YOLO!

Javon: YOLO, playa!

KB: [blank stare] Ok… well… Why is your token black guy wearing two polo shirts with the collars popped and an upside-down backwards visor?

BH: I think you mean, why ISN’T HE?

Javon: Ha ha, yeah! Tell him! MY MAN!

BH: Ya feel me, Javon? Dope sound!

KB: I’m not sure what’s going on.

BH: Try to keep up, Tink.

KB: Tink? Is that a racial slur? I’m the same race as you.

BH: [sighs, and points as if to say, “this guy.”] Tink… As in Tinkerbell… As in a fairy… as in sissy stuff… as in you’re a sissy boy. AKA, TINK!

Javon: FACE!

KB: Ok. Well, I’m going to start asking questions.

BH: And I’ll start telling answers, brah.

KB: Sure. Ok, what’s it like having the Nationals back in a pennant race for the first time since… well, ever.

BH: It’s sexy.

KB: I’m sorry?

BH: I said it’s sexy.

KB: I’m not following you.

BH: [turns around to Javon] Can you believe this “Dunston?”

KB: “Dunston?”

BH: Yeah, “Dunston”… as in you’re checked out.

KB: But the movie’s title is Dunston Checks… you know what? Forget it. Can you just explain yourself?

BH: [sigh] Bro, it’s sexy. Sex sells. We’re just wheelin’ and dealin’ out there.

Javon: Ain’t that the sitch!

KB: I have less trouble understanding the programming decisions of NBC than you two. But I digress. Next question. And if possible, try to give me an answer that makes sense. You’ve been known this season for your “go hard always” attitude. To what do you attribute that die-hard ambition to?

BH: Well… Everyday I’m hustling… It’s like that song…

KB: [interrupts] “Hustlin’” by Rick Ross?

BH: Nah, man… Who? No, it’s like that song “Wide Awake” by Katy Perry. Because every time I hit that field, I’m just.. wide awake, ya know?

Javon: That’s deep, brah.

BH: Yeah…

KB: [confused] After being called up earlier this year, would you say you’ve got big shoes to fill in center field, where now right fielder Jayson Werth used to roam?

BH: That’s a clown question, bro. Haven’t you heard? I don’t answer clown questions.

KB: How the heck is that a clown question?

BH: [turns to Javon] Tell him, J-Deeze!

Javon: Bro… Big shoes to fill? Clowns wear big shoes.

KB: Are you serious?

BH: As serious as Adam Sandler in Funny People.

KB: [confused stare] Fine. Is it nice being in the driver’s seat in the NL East standings and not having to worry about a deficit you need to make up?

BH: Bro… Again, clown question.

KB: What?!

Javon: Make up, brah! Clowns wear make up.

KB: Is there any questions I CAN ask you?

BH: [looks to Javon]

Javon: [giggle]

BH: Ask me if I’ve got the time.

Javon: [let’s out a higher pitched giggle]

KB: [confused by what’s going on] Ok. Do you have the time?

BH: Not for you!

Javon: Yeah, he ain’t got the time for you! [can no longer contain his giggle, and bursts out laughing]

BH: Now ask Javon for the time.

Javon: Yeah! Ax me fo’ the time!

KB: [sighs] Javon, do you have the time?

Javon: Yeah. It’s 22 past 2.

KB: [surprised to get an actual answer]

BH: DEUCES! [throws up a peace sign and walks out]

Javon: [follows Bryce out of the room… still giggling]

BH: [loud enough to hear through the door] LET’S GO J-BISCUIT! TIME TO TAN! THEN TO HOLLISTER! THEN WE GOTSTA’ TWEET PICS OF US STANDING IN FRONT OF OUR BATHROOM MIRROR!

[minutes later, you hear out the window a car skid out of the parking lot blaring that newest hit One Direction song]

• • •

This post was created by Austin. You can follow him and his jokes on Twitter: @TheAHuff

Also, for up-to-the-minute sports jokes, follow Korked Bats on Twitter: @KorkedBats

 

Austin

Austin hosts a country music morning radio show in Chicago after nearly a decade in sports talk radio (The Jim Rome Show, Steve Gorman SPORTS!) Colin Cowherd and Smash Mouth follow him on Twitter (which he apparently thought was important enough to share here). He also wears pants everyday.

Austin

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