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Friday, March 29, 2024

Korked Bats

That Funny Sports Blog

Eat Taco Bell, Win the Cy Young

Every pro athlete has their secret to success. Some show up early and stay late.  Some athletes don’t leave until they’ve hit 100 free throws in a row. Some athletes work out so hard that their bodies can literally take no more, and they have to rest.

Last week, on the Conan O’Brien show, America found out that American League MVP and Cy Young Winner Justin Verlander’s secret is eating Taco Bell the night before every game he starts.

It’s more than just a meal for him though, it’s a ritual. He gets the exact same thing every time: Three crunchy taco supremes, no tomato; one cheesy gordita crunch; one mexican pizza, no tomatoes.

I’m tempted to go on a tangent here about how no other professional athlete would, or could fill themselves up with such a toxic meal before a big game, but I think we’ve all come to that conclusion already.

What’s more important to focus on here, is the fact that we all need to make sure that Taco Bell takes this free gift and puts the “Verlander” onto it’s menu.

If the marketing team over at wherever Taco Bell gets their marketing done is worth anything at all, they will capitalize on this and create a menu combo item. It could be the new 5 Buck Box.

Who would eat the Verlander? I would eat the Verlander. Throw a drink in the mix and I think I’ve found a new favorite order.

So get your emails ready, and I’ll take care of the rest. All you have to do is copy and paste the following message and send it on over to Taco Bell. If enough of us do it, we’ll be enjoying “Verlanders” in no time:

To whom it may concern,

Hello, my name is [YOUR NAME] and I recently watched a video on the internet where Cy Young winning pitcher, Justin Verlander, mentioned that he regularly consumes your conveniently priced Mexican fare. He continued on, saying that he even orders the exact same menu items every time: Three crunchy taco supremes, no tomatoes; one cheesy gordita crunch; one Mexican pizza, no tomatoes.

As a semi-regular patron, I highly encourage you to take this combination of food and turn it into the most epic combo meal fast food has ever seen. Also, you should add a drink.

If you don’t do this, I will be very upset. I’ll take it personally, actually. Why wouldn’t you create the “Verlander Combo” or the “Verlander Box” or the “Cy Young Box” or the “Official Meal of the Best Pitcher in Baseball Box?” Feel free to use any of those titles, by the way. Or, just call it the “Verlander.”

“Welcome to Taco Bell, can I take your order?”  “Yes, you can. I’ll take three Verlanders, please.” “Great choice, sir.” “Thank you, competent employee.”

Every drive-thru interaction could be that beautiful.

Don’t be stupid, Taco Ball. Most people hate you, but I love you. Don’t break my heart like you break my bowels.

Best,

[YOUR NAME]

You’re welcome. Now get to petitioning!

• • •

This post was created by Chris. Follow him and all of his jokes on Twitter: @realchristnester

Also, follow Korked Bats and all of our up-to-the-minute sports jokes on Twitter: @korkedbats

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