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EAT A MASSIVE PILE OF DIRT, APPLE!

Apple can go eat a massive pile of dirt.

I’m extremely pissed off with that half-eaten fruit right now. My laptop screen went black the other day. Like black black. To the point where I can’t even turn the lapper on. I could hear the startup chime but that was it. I tried everything you could think of and/or Google. Nothing worked. Like my screen. The most annoying part? I literally just paid a hefty price to fix this exact issue no more than a year ago. September to be exact. And now the same issue is happening again. Only this time, Apple told me there was nothing they could do. Keep in mind, this is the same company that refers to their Geek Squad of engineers as GENIUSES. They told me they couldn’t touch the damn thing because of the upcoming date on the calendar.

July 31st.

Korked Bats’ birthday, no less.

The reason that date is important is that on that date my laptop becomes “vintage.” And not like the cool type of vintage where you just found a retro Indiana Pacers rope hat in your dad’s attic, but more so the type of vintage where Apple will refuse to fix any product of a certain age after that date. Ridiculous right? How can a tech company refuse to offer service on their own products that are a half-decade old? That’s not even too old for Leonardo DiCaprio. Do the parents of Apple employees do the same with their children? Right when they turn old enough for kindergarten they send them on their way and tell them they can’t help them anymore? Here’s more kickers. They said if they tried to repair it in-store and needed to order parts, but those parts didn’t arrive before July 31, they would cancel the order, or if they sent the laptop away to be fixed, and it’s not done by July 31, it would be lost forever. I legit felt like I was on a hidden camera show when the dude was telling me this. “Coming this fall to Apple TV+!” But alas, I was not. But hey, maybe I could trade in the lapper for a newer model? Right? So the guy checked. I’d get $0.00 for it. Great, grand, awesome. So my only option now was to take the laptop home with me and keep it as a souvenir, to remember all the good times we had when the screen actually worked. Seriously. That was my ONLY OPTION. Take the thing home and use it as an expensive paperweight. Do people still use paperweights or are they as outdated as Apple thinks my 2016 laptop is?

Now, I should point out that I’m writing this on my walk back from the Lincoln Park Apple Store on my Apple iPhone, while listening to my Apple Air Pods, and tracking my steps on my Apple Watch. And later, I’ll probably have to finish this blog on my wife’s iPad. Admittedly, I’m in the cult. In fact, I’m too far deep into the cult. Like Tom Cruise with Scientology. I think I want out, but they have too much dirt on me. And if I threatened to leave, that’s when they’d come out with a new product that I HAVE TO HAVE. But that product will be “vintage” and essentially obsolete in half a decade too. But I’m still pretty sure I want out. This company has done less work while appearing to be busy than most of us at our daily jobs. While they should be on the clock actually fixing products, they’re constantly pooping on company time. When was the last time Apple did something innovative? And I know that’s never really been their song and dance. They’re never first to market with a product, but they’re better. But honestly, when was the last time they were better too? Amazon, that damn online bookstore, has been more innovative and produced better products than that rotting apple core.

Steve Jobs didn’t die for this. John Appleseed did not die for this. Tim Apple did not die for this. Mainly because that doofus is still alive screwing up the company I used to love the most.

And look, I know this whole blog is a total first-world problems. But guess what? We live in the first world. And it’s a problem.

Eat a massive pile of dirt, Apple.

Austin

Austin hosts a country music morning radio show in Chicago after nearly a decade in sports talk radio (The Jim Rome Show, Steve Gorman SPORTS!) Colin Cowherd and Smash Mouth follow him on Twitter (which he apparently thought was important enough to share here). He also wears pants everyday.

Austin