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Saturday, February 15, 2025

Korked Bats

That Funny Sports Blog

Dusty Baker Named Astros Manager, Revives Nation’s Failing Toothpick Business

HOUSTON — Dusty Baker will be hired as the Houston Astros’ 24th manager, according to sources close to the situation, bringing an end to the franchise’s manager search and an unfortunate downturn in business for America’s toothpick makers.

“This is a big day for the Astros, sure, but I feel like it’s an even bigger day for us,” said Gene Rutland, the chairman of the board for the Toothpick Makers of America and CEO of PickDonald’s, the nation’s leader in fast toothpick manufacturing.

“Business has admittedly been struggling for us. Dusty Baker was arguably our biggest client, so when he got out of baseball, our business plummeted, leaving our only clientele to be truck drivers, wise guys, and various diner hostess stands,” Rutland said. “Bad guys in movies used to be big business for us as well, but for some reason Hollywood execs have opted for the cheaper route and just use CGI toothpicks.”

The toothpick industry had been in the red since 2017 when Baker was fired by the Washington Nationals. Now that Baker is back in baseball, Rutland expects a shipment order to be received before pitchers and catchers report next month. According to PickDonald’s sales records, Baker usually orders sixteen pallets worth of toothpicks.

“And that’s just for before the All-Star Break!” Rutland added

Rutland firmly believes their wood is just as valuable to the sport as Louisville Slugger’s. “Yeah, you need the wood of a bat to get a hit,” Rutland argued. “But a player can’t even get up to bat without the manager setting the lineup, and the manager can’t focus on making the lineup if he doesn’t have something to chew on!”

Rutland continued to argue this point for 35 minutes without anyone debating the contrary. He added that toothpicks and baseball go together like Astros’ high batting averages and trash cans.

Right before Rutland finished his half-hour argument with himself, he said “And ain’t that the tooth!” while uncomfortably giggling to himself.

Austin

Austin hosts a country music morning radio show in Chicago after nearly a decade in sports talk radio (The Jim Rome Show, Steve Gorman SPORTS!) Colin Cowherd and Smash Mouth follow him on Twitter and he wears pants every day.

Austin

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