Dolly Parton Will Be The 12th Titan On Sunday, But Thanks For Coming Out, Browns
Question: has an NFL game ever been called before it was ever even played. And I don’t mean with like COVID and stuff. Because clearly, we know the answer there. When it comes to corona, NFL games will be played through hell or high water barista quarterbacks. I’m talking about has the NFL ever awarded a team a victory because the outcome of the game could potentially reach a genocide-level of destruction? Because that’s what we’re facing this week with Titans-Browns.
And this has nothing to do with Derrick Henry (shout out to the King), A.J. Brown, Ryan Tannehill, or even the most attractive Titan, Will Compton. This has everything to do with Tennessee’s finest export: Dolly Rebecca Parton.
You thought facing Derrick Henry in the 4th quarter was bad? Try facing Dolly Parton before the 1st quarter! She’s a secret weapon. And I’m not talking like Bill Murray was for the Tune Squad. I’m talking like Tony Montana’s lil’ friend was for Tony Montana. This is the same woman who wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” in the same day. THE SAME DAY.
Per that tweet above, she’s going to be the 12th Titan ahead of the Titans-Browns game on Sunday, meaning we’re going to see her raise a flag and/or spike a massive sword into the field. And honestly, I can’t think of anything that would fire me up more. Dolly Parton and Rick Moranis* are the only two humans who are universally loved by all of America. And Twitter. The latter of which is the more impressive feat.
* – excluding that one guy who sucker punched him in the face, of course
And now this only adds to the massive 2020 that Dolly is having. From funding $1 million towards a vaccine for COVID, to announcing she’s posing for Playboy, to Obama saying he regrets not giving her the presidential medal of freedom, and now getting to be the honorary 12th Titan for the first place Tennessee Titans? Is anyone having a bigger year than the Dollster? The short answer: no.
Browns, if I was you, I wouldn’t even show up. Don’t risk the pandemic travel. Because if you do show up on a gameday that is led off with Dolly Parton? You’re only going to die. And I don’t mean from COVID.
Titans by 1,000.
