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Don’t Live With A Longhorn

Hello,

My name is Chris Nester and I currently live with a graduate from the University of Texas. This is a cautionary tale.

I’ve been in New York City for about a year, and the thing about living here is, you’re going to have roommates. Fortunately for me, I already had some friends living here so I was able to move in with familiar faces rather than complete strangers. Unfortunately for me, one of those familiar faces is from Texas so naturally, he has friends that went to UT.

Also unfortunate, one of those UT friends graduated and moved to NYC… he moved in with us.

I went to the University of Missouri so I’ve been around the Longhorns plenty in my-day. I get it. You’re good at football (most of the time), burnt orange is your favorite color, and at least one of your kid’s middle names is going to be Bevo. That’s all fine. Best of luck to you, sir, and I look forward to our new in-house, Big 12 rivalry.

For a rational person, this is where it would end, but not for my roommate:

No, I don’t want to borrow your signed copy of “Growing Up Colt.” Thank you for the offer, but I’m good.

Yes, I know that Matthew McConaughey went to UT.

No, I don’t want to watch the Brown’s game next Sunday.

No, I will not look up that Texas Longhorn song by Django Walker on Youtube.

If you really have to listen to it right now, you should just look it up on your custom, Longhorn-cased iPhone.

Yes, I got that invite to the Texas bar for the big game on Saturday, but unfortunately, I will not be attending. Why not? Well, mostly because I didn’t go to Texas.

Dude, will you please start washing your towels? They’re making the entire bathroom smell like musty hard-boiled eggs.

Look man, if you’re going to have long hair that’s fine, but you have to help unclog the shower drain. We all know who’s hair that is.

It’s really great that you do P90X AND Insanity. No, I don’t think I’ll be joining you this time, just like the last 5 times when you asked me that same question.

Do your dishes, dude! You are a grown-ass adult! Who raised you?!

Ok, here’s the thing about roommates… they’re the worst thing ever. The big problem is: they’re human beings.

NO YOU CANNOT BORROW MY TWEEZERS, DUDE! STOP TALKING TO ME!

I’m trying to write a blog-post right now… and please,

KNOCK NEXT TIME BEFORE YOU COME INTO MY ROOM, YOU NON-MANNERED DEGENERATE !

Sorry about that, folks. That wasn’t even the Texas roommate… that was my roomie from Mizzou and let me tell ya, don’t live with a Missouri Tiger either. Well, unless you like your towels disappearing and then turning up 2 weeks later when you see your roommate using them to dry his man parts.

Or maybe you like buying toothpaste for everyone in the whole apartment? Why wouldn’t they just assume that it’s for everybody? Sure, they didn’t pay for it, but it’s there, so… and apparently, that same rule applies to bread and Raisin Bran.

I originally said, “don’t live with a Longhorn,” but that doesn’t cover it. Don’t live with anyone. That’s my message: Live alone. Get a cat if you need to. And cut off all ties.

Sure, you may get a little lonely, but at least you’ll have plenty of bread.

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