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Don’t Hate the Player, Hate the Game.

Emergency.

Please Don’t Date this Gentleman:

Miguel Cabrera

I know what you’re saying….

“He’s a professional athlete.”

“Our kids will be great at sports and growing facial hair.”

“He probably has a great relationship with his mother.”

“He probably only drinks when he smokes.”

Ladies. Shake it off.  Not only does he drive a 2005 Land Rover, but he also has unusually patterned chin hair. Let me tell you how thankful I am for this little news article that ESPN was so kind to share with the general public. While his tan skin, mischievous smile and the ability to hold a steady job is mildly intoxicating, it is important to also know the other side to Mr. Cabrera.

Here are a few things that are important to know about Miguel, that ESPN, the Police and common sense have helped me to understand:

11.  If you don’t know who he is and you are denying Miguel Cabrera Bar-B-Q, he will probably kill you.

10. Miguel somewhat resembles Cory from the hit Disney Channel show Cory In The House.

9. I do not watch Cory In The House. Nor am I in the Facebook group entitled “I Watch Cory In The House Everyday! It Is My Favorite Show!” (Don’t judge me.) (Please.)

8.  If you are a cop and you don’t know that he plays baseball for the Detroit Tigers then you DEFINITELY don’t know his family.

7. His job is located in Detroit. This means it is very likely that he will be out of work within the year.

6.  If Miguel Cabrera gets shot, he doesn’t want to just be injured.  Double Tap that.

5.  Miguel keeps all of his firearms in bags.  That he carries with him.  To eat Bar-B-Q.

4.  Miguel also likes to know the names and faces of all the employees at the local Cowboys Bar-B-Q & Steak Co.  But more so he knows who to blow up in the event that he is pissed off after not being able to get his Bar-B-Q or something.

3. Miguel probably doesn’t tip is waiter or waitress very well.

2.  If Miguel wants Bar-B-Q, somebody better not be trying to go home at the end of a work day.

1.  If Miguel is ready for Bar-B-Q, Bar-B-Q better be ready for Miguel.

If you had already gotten your brand new velour track suit in the mail, with ‘Mrs. Cabrera’ bedazzled on the booty, don’t worry. You don’t have to return it. I’ve got an idea. You could give this CABRERA a chance.

0 thoughts on “Don’t Hate the Player, Hate the Game.

  • Avatar
    March 10, 2011 at 3:02 pm
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    I’m I man and I love these posts. Keep doing good work.

    Reply

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